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You're told to "STFU!" by your DP...

(51 Posts)
Beelzebop Sat 01-Aug-15 00:57:23

During a fairly one sided row. Just his tbh. There is background, bit I am skewed as to my reactions and would like to know how you would react, when trying to get your opinion over to be told that a couple of times. Thanks, really need normal brained advice xx

LookAtMeGo Sat 01-Aug-15 01:03:01

Need to know what the argument was! Were you being unreasonable?! That phrase is horrible, and I can't imagine saying it to anyone, especially someone I love! What on earth was the row?!

AdoraBell Sat 01-Aug-15 01:03:41

That sounds like an ex DP To me.

You deserve better, kick this one To the kirb.

ThoseAwfulCurtains Sat 01-Aug-15 01:12:09

One sided row is the key phrase.
It's not right. You'd be justified in telling him to leave.

Beelzebop Sat 01-Aug-15 01:26:01

I'm sorry, been trying to work out what the argument was about not sure He's a twat I've long suspected but wanted to know how individuals would react. I was trying to get a word in. He was having a one sided rant at me.

Butterflywings168 Sat 01-Aug-15 01:32:39

I would STFU...permanently, to him...and LTB. Rude and nasty and unacceptable even during the heat of a row. thanks

TheDowagerCuntess Sat 01-Aug-15 04:58:39

I'm 42 no I've never been told to STFU in my life, let alone by a boyfriend/partner/husband.



CantAffordtoLive Sat 01-Aug-15 07:05:46

I've never had that said to me either and my Ex was abusive in many ways.

So. I would STFU and never speak to him or see him again. No ending it, no explanations, just >> gone!

Mehitabel6 Sat 01-Aug-15 07:07:51

I have never had it said to me by anyone.
I would just tell him that I would take his advice- and then leave.

Mehitabel6 Sat 01-Aug-15 07:08:25

After that don't enter into further discussion about it.

Joysmum Sat 01-Aug-15 08:39:14

Nothing gets sorted in a row. If a discussion turns into a row I disengage and come back to it later when there's a chance it'll be constructive and not just make things worse.

Handywoman Sat 01-Aug-15 08:44:10

I was told to STFU by my exH

Nearly binned him then. Should have binned him then (took me a further 3 years).

You should bin a man if he says that to you.

Ragwort Sat 01-Aug-15 08:45:39

I am a lot older that TheDowager and equally have never been spoken to like that by anyone, nor have I ever said it although I can come close with my teenage DS blush - I can't imagine staying married to someone who spoke to me in that manner.

TwoNoisyBoys Sat 01-Aug-15 08:52:42

ExH used to talk to me like started off gradually, within rows, and then before I know it it was part of his everyday language with me. Along with name calling and other verbal abuse. It's utterly demoralising.
Notice I say EX H.........!

NoraLouca Sat 01-Aug-15 09:01:58

My experience is the same as twonoisyboys exh started by telling me to STFU during arguments then it spread to everyday, along with other names and swearing. It was quite gradual so I kind of got used to it. Not saying your DP will be like this but it's something to watch out for.

If I had a future partner who spoke to me like that I would leave there and then.

TheStoic Sat 01-Aug-15 10:00:21

If anyone said that to me, I would never speak to them again. Their wish would be granted.

Beelzebop Sat 01-Aug-15 11:21:52

Thanks so much for your replies. I have posted before, I am one of the idiots who put up with hassle a fair bit. I am finally disengaging I think. It's hard to tell after fifteen years what's right.

MereKaffe Sat 01-Aug-15 11:37:41

Grant his wish and never speak to him again.
My x used to talk to me like that. So so glad he is my x. Dunno why i put up with it for so long.

AdoraBell Sat 01-Aug-15 11:40:57

You are not an idiot. Your last sentence explains why you feel unsure whether you are right.

We can see the situación from the outside, a much clearer view. You are beginning To see it too but your view has been blocked for a long time. It will take time, be kind To yourself and maybe contact Women's Aid for some RL support.

Lurkedforever1 Sat 01-Aug-15 11:48:18

I'm going to differ and say it depends on circumstances and history.
Dds father- yes, more proof of abuse cos he'd say it knowing I would stfu and wouldn't dream of speaking to him that way.
Perfectly lovely ex- not at all. He'd say it knowing I wasn't intimidated, and expect my response to be even more offensive. And knowing that on a general basis I was as likely to instigate being offensive as he was.

PoundingTheStreets Sat 01-Aug-15 12:25:55

STFU is a horribly disrespectful phrase to use towards anyone, let alone the one person you're supposed to love and respect more than anyone.

Beelzebop Sat 01-Aug-15 12:46:28

Lurked, I totally agree. It was said to shut me up. Plenty of people have said it to me jokingly, totally different. Thank you for making me realise that. It makes it worse as he's being all nice and I could cheerfully bop him one.

JimineyJelickers Sat 01-Aug-15 12:52:31

My exP told me this, it started off just in arguments but spread to happening regularly. I should have left the first time he said it. I am so happy now that I don't have to tolerate being shouted and sworn at by some angry man. You deserve better OP. flowers

Lurkedforever1 Sat 01-Aug-15 13:08:15

My nice ex wouldn't have said it joking in an argument, but did know I wasn't intimidated by him and could give as good as I got, nor did phrases like that pop up early on before we were both very comfortable with each other and knew what limits we could go to if that makes sense?
From what you're saying though it doesn't sound a two way thing or something rooted in knowing you were ok and equipped to respond back in the same manner, so I'd be inclined from what you say to think he's being a knob that you can do without.

Beelzebop Sat 01-Aug-15 13:13:01

I know it's not right. What depresses me is that I am one of many on here. He's nice mostly, evil sometimes. I tried to help him but you can't change what's in the dna can you? His mum is just as rude I have realised, a total control freak. I just feel sad he's done this to our kids effectively.

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