Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Husband pretended to throw dead bird at me. Am I overeacting?

(54 Posts)
Peterspan Sun 02-Aug-15 12:59:50

Yesterday I was sitting on the sofa eating lunch. There was a dead bird under the trampoline in the garden that had been there for a couple of days and the cat was playing with it. Husband went and fetched it and wrapped it up in newspaper to throw in the bin. As he came back indoors, for a ‘joke’ he pretended to chuck it into my lap. I almost jumped out of my skin and my heart nearly stopped as I'm a bit squeamish at dead/rotten things. He just laughed. I am 21 weeks pregnant so I feel a bit more vunerable as well I suppose.
I followed him into the kitchen and said that it definitely wasn’t funny, it really frightened me. He halfheartedly said sorry but that it was a ‘joke’ and said I was over reacting. I started to cry. Maybe I'm a bit hormonal but I was very upset.
The day before he made a ‘joke’ to his friend infront of me that it had ‘all gone’ down there. By this he meant that my vagina has become saggy due to my age and having 2 children. If he’s happy to make ‘jokes’ like this infront of me, God knows what he says when I’m not there. I laughed along at the time because I didn't want to seem like a prude but afterwards I brought it up with him but yet again he said it was just a joke and I was overeacting. I have never, ever heard any of my friends husbands or partners ‘joke’ about them like this. If I did hear them say anything like this I would think that they were a knob but maybe I've just got a crap sense of humour?
My question is, am I overeacting? Am I just a drama queen? Should I just toughen up and get a grip? Obviously there's alot more history but these are the two latest incidents and I'd really appreciate some honest opinions.
I came very close to ending the 10 year marriage last year. I had felt very unhappy and unloved for a very long time. I got as far as getting advice from a solicitor and moving into separate bedrooms but husband talked me out of it.

RepeatAdNauseum Sun 02-Aug-15 13:02:11

The bird seems a non event. A bit of a tatty thing to do, but not huge, as he didn't actually throw it.

The vagina comment would have been it for me.

Joysmum Sun 02-Aug-15 13:03:39

With the bird this yes, but only if it were and isolated incident, with the vagina comment I'd have gone fucking ballistic.

Given there's a campaign of this sort of thing I'm not surprised you've been ground down by him.

MrsJorahMormont Sun 02-Aug-15 13:04:57

The dead bird thing was annoying but virtually every man I have ever known finds this kind of thing hilarious so it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.

The other thing though - inappropriate and hurtful. I would have eaten DH alive for that. What concerns me is that he is still acting like a prick even after your difficulties last year. Does he understand that this is all adding to your feeling of being unloved?

findingmyfeet12 Sun 02-Aug-15 13:07:35

I can't imagine an otherwise caring and kind person to make the vagina comment.

No wonder you feel unloved. Your dp sounds like a horrible person. If this was the early stages of a relationship, it would be a deal breaker for me.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 02-Aug-15 13:10:14

He doesn't sound very nice.

andthenagain Sun 02-Aug-15 13:11:16

Massive over reaction for the dead bird--lets blame pregnancy hormones grin
Vagina comment--dealbreaker

InTheBox Sun 02-Aug-15 13:25:08

No, you're not over reacting. Pregnancy hormones or not he shouldn't be acting like dodo the clown.
I suggest you pull him up on those comments again and don't let him slide out of it with the 'i was joking' remarks as they are not acceptable at all.

Nanny0gg Sun 02-Aug-15 13:28:39

The dead bird thing was annoying but virtually every man I have ever known finds this kind of thing hilarious

Really? I don't think I know any that would find it funny.

Your husband, I am sorry to say, is a pig. You are not overreacting at all imo.

And a joke is only funny if both parties laugh. I'm sure you can find something 'amusing' about parts of his anatomy. Would he laugh?

QuidditchTonedThighs Sun 02-Aug-15 13:30:26

I don't think you were over reacting to the dead bird. I hate dead things / rotten things as well and this to me is cruel, bullying behaviour. People are saying it was just a joke, but it's not funny to frighten and upset your pregnant wife, and only an arsehole would think that it is. I'm sorry to hear about both of these things. Don't put up with being treated this way.

MyPelvicFloorTrainsItself Sun 02-Aug-15 13:32:35

You are really overreacting over the dead bird but he sounds like a total prick for the fanny comment.

Floggingmolly Sun 02-Aug-15 13:32:45

Don't "laugh along" with that kind of shite. You didn't want to seem like a prude? It wasn't a general comment; the "joke" was very firmly on you hmm
He sounds bloody awful.

Floggingmolly Sun 02-Aug-15 13:34:21

No grownup finds that kind of thing hilarious, Jorah. That comment says a hell of a lot about the company you keep.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid Sun 02-Aug-15 13:39:38

The bird thing was maybe a bit of an overreaction - probably pregnancy hormones. I always got really touchy when pregnant.

The vagina one is totally out of order. Tell him if he doesn't stop you will start adding to the joke by telling people you really need to be as tight as possible as he's hung like a hamster (doesn't matter if this is true).
I think it's really bad form to laugh at a mans penis but in this situation I would threaten it to get my point accross

treaclesoda Sun 02-Aug-15 13:43:52

I think the bird one is a non issue personally. But then I'm not particularly squeamish and anyway if my dh did this I would absolutely know that he wasn't actually going to throw a dead bird at me. If you are squeamish and he knows you hate that sort of 'joke' then yes, he was being a knob.

But honestly it pales into insignificance beside the personal comments. That truly was horrible.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 02-Aug-15 13:55:45

Why was the corpse left under the trampoline for 2 days for the cat to play with? Yuk!! It must have been maggot-ridden and my heart would stop if anyone played such a crass practical joke on me.

But that's your h, isn't it? Crass, coarse, uncultured, and unsuited for polite company.

What a shame you let him talk you out of separating from him last year as you'll have it all to do again, but with 3 dc instead of 2.

CheeseBaguette Sun 02-Aug-15 13:57:54

Dead bird thing - not really an issue. Annoying and stupid but not abusive or direspectful really more of a bad judged joke. Several people have done similar to me when disposing of spiders/wasps for me (huge spider and wasp fear).

The vagina comment was way out of order though. I would have huge issues with that.

Mulligrubs Sun 02-Aug-15 14:02:35

As you are squeamish about dead things I don't think you overreacted to the bird throwing "joke." I am terrified of spiders and my sister pretended to throw one at me once - I felt complete panic like you say and I got really upset. It was not funny at all and, knowing me, she should have known I'd be upset. The same as your partner should have known you'd be upset.

As for the vagina "joke" - well for that he shows himself to be a colossal twat. That is awful to make a joke like that to a friend and in front of you makes it worse IMO. I would be considering my whole relationship in your shoes because it shows an incredible lack of respect for you.

Mulligrubs Sun 02-Aug-15 14:05:22

Don't "laugh along" with that kind of shite. You didn't want to seem like a prude? It wasn't a general comment; the "joke" was very firmly on you

I agree with the above wholeheartedly - do not laugh along. He does not give a shit that he has embarrassed you by making a crass joke at your expense, so embarrass him by telling him outright that the joke is disgusting.

SilverNightFairy Sun 02-Aug-15 14:07:41

Your husband is a twat and a bully. Making jokes about your private parts to other people is not funny in the least. It was meant to humiliate you. The dead bird thing is disgusting behaviour from anyone.

What happens if you discuss your feelings with him, Op?

Bambooshoots14 Sun 02-Aug-15 14:09:34

Overreacting about the bird. I'd be angry about yesterday's 'joke' though

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 02-Aug-15 14:09:38

I am sure if you referred to him as pencil dick to one of your friends he wouldn't be laughing. The dead bird incident was bad enough, but you were eating too, that would put me right off.

If he talked you out off separation last year and you are expecting he might think he is on safe ground these days. It has probably felt longer than a decade married to him.

TheFormidableMrsC Sun 02-Aug-15 14:10:42

Gosh, he sounds just like STBXH. He too used to make inappropriate comments about my body, sometimes in front of complete strangers. He would also say "it's just a joke", "you're overreacting"...vile bloody pig. He once made an utterly inappropriate "joke" about a very intimate part of my body in front of people he had met once...who didn't know what to do or say, it was awful. In my opinion, my husband has absolutely no empathy with how other people feel, how embarrassed he could make me, no social graces, was just an out and out twat. Interestingly, our DS has Aspergers. He also has a distinct lack of boundaries and empathy. Suspect husband has it too. Will be glad to see the back of him and his revolting behaviour.

I think you need to have a full and frank with your husband and attempt to nip his hilarious behaviour in the bud before it gets any worse hmm. Good luck OP flowers

Epilepsyhelp Sun 02-Aug-15 14:16:31

The 'joke' yesterday was mean and inappropriate, the 'joke' today was gross and frankly disgusting that he didn't pick it up yesterday. He sounds immature and ignorant, sorry sad

BrixtonQueen Sun 02-Aug-15 14:22:38

Lay it on the line to him, a joke I humorous and everybody laughs. If he 'jokes' about your vagina again you will have no qualms in revealing that his penis is like a tiny slug and that you needs tweezers and a magnifying glass to look at it and see how funny he thinks it is to be the butt of the joke. I pity the nasty fool

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now