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Newly single Mum -- not sure how to do this re: DD seeing her Dad/me moving on and healing..

(5 Posts)
eepie Fri 31-Jul-15 22:23:22

Me and DD's Dad separated about 2 weeks ago... I went down to the countryside to see my family for a week and it was just me and DD and we had a lovely time, was just so nice to be out of that toxic atmosphere that it's been in our home for the last couple months..DD was so much less clingy, less tantrums, seemed calmer and happier. I was much less stressed and happier. We got into a nice rhythm and had such a lovely time together, I loved it. I was glad of a bit of break when we got back to the city and DD's Dad came the next morning to see DD and he looked after her in the morning so I had a lie-in and chilled a bit which was great. But now we are back living in his house...he is living at his Mum's and coming in the mornings some times and some times after work to give her dinner & bath etc. It's all a bit random and disjointed. Sometimes he gives me a hug when he says goodbye, sometimes he still calls me baby when asking me to pass him something or whatever. I can feel myself getting pulled back in just because he's suddenly being so nice and respectful. I can't help but feel bitter/angry that he wouldn't be like that before, in order to save us. He seems to have accepted us breaking up really easily and he only shows that he is sad not to have seen DD for a week. I can just feel my heartstrings going out to him & missing him even though I know he has been a bastard and treated me badly.
Anyway...I have arranged (pretty much confirmed) that I'm going to rent a flat 10 mins down the road from his house where me and DD are living now, so that he can see her all the time as he wants to...he's a very hands on Dad and wants to be very present for her. But I'm wondering what the right arrangement is...she's still breastfeeding so he can't really put her to bed at his house as she breastfeeds before bed and in morning. She always wants me to put her to bed. I don't really want him to have her overnight as I don't trust yet I think she's still too little, she is only 1. And also I don't want particularly to see him every day ! I think it's too much and too hard for me to heal and move on if I still see him as much as I did when we were together, except the difference is he's just not here in the evenings with me or going to bed with me. What's the right balance and what is fair ? Also should we still do stuff as a family ie. go to out mutual friend's kids birthday parties/lunches or hang out with his family... I don't know. How do I move on from him when I see him all the time ? He still does his washing here and having to take his socks and t-shirts and stuff off the line just makes me cry and makes me really feel the loss of the presence of a man in my life, and obviously him in particular. I know I need to have my own space and move out of his house to get some closure, distance...autonomy but the flat isn't ready until earliest 30th Sept !! This is such a weird limbo time...

Any advice appreciated thank you.

RachelLunaMoon Sat 01-Aug-15 22:00:11

Aww! I'm also heartbroken at the moment and his stuff also still here so I feel your pain in that regard. I think that you should find somewhere of your own and then make it feel like home, your own space, and then talk to your ex about access arrangements. If you know when he's coming you can gear yourself up for it and contact between you is minimal until you can face it better. It's also then less likely to interrupt you and daughters routine. I would reccomend you allow generous access to him (every other day maybe?) so that you don't do your daughter a diservice. I know it's hard to see your ex when you still kind of love them but hate them too! I wish you all the luck in the world but something tells me you will be fine and will be able to make it work! Xxxxx

RachelLunaMoon Sat 01-Aug-15 22:02:53

Before you can move out, I would have a chat with him and get him to give you some space and notice of when hes coming round. Xxx

TuppenceLister Tue 04-Aug-15 08:05:51

Hi Eepie and RachelLunaMoon,
I have recently separated too. I am now 4 weeks in new house. Then before I spent 3 months in spare room and I thought that was awful, OH lots of passive aggressive " I will give you space" then coming into my room at all,hours to ask me questions or banging about in the kitchen ( spare room off kitchen) in the wee hours...so I felt that being out would be better!
AND IT IS! Of course you still have to speak to him ( I have a 10 & 12 yro and we are sharing children access equally) but when He tries his controlling crap I can just calmly stop him and leave.
Like you I have had the weird - still feel like calling him Love, sometimes a hug when we say goodbye, it is hard packing up 17 years of being together. But I know I am better off away, so,stick,with it, take baby steps, try to speak to him ( mine never wanted to talk about the REAL stuff) if he won't discuss it, make notes and email him or text him. I,have kept records of our conversations, mostly because they are so rare but also because he will use my word against me given the chance. Good luck!

eepie Thu 06-Aug-15 21:31:25

Hi RachelLunaMoon, TuppenceLister thanks so much for responses, I have only just seen them as I thought this thread had died !

Hi there I have only just seen these posts again as I thought the thread had died ! Ha.
Thank you for you responses... it has been really hard this week...the sadness has been creeping in more... I see him giving her a bath and being nice to me and respectful and acting like the perfect Dad and it just amplifies my loss and it makes me angry like why couldn't he have been like this a few months ago when our relationship was on the line. It makes me think just for a second that everything is going to be ok & maybe we'll be happy and a family again...especially when he slips and accidentally says 'Baby can you pass the...' or whatever... sad but then I remember all the horrible things he has done and said to me & I realise those are his true colours, and I remember him saying he doesn't want to change and basically choosing his mood disorder over me and DD. Saying he doesn't want to give it up. And it brings me back down to earth and I realise 'no, no you have to be away from this relationship...the good feelings are just a fantasy you're never going to get that kind of relationship from him' etc etc.
I have told him I don't want him to bring his washing back here anymore & he has to do his washing at his Mum's where he is living because it makes me too sad to see his washing. And it's actually great now, there is so much less washing to do hooorraaayy !! grin
I also told him he has to be consistent with coming round to see DD. We agree mornings or afternoons at the start of the week and stick to it. He has also said he'll babysit for me if I want to go out which is nice. I told him when we move into our new house that DD can't stay overnight with him regularly yet as it's too disruptive and she's too young. He agreed. But she can have her travel cot there and nap here in her old bedroom. She will feel comfortable there as it will be familar so she will sleep ok I hope.

Me and DD are moving to different house not him as he owns this house...and I don't want to stay here without him because it's 'his' house all over if you know what I mean. I don't want the memories from here I want my own place and a clean slate but we are moving 10 min walk down the road. We are hopefully moving on 30th Sept if everything goes through....Seems like ages still though ! Arg ! sad

The weekends we have been playing by ear a bit but I have told him I need more space from him and it's hurting me to see him all the time and it's hard to move on. He gets it. We have one more therapy session to kind of discuss what we're going to do whilst separated...in a few weeks time, to talk about how we're getting on living apart and talk about what we're going to do re: access. We haven't quite agreed maintenance but he said he will pay for whatever the housing benefit won't cover as he wants us to be close to him and he knows that otherwise I can't afford to live in this area of London unless he helps. Don't know if he will also pay maintenance on top of that ? I think he will give whatever he can afford because he wants us to be ok & not be struggling.

Then after we finish our therapy, he is hopefully starting group therapy on his own. He has mental health issues and I have told him he needs to get them under control otherwise his access to DD will stop completely. I'm not sure he's fully understood this so will reiterate at therapy (he got very defensive when I mentioned this before) and if he doesn't get it, then we will try mediation I think as therapy is bloody expensive !

Some days I wake up/go to sleep so, so sad...especially sleeping in 'our' bed without him and I feel like I'm just in the graveyard of our relationship and all my dreams of us being a family and all the hope is just shattered...I feel so low. I can hardly even think about when DD was a newborn and we were hopeful, excited new parents...It makes me too sad to think of that first night we brought her home...and now to see what has happened in a year. It makes me so sad to think my DD will never see her parents being in love and loving and affectionate towards each other as that was what my childhood was like...my parents were together but there was no love or affection shown. I wanted us to be great, to be a team, to be this loving family..but it's all gone. But I think it's better that she doesn't see what our relationship was becoming/had become...toxic, resentful, full of anger, blame and disrespect...not able to say 2 words to each other without it turning into a huge argument... That all seems like a nightmare now though that he's suddenly turned into Mr. Nice Guy...me leaving him has brought him back down to earth and I think he's now trying to show me that he's not the bastard that I think he is. Playing the 'best dad in the world' card now that it is all over and he sees what he's losing. Hmm. Such a hard time at the moment and feels so surreal and weird. sad

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