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Should I leave DH?

(17 Posts)
miracle0812 Sun 02-Aug-15 01:05:15

Hi everyone I'm so confused and looking for advice especially from those who have left their DH's!
We have been together for 8 years married for 7 I was very young when we married (21) he is 18 years older we have DC together. Things have always been rocky but we have had some really good times.
Recently though he joined Facebook and started spending ridiculous amounts of time on it and completely ignoring us.

One day I saw that a woman who lives in a different country commented on his pic in a really flirty way he replied in a flirty way this angered me as I felt humiliated especially as it was so open for my friends and relatives to see! I clicked on her profile and saw that he had wrote how sexy she looks on her pics and everytime she posted anything which was many times through the days he commented on it I confronted him he laughed it off because she's in another country we had a big row I was really hurt that he was saying those things to her but wasn't like that with me. I told him that maybe we should spend the night apart because we couldn't stop arguing and I didn't want the children affected. He agreed to go to a friends nearby he kissed me said I love you and left.

The next day he came back seemed happy to be back, he went to sleep I went through his phone... Facebook private messages between him and this woman had been going on for weeks! Including a night that we spent in a hotel together!!!
Our sex life has been rare lately due to apparently his antidepressants making him lose his sex drive. Yet turns out the night he spent away there had been very sexual messages going back between them most of the night he even sent her a pic of his jeans showing an erection underneath and then phoned her I have never been so gutted in my life I could barely hold the phone through shaking I felt like vomiting it's the worst feeling ever especially reading that he had told her he's married but having the "7 year itch"!! Now there is no trust he's blocked her and regrets being in contact with her but he still will not take responsibility for his actions keeps blaming it on me for "kicking him out"
He is very flirty with a lot of women on his friends list and it makes me sick! He accuses me of being jealous and possessive I know he's never physically cheated on me but now I'm wondering if this is what will happen in the future.
Ever since all of this the trust and communication has gone we can't talk about anything without arguing he starts getting sarcastic doing voice impressions of me and makes fun of me for crying. He used to be my hero he is my first love yet I feel I would be happier if we were apart he doesn't seem to care anymore drinks every night and pretty much ignores me. He's rarely on Facebook now but the relationship is falling apart
I'm worried that if I do leave then I will regret it and be forever unhappy I can't imagine life without him because for my whole adult life it's been us.
He's not interested in me sexually yet he gets interested in a profile picture of someone else...
I just don't know what to do is the grass greener on the other side of will I live with regret?

WhatifIdid Sun 02-Aug-15 01:11:53

If he doesn't want to improve your relationship, you can't do it on your own can you? Relationships take two. And it is soul-destroying to try on your own and will ruin your self-respect and esteem.

Im sorry love, but it does sound like you have little choice. If he's checked out of your marriage, it can't work with just your commitment.

2Retts Sun 02-Aug-15 01:28:17

Only you can make that decision miracle and only you know the full story but it does sound as though you have been unhappy for a while.

I agree with Whatif, it takes two to make it work and that requires real commitment on both his and your part.

My ex husband and I married when I was 21 and he was older. We also had two DC together. Over time, our relationship had degraded to such a point that it was severely controlling and emotionally abusive (I am NOT suggesting this is the case here but he is certainly systematically disrespecting and undermining your feelings). I wish MN had existed then...

I looked at my two DC and realised I had to do the right thing by them. Decision made just shy of our eighth wedding anniversary, I left the relationship with the DCs (then 6 and 2) and the clothes we wore and have never looked back nor regretted my choice.

The grass is only greener if it's being tended with care and in relationships, it takes all parties involved to share the tending.

miracle0812 Sun 02-Aug-15 01:52:38

Thank you both for your great replies!
2retts sounds very similar even the ages of children are the same and also not long till 8th year. I'm scared terrified of the unknown the thought of him being with someone else kills me but the other part of me thinks no one would put up with his ways! Why I am I don't know? Well I do! When things are great they are really great but that is so rare and when things are bad they are beyond hell.
I cannot afford to move out and stay in the local area so would have to relocate which means changing school too!
We are so different we are complete opposites the bad outweighs the good by far!
I have no family nearby and am not close to them at all! I really don't know what to do it's stay and be lonely and sad or leave and be lonely and sad xxx

2Retts Sun 02-Aug-15 02:34:46

Oh trust me miracle there is always somebody that will put up with that crap.

I remember collecting my guys from his next wedding a couple of years later and felt bereft, so I totally get that feeling about seeing him with someone else too.

However, what I realised was that our marriage had been a lie. He was dancing with his new bride which is something he knew I loved but had refused to do with me stating he 'never danced, ever'. He introduced me to his new friends as his 'next wife'...ffs, seriously? How crass!

Some men have chameleon type qualities to adapt according to the current partner but, behind closed doors, the facade eventually slips into 'the script' land.

Take a look throughout the relationships board and you will see what I mean. I expect you'll even find a few in exactly your position.

If you're going to leave, just have a plan and take all the great advice you will most certainly get from the wonderfully experienced folk right here. You don't have to be sad and lonely, you just need to take charge of your and your DCs lives. Just have a plan. Best of luck miracle.

PS Your guys are young enough to cope as long as you are together enough to ensure their emotional balance and security.

miracle0812 Sun 02-Aug-15 02:45:09

Thank you so much your wise words mean a lot!
I keep thinking about silly things like what about Xmas without him this is such a tough decision! I never want to be in a relationship ever again I hate all this! Xxx

2Retts Sun 02-Aug-15 03:45:12

Yeah, I totally appreciate that sentiment; you suddenly realise how emotionally draining the whole experience has become. I ruled out relationships for years afterwards too...not necessarily a good thing. Just be aware of where you are emotionally and how you're doing things for your guys.

Christmas will be what you make it for your guys. You get to set all the traditions, how cool is that?

You will make it with a plan miracle; you simply need to have a bit of faith in your ability to be a good mum and I'm certain you already have that.

InTheBox Sun 02-Aug-15 11:49:21

I agree with 2retts you need a plan and faith in your ability to carve out a better future for you and your dcs.

It does seem daunting because it is, this is the only life you've ever known so anything outside of it seems terrifying. I honestly wish MN had been around in the days I was going through something similar. It won't be easy and at times it's like trying to juggle a million balls in the air - especially so because of the roller coaster emotions involved but looking back I'm glad I took that step into the unknown.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Sun 02-Aug-15 11:55:39

I cannot afford to move out and stay in the local area so would have to relocate which means changing school too!

What assumptions are you making to come to that conclusion?

miracle0812 Sun 02-Aug-15 12:09:34

Thank you so much everyone it really feels like you understand! How long did it take you all before you felt ok after leaving?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 02-Aug-15 12:09:38

"The trust and communication has gone"

Once the trust has gone, there is no relationship left to salvage.

miracle0812 Sun 02-Aug-15 12:11:29

Ketchup.. The area I live in is high in rent which I wouldn't manage on my own but the next town which I lived in before is half the price so financially it would be the best/only option.
I wish I had a crystal ball

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 02-Aug-15 12:25:25

I think the feeling would be that you'd stay and your ex would contribute and move out?

miracle0812 Sun 02-Aug-15 12:56:56

I can't stand this house and even if I did like it I can't bear the memories I don't even want any of the stuff in it because it's attached to our marriage I think a fresh start is needed we only moved to his house to make it easier for him to get to work
I'm currently sat here in tears I'm so angry it's our daughters birthday today we had planned a family trip out but as usual he drank too much last night and is still in bed saying he doesn't feel well.. You wouldn't feel well if you drink every night while on antidepressants!!!!!

loveyoutothemoon Sun 02-Aug-15 13:19:27


Getuhda348 Sun 02-Aug-15 15:14:17

He's disrespectful and that would be enough for me to leave. And tbh in my opinion it would only be a matter of time until he did cheat. You deserve more than to be made fun of and to have your feeling belittled and disregarded. Your completly right to feel the way you do. Only you can make this decision but I hope you decide your better without him.

miracle0812 Sun 02-Aug-15 18:03:27

Thank you I know you're right it's just making the jump I'm completely alone. I really am stuck! We go on family holidays abroad yearly that would all end family birthdays Christmas it would all be so different days out would be so hard (one child is autistic and ADHD) I know he would move on quickly cause he did after previous relationships and having someone else around my children would hurt me so much! Also what if me actually leaving him forces him to change (I don't think he believes I would ever leave) and it's been a massive mistake?

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