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I wrote DP this email...was it too much?

(60 Posts)
tinyviolin Mon 03-Aug-15 12:54:42

So this weekend I got the rage. It started on Friday. I had asked dp to remove the bag of dirty clothes and pants that he has left in the living room for the past 2 weeks. Yes. 2 weeks. Got home. He's at the pub. Bag still in the living room. Claims he couldn’t come and move it because he would be late meeting his mate at the pub.

The weekend then descended into the routine of every weekend; he goes out, gets pissed, invites friends round to sleep, stays up til 3am+, wakes up the next day claiming he is too tired to do anything and needs a rest day so sits in his pants all day why I am up running around managing everything on barely any sleep because I've been kept awake all fucking night.

I cleaned the whole fucking flat inside and out this weekend. Cleaned and took the car to the garage. Sorted the shopping. Sorted all bills/paperwork. Made sure all of our house guests and 'dp' had everything they could possibly need even after being kept up til 6am on Sunday morning (I got up at 10am).

What was the sum of his efforts? He moved his bag of dirty pants from the living room into the bedroom. That's it. Couldn't even manage to take said clothes out and put them in the washing basket.

So last night when I finally went to bed the red mist descended. Why on earth am I living like a slave? Why am I letting this man get away with walking all over me? Why am I sacrificing what I want from life to pick up after a lazy man-child? I long for a weekend away! A day at a spa! A day out at the beach! Or even a day where I wake up and someone is kind enough to offer to make me a hot drink!

So, 11:30pm last night I wrote him this....

Dear DP,

Another weekend has gone by in which I feel myself going madder, growing older and becoming unhappier.

Another weekend where I spend all my time feeling like I'm your personal chef, housemaid and whore at your beckon call.

Another weekend where I have to watch you on sit your arse, unable to offer me anything other than 'when can you suck my cock' and 'what's for lunch'.

Do you fail to see how little you do to help me, or are you actually just that lazy?

I've had enough of your 'rest days' and honestly if I have to take another excuse as to why you are unable to get off your arse, step up and help I'm going to scream.

Grow the fuck up. I am done with you taking advantage of me. Don't you ever dare to tell me how much of a fucking feminist you are when all ‘wife work’ is left to me.

I'm fucking angry, if you hadn't of guessed.


So yeah…did I go too far? Was I too mean? I really was pretty harsh but I had 5 years of resentment that just had to come out. It’s all got to a head lately by him telling me that he’s the biggest feminist I’ll ever meet and I can’t help but think no, you’re just a complete COCK who thinks going out drinking and hanging out with your mates trumps being a responsible adult.

Sorry in advance for the swearing!

tiredtoday Mon 03-Aug-15 12:59:20

I like it and think he deserves it. .. has he read our replied yet?

To be honest I would dump his lazy arse anyway... Unless he made a huge effort to change immediately

ChilliMum Mon 03-Aug-15 12:59:37

Nope not too far in fact probably not far enough. What are you actually getting from this relationship or hoping to achieve from your email?

AnyFucker Mon 03-Aug-15 13:01:44

Why on earth am I living like a slave? Why am I letting this man get away with walking all over me? Why am I sacrificing what I want from life to pick up after a lazy man-child?

Well, why are you ?

That email isn't too harsh. It isn't likely to change anything though, so I suggest you work out what your next step is.

Jan45 Mon 03-Aug-15 13:02:18

I have no idea why you are letting an other human being treat you so appallingly, writing a letter might be cathartic for you but fact is, he's a selfish lazy arsehole.

I think when you end up in this situation it really is time to call it a day.

GraysAnalogy Mon 03-Aug-15 13:03:02

Not too far at all. I would have him out on his arse

emotionsecho Mon 03-Aug-15 13:04:46

Sounds perfectly fair to me, has he responded?

However, why on earth have you allowed it to get so bad, has he been like this for the whole 5 years you have been with him? Set your boundaries as to what is acceptable and unacceptable at the start and stick to them.

He'd have to undergo a complete transformation for me to consider staying in a relationship with him.

hesterton Mon 03-Aug-15 13:05:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

esiotrot2015 Mon 03-Aug-15 13:05:18

Why are you with him?
The sex talk is vile hmm

Smartiepants79 Mon 03-Aug-15 13:05:19

I think you've been very restrained actually.
How old is he? Because he is behaving like a spoiled 19 yr old still living at his mothers.
Stop running around after him. Just do the stuff you need to do for you.
Does he have a car? I'd start putting all his dirty mess in there.
I hope this makes him sit up and think.

tallwivglasses Mon 03-Aug-15 13:06:37

Well I don't think he's going to say ' hallelujah I've seen the light' but it might be the start of some useful dialogue. I wouldn't hold my breath though.

I thought it was quite tame actually. He'd be under the patio by now if he was mine.

shovetheholly Mon 03-Aug-15 13:09:03

I think that email is brilliant in terms of saying all the things you needed to say to him.

I have to wonder, however, if there is any answer he can really give you that will be satisfactory. He's behaving like a total slob, and there is absolutely no excuse whatsoever that he can give that would excuse it. Why are you with this guy?

AlpacaMyBags Mon 03-Aug-15 13:09:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour Mon 03-Aug-15 13:09:24

Why would you put up with this clown?

"I'm a feminist"... Bitch please.

I hope writing the mail made you feel better, but I also hope you aren't expecting him to change as a result - or not for more than a couple of days, anyway.

If I were you, I'd start looking at how to make the break. You'll have a lot more time, less work, less frustration, more sleep.

tinyviolin Mon 03-Aug-15 13:10:54

He hasn't responded, I know he will have received it.

I need to just leave him, don't I. After 5 years I doubt he's going to think 'Yes I've been a twat! Let me start over!'

I'm glad you don't think I was being too harsh! It felt bloody good sending that though!

I can't imagine he will want to stay with me after getting that. I reckon things will be fun when I get home from work tonight!

category1 Mon 03-Aug-15 13:12:02

Yeah... Put his bag on the doorstep. Along with his other stuff.

tribpot Mon 03-Aug-15 13:12:20

When's the lazy fucker going to bother reading that?

Why are you running round after him and his visitors like a housekeeper?

Instead of writing to him, write to yourself the following:


1. Sort out new accommodation

What are your options, can you throw him out? Do you need to move out?

Jan45 Mon 03-Aug-15 13:12:59

He wont want to stay with you?????

Change your attitude, your acceptance of his shit behaviour is the reason you are in this mess, stand up for yourself, calling someone out on their terrible behaviour is not your fault, you've done nothing wrong.

worserevived Mon 03-Aug-15 13:13:37

The only reason he is treating you like this is because you let him. Stop doing everything. Stop washing his clothes - let them fester to the point he runs out of things to wear Stop making sure his guests have everything they need. They are his guests i.e. his problem. Book yourself into a spa with a girlfriend. Go to the beach. Do all those things you want to do.

My only other point, next time if you want to have it out with him, don't swear. You immediately lose advantage because you sound a bit ranty and unhinged. Withering politeness is far more effective.

MereKaffe Mon 03-Aug-15 13:15:17

No. Not too far.

it's how you feel. No matter what he responds with, it's how you feel and your feelings can't be argued with.

Sometimes you just need to accept that you've made a mistake. That you're not a team. That he's not a selfless character. That your happiness is second to his sense of entitlement to rest.

It wastes fewer years in the long run if you accept it sooner rather than later.

My x criticised from the side line "you're doing it wrong" but never helped! And I can assure you that I found doing 100% of the housework and childcare easier when I wasn't seething with resentment and trying to figure out why somebody who claimed to love me was unmoved by the injustice of me doing everything.

emotionsecho Mon 03-Aug-15 13:15:31

Yes you do need to leave you are wasting time and energy on him that you could use better elsewhere.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 03-Aug-15 13:17:45

I need to just leave him, don't I.

Yes you do tinyviolin, infact you wrote that above comment. This manchild and you need to part as of yesterday actually.

You ought to also ask yourself why you have allowed you to be so poorly treated in the first instance.

ExitPursuedByABear Mon 03-Aug-15 13:18:28


You bothered to type and send that.

Have you seen the pinned post at the top of the Relationships topic?

PuellaEstCornelia Mon 03-Aug-15 13:19:55

well, if you sent it today, he could still be hiding out - I'd be more inclined to believe someone if they have time to process it, rather than if they rushed in with an apology! Sounds as if you've made your mind up though - can't say I blamed you!

Binit Mon 03-Aug-15 13:20:03

If you don't have dc with him then I can't see any point in trying to fix this. He sounds horrible.

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