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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I'm dreading going on holiday with dh

34 replies

Fallentree · 02/08/2015 09:18

Next week we're due to go on a two week holiday (with 2 dc). Our marriage really isn't in a good way at the moment due to various issues and I'm already dreading spending two weeks together. We barely spend any time together now so the thought of every day together is quite a worry. Last year our holiday was quite tense, we're only going for the dc this time. Has anyone found that going on holiday has actually made things worse?

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mojo17 · 02/08/2015 09:29

I've done that
It was horrible and just crystallised my feelings that it would be the last time I did that and would leave him
He was just bloody awful to me and the kids did know, the atmosphere was so tense despite me trying to cover it up and jolly everything along
I don't know what the answer for you is other than trying to talk to him before you go.
Is it an option for one of you not to go for done reading the kids would be happy and understand?

Fallentree · 02/08/2015 09:33

I wish it was only one of us, that's not really an option at this stage. It's a holiday centred around the dc, otherwise I don't think we'd be going as we never spend any time together so I don't know what we'd do.
I think the tension of being together for that long is just going to rise.

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MyGastIsFlabbered · 02/08/2015 09:35

Please don't go for your DCs, my parents separated but decided to go on the holiday they'd booked before separating. It was awful.

PotteringAlong · 02/08/2015 09:37

I think you need a serious talk before you leave otherwise it's going to be horrific.

goodbyespeech · 02/08/2015 09:59

I have done this. We didn't even decide to go until the day before and only did it for the kids.

It was awful. He cut the holiday short and made us all come home and the journey back was horrendous. Mind you at least we both knew it was definitely over, no hope.

Sorry that doesn't help you.

I remember doing most things on my own with dc and leaving him miserable. So at least they got something out of it.

Hassled · 02/08/2015 10:02

Is there any chance that spending time with him having fun with the DCs will actually do the marriage some good - that it might remind you why you got together in the first place? I think if you go along assuming it will be shit, it will definitely be shit. But go with the mindset that it's a change of scene and the kids will enjoy it, and it might come good.

mrsdavidbowie · 02/08/2015 10:13

Same as mojo
Last year's holiday I realised how rude and dismissive he was of me in front of others.
And how I just didn't want to be with him any more.
Now divorced.

Fallentree · 02/08/2015 10:21

You're possibly right about my negative attitude but I guess because of how things are already I don't think things will change now. It's just the unknown of how it will be now. Last year was pretty bad so I'm just going on that. I think I am wondering if this will be the last straw. I just hope dc have a good time despite it. We don't have an option of coming home early.

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goodbyespeech · 02/08/2015 10:24

When you don't want to be with someone any more holidays and Christmas are horrendous. Oh and new year.

Pagwatch · 02/08/2015 10:28

Is this tension between you just unspoken?
Is it not worth saying 'I know we are distant but we are going away together - can we use this time to actively try to get on'

Fallentree · 02/08/2015 10:28

Oh yes, Christmas wasn't great and New Year came to an early end.....

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Pagwatch · 02/08/2015 10:29

Because if it was bad last time and you are expecting this to be worse, then what do you imagine is going to stop it being awful?
Does that make sense ?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 02/08/2015 10:30

What are your marital issues and why was your last holiday "quite tense"? Are the issues fixable and do the 2 of you want to improve things? Because if not I think you should seriously consider not going on holiday.

mrsdavidbowie · 02/08/2015 10:32

Oh Christmas shudders
At least this year will be a million times better

Branleuse · 02/08/2015 10:33

if youre definitely going to go, then you need to talk in advance.
Say that you realise this holiday could be make or break for you.Youd like to be able to give the children a last good holiday and lets do this amicably and try and have a good time as possible. Also remember that it will be partly you who influences this too. Its rarely one sided

Fallentree · 02/08/2015 10:37

I don't think I'd know where to start with talking. We just don't talk, just get on with it. I am wondering if this will make or break us now. We don't sleep together now so fortunately we're not doing that on holiday. I hoping as this years holiday is more of an activity holiday with more distracting us that we'll just get through it for the dc and then come back to our fairly separate lives.

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hesterton · 02/08/2015 10:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pagwatch · 02/08/2015 10:41

That's so miserable I don't really know what to say.
Your children are going to grow up with a pretty tragic view of what a relationship is about.

Pagwatch · 02/08/2015 10:50

Oh lord, I'm sorry - that's a bit like the dreadful ' I feel sorry for your children' but it really sounds so sad.

I can't believe that just sleepwalking through this without making some attempt to salvage things or separate is a good idea.

swimmerforlife · 02/08/2015 10:52

How old are the kids? If they are still young, I would probably go and try to give the kids a decent holiday. Try and do separate stuff, i.e you take one shopping and he takes other to the beach etc. Then have a serious talk when you get back and hopefully a holiday might clear your head.

If the older, I would probably not go as they are defiantly going to pick up on tension.

CalleighDoodle · 02/08/2015 10:57

my husband left me a few weeks after boliing our summer holiday. It was January. I looked at cancelling / transferring etc but in the end we decided to go as a family (in the august). We had a tense relationshio from jan to august, but we had a great time on holiday. Without the daily stresses of life it was fine.

Although as youve already experienced an awful holiday with your ex, i wouldn't risk another.

CalmYourselfTubbs · 02/08/2015 10:59

if i were you, i would simply refuse to go.
its clearly going to be hell and the kids will be miserable.
i would start the conversation by saying "look DH, i'm not going on this holiday. we both know its over, so let's just save on the torture."
no argument, no negotiation. just don't pack and refuse to budge.
hide your passport in a friends house, if needed.
he's not the boss of you. he can't drag you by the hair to the holiday.

.........can he?

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mariposa10 · 02/08/2015 11:00

It's a really really bad idea to go. You'll be stuck in an unfamiliar place with no escape. I went on a holiday at the tail end of a relationship and it was hellish. For the sake of the children I think you should cancel.

FunnyNameHere · 02/08/2015 11:11

What are the issues? Are they fixable?

It could go either way. You might find being together 24/7 is surprisingly lovely, reminds you why you married each other, relaxes you, makes you shag, gives you a chance to sort things out.

Or, you'll kill him.

Why not go with the attitude that ITLL be really nice? Act AS IF you're looking forward to it, think of the reasons why it'll be lovely, etc.

Fallentree · 02/08/2015 11:26

I think our marriage has possibly run it's course. We don't have much in common, don't have any affection. It's been like this for years, just with the tension rising. I don't think things are fixable now. It's theoretically a great holiday for the dc (8 and 9). I think we're going to have to do a lot separately.

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