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Ex new girlfriend

(45 Posts)
rockinrollers Mon 03-Aug-15 09:48:00

sorry just needed to talk to someone and need shaking. i split up with my husband in February and we are going through the divorce procedure. The relationship had been over for a long time really but i tried to hold it together for the children despite ongoing emotional abuse and myself and the children walking on egg shells constantly.

my ex rarely sees the children unless i suggest it, doesnt instigate contact, isnt going for any type of custody as he really had no interest whilst we were a family, when he does see them he tends to rush back with them. The children dont actually like going to see him and my son has said he doesnt love his dad (without encouragement) myy daughter jumps between feeling sorry for him and missing him to having no interest. After the latest visit they told me he shouted at them for laughing and (from description) whipped my daughter with a jacket. despite me suggesting a cheap local day out to a event he took them to his friends to watch films.

Anyway cut to the chase he has a new girlfriend, im happy for him not interested in getting him back in the slightest but am battling with weird feelings that i cant explain! im concerned about him wanting to play happy families, what if she has children who would end up being step brothers/sisters etc what if he has more children? he was so useless with ours it would really hurt if he could be a good dad to other kids. im worried she will know all about me where as i know nothing about her.

i have a new partner 4 months who i am besotted with and the children have met him, they get on wonderfully and are with us 99% of the time. so do i have a right to feel like this??

please help me understand my feelings as i have no friends or family who have been in my position to ask advice from.

butterflygirl15 Mon 03-Aug-15 10:05:29

It doesn't sound like he will be interested in them, new relationship or not.

I think it is very early for your DC to be involved with a new partner. And I hope you did the Freedom Programme after splitting from your ex?

rockinrollers Mon 03-Aug-15 10:31:04

dont have a clue what the freedom programme is but from a quick google not sure i need that!

horsewalksintoabar Mon 03-Aug-15 10:33:02

Been through this. It's weird. It makes no sense, does it? I was delighted- ok, that's an over statement... no one is delighted to divorce- but let's say that I felt great relief (and sadness of course) when my first marriage ended. Really. But 3 years later, ex became very serious with GF (which lasted 3 years, then they broke up). And I struggled with the "Why couldn't we make it work?" thoughts and "What is making his relationship with new GF so much more successful than our marriage ever was?" type of questions. We marry for life, even those who are cynical don't envision divorce. So when marriage ends, it's a failure, no denying it. Especially when children are involved there is a great sense of disappointment in ourselves and in our exes because as adults, responsible adults responsible for our children and the family we have created, we couldn't manage to keep things together. We failed. And that leaves a stain. But we move on and you will too. The truth is, you're broken and healing. And even if you are besotted and you've moved on into a new relationship, you're still mending, even if you think you're not. It wasn't until recently I was able to truly acknowledge that it took me 5 years to move on and I mean really move on in ways I though I already had. My ex is like yours... he's just not a hands on dad and hardly knows our son. I've made peace with that. In fact, it suits me just fine. That is selfish to admit, but it's true.

Take it easy with the new partner. You're besotted. And that's beautiful but trust me, kids aren't as ready as they let on. I have a teenage son and it's taken me years to understand that even though it's all 'worked out' quite nicely for me, it's been hard on him, very emotional... even if his dad has been absent, he's still his dad, warts and all. My son's been raised by his stepdad for years which has been great. But that too comes with complications. You can't put our adult heads on young shoulders and expect kids to be ok with everything in the way that we are. Just keep that in mind. When step-dad came into our lives, it was 'perfect'. But over the years, that relationship has had serious ups and downs. There is true love there between my son and his step-dad and an honest appreciation of one another. But it is not all roses all the time.

Try to grow without using relationships as a crutch. Try not to worry about ex and his wants and needs and his future. It's no longer your 'thing' to have to deal with, so do yourself a favour and don't worry. If he wants to see his kids, he has to take the initiative. By he way, custody is only sought in situations where one parent things the other is not fit to raise the child. Usually contact is agreed but not custody. The children will live with either mum or dad by default and the non-resident parent will have 'contact' arranged for a certain number of days/nights per week/month, etc. Custody is seen as a bit 'aggressive' by courts and is only sought when necessary. But I know what you mean. You are the resident parent, the one the kids live with.

Really, good luck with your new partner. It's so lucky to find love so quickly. I didn't date for years! My confidence was shattered, so it's nice to see that you are open, loving, and trusting. Hang onto that.

19lottie82 Mon 03-Aug-15 10:39:04

OK, lets put the matter of the children not wanting to spend much time with their father aside....

i have a new partner 4 months who i am besotted with and the
children have met him, they get on wonderfully and are with us 99% of the time

You've only been with your partner for 4 months and it sounds like he's already pretty involved in your kids life's? TBH why should it be OK for your to introduce your DP to the kids and not the other way about. How war in to the relationship did your DCs meet your partner?

I'm not saying that you aren't entitled to feel how you feel, of course you are, but I think you would be slightly hypocritical if you tried to action those feelings in anyway.

TBH I wouldn't even think that your ex will push for increased contact despite the new GF, so I wouldn't worry about it

butterflygirl15 Mon 03-Aug-15 10:39:18

you went through emotional abuse with your ex - so yep, Freedom Programme would be brilliant for you.

And I think a new relationship so soon is not a good idea at all. Especially one which is so full on at the beginning.

19lottie82 Mon 03-Aug-15 10:43:54

After the latest visit they told me he shouted at them for laughing and (from description) whipped my daughter with a jacket. despite me suggesting a cheap local day out to a event he took them to his friends to watch films.

Again, not sticking up for your ex, he does sound like a crap dad BUT.....

1) Did the jacket leave a mark? My DH play flights with his 2 x DD's ALL the time, sometimes when they are in the kitchen and they get cheeky he will "whip" them with a tea towel", but it's just play fighting and NEVER hard enough to cause them pain. If they didn't enjoy the play fighting or find it funny he wouldn't do it.

2) The laughing thing, well it depends what context it was in. Do you know? laughing in certain situations, or over people talking can be rude.

3) He didn't have to take the kids somewhere because you suggested it, sometimes kids are happy just to chill out and watch a few films. It's not a big deal.

Isetan Mon 03-Aug-15 10:48:51

I'm going to join the chorus. You've had more time to get used to your marriage being over than your children have and now you've introduced a new man very quickly after their father has left the family home.

To put it bluntly, your focus/ worries are misplaced and given your history it wouldn't hurt to understand the dynamics of your abusive relationship and your role in it.

rockinrollers Mon 03-Aug-15 11:25:50

Thank you horsewalkintoabar! that message really helped me to understand the way i am feeling.

19lottie82 i know my ex and know how he used to grip the childrens arm if they were being giddy, grimace at them whip them with tea towels and it was NOT play fighting, he always did it whilst i was out of the room then deny it! my children do not lie. he has never been the type of dad to play with or do anything with them. They watched two films on saturday which my daughter hated (he knows she would have hated them) its the first time he has seen them in 3 weeks and didnt engage them at all. anyway that was not my issue as this is nothing new.

I wanted help understanding my feelings! im not trying to be hypocritical by saying i can introduce my boyfriend but he cant introduce his girlfriend i just didn't understand why i felt strangely about it!

I know my children extremely well, and know the time was right to introduce them to my boyfriend, i let them decide when. i am not asking whether that is right as people do things their own way.

Isetan what do you mean understand my abusive relationship and role in it?? i have been dealing with the breakdown of my marriage for a long time! at least 6 months before we officially split so know i have not rushed into anything.

butterflygirl15 Mon 03-Aug-15 11:32:40

If your ex is that awful and abusive with your dc then why are they spending time with him?

ScoutRifle Mon 03-Aug-15 11:55:32

^ this...

Allofaflumble Mon 03-Aug-15 12:11:53

I think it is called having your nose put out of joint. It is painful but does pass in time.

It doesn't make any logical sense but seeing him move on and be "apparently" happy still hurts.

It is wondering why you two didn't fit and yet here is a new woman who appears to find him God's gift!

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 03-Aug-15 12:16:08

'm just trying to get the timings right from your OP. You split up from your husband in February and met your BF in March then introduced your BF to all your DCs shortly after?

I would be concerned about your DCs reaction and possible confusion in all this. You might have resigned yourself to the marriage being over for 6 months before the split but it takes time for DCs to adjust to these life changing decisions their parents make.

I don't think your exH GF and whether they decide to have DCs is your business, especially when you are besotted with your BF and don't want your ex back. It really is none of your business.

However, if you have concerns about your exH and whether his behaviour towards your DCs is abusive or not then this needs to be your priority.

Get something in place so there is regular contact, it sounds like your DCs need stability. Remember, most DCs will agree to anything to please their parents in these circumstances because they are adjusting so much and don't want to hurt either parent.

Maybe take a step back, concentrate on your DCs emotional needs and the type of relationship they can have with their Dad now. Involve them by all means, but remember you are the responsible parent and need to act in their best interests. Their minds must be so confused.

If you are worried about his behaviour towards the DCs, deal with that and not whether he will have a child with his GF in the future.

Nevergoingtolearn Mon 03-Aug-15 12:29:47

I split with my dh in April, similar to your situation, he's never been that interested in the dc's and I have to push for him to see them once a week for a few hours, he has just started seeing someone, she doesn't have children but apparently 'loves children', I'm worried ex will use the dc's to make her like him more ( she obviously wanted children but is now too old ). It does feel a bit weird, luckily my dc's are old enough not to get drawn in. He's already started messing around with the times he's meant to see them as he is meeting up with his new lady friend. I'm not too bothered, chances are she will see him for what he really is ( a rubbish father and a selfish twat ) and it won't last but we shall see. My dc's know he is not a great dad, he doesn't take them anywhere, doesn't pay for anything and rarely spends quality time with them ( they are left to do what they want when they are at his ). I'm sure your children will be the same, they won't forget how useless he has been with them.

rockinrollers Mon 03-Aug-15 12:56:16

this thread has gone in the complete wrong direction! i just wanted to get something off my chest and all thats been mentioned is abuse and i shouldnt have introduced the children to my boyfriend so quickly! i didnt even ask that so there is no point telling me i should have done things differently.

i have no concern over my childrens safety with their dad just think he could be calmer with the children and not be so quick to react especially as he sees them so little. i know i have no say in new girlfriend and don't want a say, she is welcome to him just wanted to understand my feelings which one or two posters have helped me to do. i was trying to provide a back story so as not to drip feed.

handfulofcottonbuds Mon 03-Aug-15 13:10:03

You mention emotional abuse in your OP

You mention that your ex has 'swiped' your DD with a jacket

You mention that your DD swings between feeling sorry for her DF, missing him and not interested in him

You mention about your DS not wanting to see his DF as he doesn't love him

You mention about not knowing anything about your exH's GF and her knowing all about you yet you know nothing about her - but not in the sense of how this affects your DCs, in the respect of what if your ex would be different with any DCs she may want.

....and you don't see what the actual problem is here?!

19lottie82 Mon 03-Aug-15 13:19:59

OP, if you re read my post, I said YWNBU in your feelings, but it would be hypocritical IF you took any actions based on them, that was all.

InTheBox Mon 03-Aug-15 13:30:30

rockinrollers The feelings you're experiencing over the new GF are normal, with or without the extra backstory. You married and had children with this man, the idea of the happy little 2.4 children family was shattered. It's entirely natural to wonder what she has or does that makes it work with them and how that will impact on your dc's lives.

If they stay together and he continues to see his dc then she'll become a part of their lives. But don't ruin yourself pondering about their future plans.

If he is a risk to your dc then take that up with the relevant professionals but you need to separate the residual 'why her' feelings from the 'protecting' your children feelings.

It's never easy which is why I suspect some posters have picked up on certain parts of your posts that come across as contradictory. But these things are never as simple as 2+2=4. As such, if you're happy with your current partner then continue to see where that leads. If you feel your dc's father is a risk then arrange the necessary court orders to ensure their safety.

I suspect you're rather feeling put out by your exH's new blossoming relationship. That's normal. Even if you're seeing someone yourself too. Draw a line under it, I know that your exH was supposed to be your happy ever after but that's not the case, nor will it ever be. Do your best not to pick at the wounds and remain calm and stoic at all your interactions with him. This feeling shall pass. We all process and deal with things at different levels and paces, take your own road and you'll get there. Your focus is now on you and your dcs. Good Luck.

Also check into Hobbit's bar.

lunar1 Mon 03-Aug-15 13:37:48

I feel very sorry for your children. They have gone through a hell of a lot in their life and especially in the last six months.

You may not have meant it this way but giving children a 'choice' is manipulative and emotional blackmail. You are the adult here and you know what they have gone through. What they need is to have rebuilt a life with you and created a stable family unit with you and with or without their dad.

You need to be the grown up here, not the teenager in love. You need to make adult decisions about what is best for your children, not yourself. It's an easy cop out to say I let the children decide to meet him, but they are children and not capable of knowing exactly what is best for them.

I really think you need to put some separation between your children and your boyfriend, it's far too soon for all this.

tribpot Mon 03-Aug-15 13:37:52

Why are you instigating contact? If he wants it, he can ask for it. It sounds like the kids would rather not see him anyway.

This would happily also reduce the amount of secondhand contact between you and his new girlfriend. Sounds like a win-win.

butterflygirl15 Mon 03-Aug-15 13:46:54

oh dear OP - reread your post and then tell us your ex is not harming your dc! I'm out - you don't want advice - you just want validation of your new relationship and your jealousy over your ex. That is not going to be given when there is a whole heap of other issues you need to deal with. You are in huge denial. Your poor kids.

rockinrollers Mon 03-Aug-15 14:00:51

lunar1 seriously how patronising 'i feel sorry for your children'....don't, they are very happy children with lots of loving family and do not need feeling sorry for! wow, how is that helpful?.

How do you know that they have gone through a lot, you have read a snippet of our life, how do you know they are not happier now than when i was with their dad? whats this about 'being the grown up??' being manipulative and emotional blackmail...erm, i told them i had a boyfriend and they said when can we meet him...

our family is as stable as it has ever been as their dad was never around and when he was he was he was only there in body! they had more contact with my parents than him and still have this now so feel very secure.

i have no concern for my childrens safety with their dad.

tribpot, i am stopping instigating contact now, he can ask me when is convenient and i wont stand in his way unless i feel it necessary.

lunar1 Mon 03-Aug-15 14:07:18

Why even tell them you have a boyfriend within two months of separating from their dad? When they asked to meet him your answer should have been no, not till you knew him better. My mums timescale was pretty much the same as yours and I can't tell you how much I wish she had waited, no matter what I told her at the time.

BitOutOfPractice Mon 03-Aug-15 14:24:47

" i know my ex and know how he used to grip the childrens arm if they were being giddy, grimace at them whip them with tea towels and it was NOT play fighting, he always did it whilst i was out of the room then deny it!"

or

"i have no concern for my childrens safety with their dad"

Which is it OP?

And the reason we know that your kids have been through a lot is that their parents split up 6 months ago. That counts as going "through a lot" surely?

Plus, I have lost count of the amount of threads I have read on here where one parent introduces a new partner very quickly to their kids and it ends in tears. Hence a number of people expressing concern at that.

rockinrollers Mon 03-Aug-15 14:25:41

wow butterflygirl, dont need validation at all i would not change a thing, my children are happier now than i have seen them in a long time. ! what do i need to deal with?? i dont feel like my children are abused by him and i think to go around shouting abuse is not something to be taken so lightly! i dont miss my ex nor do i want to get back with him, i ended the relationship. however i do feel a little jealous and am trying to understand why.

maybe if some posters werent so rude then advice would be noted!

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