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Is this typical of someone with anxiety issues/depression?

(18 Posts)
Hollypolitely Sat 01-Aug-15 18:47:14

I have been seeing someone for four months and, following a petty argument last week, he drove home and we haven't spoken since. I felt very strongly that he was being unreasonably snappy and impatient with me but I whatsapped him next day to ask if he was OK.

The 'relationship' has been shaky and he confided in me a couple of weeks ago that he gets really quite serious anxiety whereby he gets irrational thoughts/worries about things, particularly after drinking the night before. He goes out drinking frequently and says he wishes he could just have a couple but ends up having a lot more sometimes (though often just sticks to a couple of pints). The way he described his moods I wondered if it could be depression, he said he'd wondered the same and that he talked about going for counselling. Without going into loads of detail he has n/c with one of his parents, the other one died and he has n/c with his sister and only a distant relationship with his brother. He told me that he finds relationships really difficult and finds he can't seem to give himself properly to them. I felt sad about that at the time as I really like him and also sympathise with his problems. In some ways he's a lovely guy - really good company, funny and interesting but he does have a detached side to him where I can tell he's pushing me away and sometimes he's called me names 'just joking' which I've found hurtful. He also has this temper which comes out in weird ways (he got really angry once someone ran past him close - I know that sounds bizarre (!) but he really was angry.

We've exchanged a few messages since the argument last week but today, after I asked if he wanted to talk about things, etc, he said that there was no point in endless debates (this is all by whatsapp as I had felt he didn't want to talk by phone so was testing the water by messaging first). I have definitely been the one pushing for a resolution and he has resisted and it's clear that he had no intention of trying to sort things out by the responses I got (even though he basically was hinting that he'd like to see me tonight by repeatedly saying he had no plans for tonight and asking if I did). He said that though he loves my company, fancies me loads, etc, it's the 'relationship bit' that he finds difficult. I took this to mean that basically he'd just like me to be a fwb which I'm pretty p*ssed off about! The thing is, he does this and I think it's a self-destruction thing. I know it doesn't sound like it but I know he really likes me - I can tell. He just seems to get to a point where he totally withdraws and has no ability to put himself out there - whether that's for insecure reasons or not - it comes across as 'I can't be arsed' - but I honestly don't know if that's the case. Does anyone know whether this is normal for someone who has anxiety/possible depression? ie. coming across as if you don't care about the person you've been in a relationship with and acting completely cold? We have had really lovely, intimate times together and he's told me that he can't believe how much he's fallen for me, etc in the past. I know it's over and I wouldn't be able to continue seeing him even if he suddenly did decide he wanted to discuss and sort out argument because there's no commitment there and that's no good for me. I just feel like I need to understand how he can turn his back so coldly and if it's part of this kind of anxiety/depression.

Squeegle Sat 01-Aug-15 18:52:22

I would tend to leave him to it. He sounds like he does have issues, and whether they are anxiety, depression, drink, whatever, it ain't for you to solve them.and the fact that he has already called you names is a big red flag.

You sound a bit of a rescuer....I only say that as I recognise the behaviour from my own history, take it from me, you will not sort this guy out, he needs to do this himself.... And you need to be treated with kindness 100%

pocketsaviour Sat 01-Aug-15 18:55:20

I just feel like I need to understand how he can turn his back so coldly and if it's part of this kind of anxiety/depression.

Maybe. Or not. Sorry that's not very helpful, but people have such different ways of coping with their anxiety that I don't think anyone can say for sure.

This man sounds like more trouble than he's worth, TBH.

* He knows he has anxiety yet he goes out drinking which he knows makes it worse
* He can't control his drinking
* He hasn't sought any treatment for his anxiety
* He has deep-seated problems due to childhood trauma, which he also hasn't sought treatment for
* He has anger management issues, which he also hasn't sought treatment for
* He has told you he doesn't do relationships, basically
* He doesn't show any signs of wanting to make a relationship with you

You can't fix this man. It's not your job. He's the only person who can fix him.

Hollypolitely Sat 01-Aug-15 19:07:39

Hi - thanks for replies. I quite agree - I know it's up to him to sort his problems out, he's an adult and I suggested counselling but that's as far as my involvement went. I suppose I have just come out of it feeling really really rubbish and questioning my own inability to have a successful long-term relationship. I understand what you're both saying and I agree - I just wondered if this was typical behaviour for someone with these kind of issues. I know it's difficult for others to judge and that it sounds like I'm making excuses for someone who has behaved like a shit towards me. I just feel so upset that he's apparently come out of this without any feelings of regret or care for me!

Knightknight Sat 01-Aug-15 19:08:41

You deserve better than this. It should all be hearts and flowers still after 4 months

QuiteLikely5 Sat 01-Aug-15 19:11:04

He sounds like hard work! You can't fix him, cure or help him.

He is, who he is and if he was easily fixed he would have done it long ago.

Run for the hills. flowers

LashesandLipstick Sat 01-Aug-15 19:18:26

Some unsympathetic posters here.

OP sounds like he does have MH issues. If you do want a relationship with him be prepared for a lot of time, effort and understanding. Sometimes it can feel like people with MH issues don't care when they do, they just have trouble expressing it or don't know how to react in certain situations.

Myself and DP both do, but in a way it's easier as we can empathise with each other

LashesandLipstick Sat 01-Aug-15 19:19:10

As for typical - not unheard of but everyone with MH issues is so different so there isn't much of a typical

Squeegle Sat 01-Aug-15 19:36:42

I'm not at all unsympathetic, but with the benefit of hindsight, I don't think it's a great idea to involve oneself with someone who has massive mood swings, uses drink to self medicate, and who evidently has a difficult relationship with the family. AND who calls the OP names.
In my view, this relationship will give neither of them what they want or need.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Sat 01-Aug-15 19:41:21

I have just come out of it feeling really really rubbish and questioning my own inability to have a successful long-term relationship

You should be proud of yourself. You are likely to end up in a good long term relationship one day becuase you get rid of the ones where it will never work.

heyday Sun 02-Aug-15 08:02:39

As a very long term MH sufferer I can tell you that many of us find relationships extremely difficult. I have been with my partner for many years ( we do not live together), a couple of weeks ago I loved him so much and things were so good for us but fast forward a couple of weeks and I feel virtually nothing for him and don't really care if I ever saw him again. That's the way the relationship has always been. When my depression is under control we have a great relationship but once the dark clouds start to over shadow me then things very quickly fall apart.
This guy may well be a really nice bloke but you have had a small taster of what lies ahead. He has already said he doesn't cope with relationships well so take this as a huge red flag. You had a brief relationship, it didn't work out, move on now and be very thankful that you will be saving yourself from many years of insecurity and turbulence.

Allofaflumble Sun 02-Aug-15 08:41:30

If the boot were on the other foot, he would dump you no problem. He would tell his mates you were a psycho.

I doubt very much he would be analysing your behaviour and wondering why?

I'm saying this as a seasoned analyser of issue laden men and looking back it was such a waste of my precious time.

Let him go.

autumnleaves123 Sun 02-Aug-15 14:38:00

Whether it's depression or anxiety, or both, it doesn't matter that much at this stage. Give it whatever name, he has got serious issues, and that will translate into trouble in the future.

He seems to be aware that he has a problem but it is not willing to work things out in a way that is satisfactory for you as well. And for that reason I would not take this relationship further if I were you. Consider yourself lucky to escape in time.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 02-Aug-15 17:43:46

I bet it's purely down to the alcohol. This will be causing his mood swings. I was once in a relationship with a drinker. He was so miserable. If he's not prepared to majorly cut down, leave him. It's not worth the heartache.

ElkeDagMeisje Sun 02-Aug-15 19:50:25

He drinks too much and wants to have sex with women without the bother of a relationship (even when the woman really likes him and wants to put effort into trying and understanding his problems).

He sounds awful and actually very sleazy. He might not come across as too sleazy yet, because he's quite young or whatever, but give him a few years...

Atenco Sun 02-Aug-15 21:13:21

You sound a bit of a rescuer

I don't see any unkind posts here, BTW. I think it is important to recognise this in yourself, because rescuers go from one lost cause to another.

He is the problem here, not you, just as he is the only one who can do anything about dealing with his problems.

Egghead68 Sun 02-Aug-15 21:53:10

Time to move on,

Hollypolitely Sun 02-Aug-15 23:37:50

Thank you all - very much appreciate the advice and points of view and am definitely taking them on board. I am concerned that I'm a rescuer - coupled with the fact that I only ever seem to be attracted to unreliable/'complicated' men....hmm, my problem that I need to sort out. It's not that I'm being strong walking away like a couple of people have suggested - he's the one who has ended it - but, even though I'm upset and down, I do recognise that there wasn't much prospect of a long-term relationship. I think he was really very selfish and hope that, looking back I will feel relieved that he ended it when he did. I do really sympathise with his possible MH issues, though - I think he's quite lonely and genuinely struggles with developing real relationships. Anyway, thanks for responses, it's been comforting and interesting to read them.

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