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New relationship?

(7 Posts)
judeb1969 Sun 02-Aug-15 01:35:17

I haven't had a relationship for ten years, since I lost my husband and father to my children. Recently I've met someone I really like, in fact I haven't felt this way about anyone since I met my husband. He has also lost a partner who was the mother of his child, to whom he is a full-time dad. When I heard this, my heart went out to him.

I met this man at an addiction counselling course, which I have no doubt will set up alarm bells with some of you. Yes, he is a drug addict, but he's been really trying to get his life together, not least because he is a single dad to his daughter. I went to the counselling course because I have a drink problem, in that I don't need to drink but I am a persistent binge drinker. I think perhaps if we made a deal for me not to drink and him not to take drugs (which he usually doesn't), we may be able to sort our lives out.

I'd like a bit of advice on how to approach this, as he's just come out of a relationship which was a real "no no" - I know about it because I was friends with the woman concerned.

I would like to be friends with him however this turns out, because I actually really like him as a person.

Summerlovinf Sun 02-Aug-15 01:56:29

Well as well as the obvious red flag that he has a drug addiction he's had a 'no no' relationship with someone else recently. I don't know what you mean by that but it doesn't sound promising.

2Retts Sun 02-Aug-15 02:07:17

How many DC do you have and how old are they jude? I think it probably has a bearing to a degree.

As a union, this does sound like a recipe for disaster to me. Only because I have experience with a family member who thought that if she dated folk with similar issues, it would be a level field; it was always just a short path to relapse to be frank.

I think, as friends, with clear boundaries, who support one another, it could be a helpful friendship for each of you. Beyond that, I would advise against but that is merely my humble opinion and I'm sure others will be along to relate their relevant experiences to give you a balanced picture.

You cannot be one another's project; it won't work.

Toohardtofindaproperusername Sun 02-Aug-15 02:18:10

Wait until you have both sorted out the reasons behind the addiction- separately. What was the "no no" ?
Focus on yourself and your drinking - anything else could be distraction I think from deeper issues.
What do YOU think?

BackInTheRealWorld Sun 02-Aug-15 02:18:28

How long has he been clean? How long have you been dry? Seriously I think you both need to have shown long term commitment to fight your addictions first else you can easily slide into some fucked up codependent excuse and blame scenario. I'm not saying it isn't a goer. But unless you both long term clean then it's quite dangerous. (no actual qualifications in such matters, just my experience project working in hostels) x

NeedsMoreCowBell Sun 02-Aug-15 02:47:16

Most treatment centres and addiction advisors would say you'd both need a couple of years sobriety before getting involved in any kind of relationship.

Once you get to bottom of your reasons for drinking, your better placed to cope with them.

Lots of people have gone for it in early sobriety.... I've never seen a relationship work.

Reginamangina Sun 02-Aug-15 04:35:43

My best friend says she's addicted to self harm. She met a recovering addict at a group therapy thing. She expected my to be judgemental but I said as long as they were both happy what did it matter what others said. Both came from disastrous relationships & both had chaotic lifestyles. I have never met a more balanced, open, honest and more importantly happy couple. Neither claim to have been cured of their respective addictions but they no longer partake. There's nothing to say you can't have a friendship/relationship but be wary of codependency.

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