Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I being a bitch?(37 Posts)
Firstly - we both work, our outgoings are roughly £2k per month, he contributes £650 to the family coffers, we are both left with roughly the same amount each month for personal use, extras etc. He uses his to go the pub/gym/buy stuff for himself/takeaways I use mine to family stuff, days out/holidays etc. He always maxes his account inc. overdraft every month and frequently has to borrow money from me to tide him over which I rarely see back (not a problem if I don't need it for something else).
We have had a some surprise money (few hundred pounds) and he has asked for some of it to boost his flagging coffers whilst I feel it should go toward our family holiday at the end of the month. He's pulling his face so said take enough to clear his overdraft and save the rest, now he's moaning that he should have more (this would be about £150).
I'm reluctant to just pass money over to him (I could afford it and would normally not hesitate) but feel that he's taking the piss now, he never budgets, moans constantly about having no money but fritters it away on shit whilst "forgetting" to save for important things like his dogs vaccinations/wormer/flea treatment (was one of the things we agreed he would take financial responsibility for when he got the dog).
Am I just being a bitch???
Btw - he does fuck all around the house unless its absolutely necessary then moans his bag off about never having time to himself/a social life/happiness etc.
He's made a rod for his own back then. He has the money to be able to do all those things yet squanders it on crap. Yours goes to family things. So basically he spends it entirely to himself while yours goes toward responsibilities and nice tings for the family? Then he moans that be doesn't have more money for nice times for himself? He's taking the piss. And he does bugger all. I think you're being too nice if anything. Not a bitch.
Stop lending him money that you never see back let him take responsibility. Don't give him more money out of this money as it's already going towards something for him- does he think holidays fund themselves? Get him doing stuff around the house. Tellhhim to grow up and stop acting like single man.
You deserve someone more responsible than this.
And lending him money you never see back IS a problem. It is getting him into the habit of you always bailing him out and teaching him that he can be frivolous for himself only and then when he's in the shit he can take YOUR little bit of money for yourself and use that too. Stop being his safety net and let him see how good he really has it when you are no longer there to be the responsible adult. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions!
He got paid today, he got home at 11.30pm after entering the pub at 4pm following work & the gym, pissed up and making what he thought were witty/sarcastic comments about me not greeting him with a smile along with a takeaway for one (his dinner was cooked for him at 6 and is still in the fridge) - he never text/called to let me know he was staying out but feels its his right as he works hard and has had a shit day.
Of course its my fault for making home such an awful place for him.
Oh my god. Fuck all that. Does HE make YOU happy? Passive aggressive wanker. Yes he can unwind and relax and he works hard or whatever but surely it's not too hard to say 'do you mind if I go for a drink, no need to make dinner as I'll get myself something'. It really isn't asking for much with a little consideration. I would stop making his tea too. My ex got a bit like this in that he moaned at everything I did. I soon stopped cleaning and cooking for him. I'm not someone's skivvy and you shouldn't be either. You're making it too easy for him. It's a shame because it's so lovely of you. How I would love to come home and have someone cook for me, look after my finances, help me out when I have no cash. He seems to think it's his right and still he takes the piss. Does he make you happy? Fuck him and how he feels as he does what he wants anyway. How do you feel?
I wouldn't be greeting him with a smile either. Knob. He really does think the world revolves around him. You seem so lovely and deserve better
No financial awareness of the real costs of running a family above rent and bills
No contribution to said costs
Squanders every last penny and more on shit and expects you to bail him out
Lazy around the house
Doesnt let you know when he is going on a bender and acts like an arse when he returns
Please tell me why you are with him because for the life of me I cant see why anyone would give him houseroom.
Pissed off and angry most of the time, disappointed for the rest. Have posted on here before about separating but nothing "major" enough happens to give me the push just to say Fuck Off You Whiny bastard
Same as bogey says here too.
You say you spend your money on family stuff? Do you have kids together? Does he acknowledge that he's shit with money?
If you do have kids together then at the very least you need to sit down together and do a budget where family stuff (this includes presents for other kids birthday parties etc) is paid for equally/proportionately by both of you. Then you can both have some separate money to spend as you wish. If you're feeling kind you could help him come up with a budget for himself so eg he can take out £100 cash per week for jollies for himself and get rid of his debts. When he runs out of money he's out of luck.
However tbh, from your OP he doesn't sound like much of a catch.
Lol Bogeyface I agree with you too but for the life of me just can't seem to pull the plug and I have NO idea why????? We do have 2 DC together who he does love - or seems to - but he spends little or no time with them voluntarily.
Had a recent health scare and he was the last person I wanted to speak to about it - says it all really
Can't understand why I am being so feeble about it- I am really an opinionated, strong-willed woman!!!
Pissed off and angry most of the time, disappointed for the rest. Have posted on here before about separating but nothing "major" enough happens to give me the push just to sayFuck Off You Whiny bastard".
That's your answer then. Not once did you say anything positive. You don't need anything major for it to be over. I heard a quote a few times 'death by a thousand cuts' or some such. Basically the small things, over and over. Better to get out. You're not at all happy. There is more to life than this and you're wasting your lovely generosity and cooking on this wanker
Trust me, I am not wasting my cooking skills - unless fish finger butties have recently become a major delicacy
Understand what you're getting at though LadyLu87
I understand why you don't pull the plug - because it's not that bad, is it, not yet. He is an utter cocklodger though, you do realise that, don't you?
But I do think you should stop lending him money, since he's so crap with it. And you most definitely are not a bitch for being careful with your windfall. He's a spendthrift, profligate idiot and if he was with someone similar (or on his own) they'd probably homeless by now.
Lack of money management ability REALLY pisses me off.
You sound so nice, paying for his and your children's holidays while he pisses his money away
He makes 650 a month?
I think your problem is that you're not a big enough bitch. And he's a cocklodger.
No, I think he contributes £650 to a £2k monthly bill of rent/bills etc. So you're already forking out more than him just to keep life ticking over op.
He should appreciate that that's the reason he's got ANY disposable money.
I couldn't put up with this, he's ripping the piss out of your laid back nature.
Your initial statement about 'having the same for personal use' is totally incorrect. His amount is, yours is not AMD is being used on things that should have come out of the family budget. Yet still he manages to overspend and you have enough left to.bail him out?
Totally financially irresponsible and sounds like he has few redeeming features from your updates. I'd seriously be considering the future of this relationship.
Trust me, I am not wasting my cooking skills - unless fish finger butties have recently become a major delicacy smile
Actually, that's one of the joys of life.
As to this manchild, you need to have a conversation about finances. If he starts blaming it on you, I would ask him to leave.
Ditto the others.
You should have equal money for 'personal use'. That's how things work in this household and that amount is in personal accounts so it is separate.
But the money is not your main issue here, it's the inequality and lack of partnership.
I wouldn't be waiting around for him to drain me any more of a financially secure life. It's
How much play money does he have left at the end of the month and why does he think that's his and his alone, yet tags along on family days, thought of, organised and funded by you, with your savings? Does he have a pension or is he hoping you'll be saving as well and give him pocket money to spend up the pub? Or will he be expecting to keep his pension for fun and you use yours to pay for everything?
And you both work hard, you also have a job and parenting, housework- it's a model you live now that was more the norm many years ago, with him taking the cash out of his pay for you for housekeeping for you.
Join the discussion
Please login first.