I have been seeing someone for four months and, following a petty argument last week, he drove home and we haven't spoken since. I felt very strongly that he was being unreasonably snappy and impatient with me but I whatsapped him next day to ask if he was OK.
The 'relationship' has been shaky and he confided in me a couple of weeks ago that he gets really quite serious anxiety whereby he gets irrational thoughts/worries about things, particularly after drinking the night before. He goes out drinking frequently and says he wishes he could just have a couple but ends up having a lot more sometimes (though often just sticks to a couple of pints). The way he described his moods I wondered if it could be depression, he said he'd wondered the same and that he talked about going for counselling. Without going into loads of detail he has n/c with one of his parents, the other one died and he has n/c with his sister and only a distant relationship with his brother. He told me that he finds relationships really difficult and finds he can't seem to give himself properly to them. I felt sad about that at the time as I really like him and also sympathise with his problems. In some ways he's a lovely guy - really good company, funny and interesting but he does have a detached side to him where I can tell he's pushing me away and sometimes he's called me names 'just joking' which I've found hurtful. He also has this temper which comes out in weird ways (he got really angry once someone ran past him close - I know that sounds bizarre (!) but he really was angry.
We've exchanged a few messages since the argument last week but today, after I asked if he wanted to talk about things, etc, he said that there was no point in endless debates (this is all by whatsapp as I had felt he didn't want to talk by phone so was testing the water by messaging first). I have definitely been the one pushing for a resolution and he has resisted and it's clear that he had no intention of trying to sort things out by the responses I got (even though he basically was hinting that he'd like to see me tonight by repeatedly saying he had no plans for tonight and asking if I did). He said that though he loves my company, fancies me loads, etc, it's the 'relationship bit' that he finds difficult. I took this to mean that basically he'd just like me to be a fwb which I'm pretty p*ssed off about! The thing is, he does this and I think it's a self-destruction thing. I know it doesn't sound like it but I know he really likes me - I can tell. He just seems to get to a point where he totally withdraws and has no ability to put himself out there - whether that's for insecure reasons or not - it comes across as 'I can't be arsed' - but I honestly don't know if that's the case. Does anyone know whether this is normal for someone who has anxiety/possible depression? ie. coming across as if you don't care about the person you've been in a relationship with and acting completely cold? We have had really lovely, intimate times together and he's told me that he can't believe how much he's fallen for me, etc in the past. I know it's over and I wouldn't be able to continue seeing him even if he suddenly did decide he wanted to discuss and sort out argument because there's no commitment there and that's no good for me. I just feel like I need to understand how he can turn his back so coldly and if it's part of this kind of anxiety/depression.
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Is this typical of someone with anxiety issues/depression?
17 replies
Hollypolitely · 01/08/2015 18:47
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