Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Don't really know how to deal with my mother.(28 Posts)
I'm early 20s and I still live at home. I will get this out the way and say- no, I don't pay rent. Or bills and I get my groceries, toiletries etc paid for. They also pay my car insurance and brought me my car- I'm incredibly grateful and I have every intention of giving them some money back when I have a job that enables me to do so.
Anyway- the problems.
My mother is very controlling of my life. She insist on knowing where I am going all of the time- and if I don't tell her; well- I either get the second degree, or the cold shoulder for the rest of the day/evening. She knows I'm sensible- I don't do drugs, I've never committed a crime (apart from taking the odd £5 from my dad's pot- not nice I know, but I've only done it if I'm desperate and try to put it back when I can). Usually if I'm going out- I'm popping to see a friend (I never drink and drive), going out with friends or running to the bank- or, when I had a job, I was going to work. I try to pay for as many personal things as I can myself- but if I'm short and desperate for something; I get a barrage of abuse for asking and then if they lend me some money I'm practically marched to the ATM to get them the money when I have it.
I'm constantly a disappointment to her- failed most of my GCSEs due to being badly bullied/insufficient support due to my disability, she doesn't like the fact I was working in a shop and she refused to acknowledge my mental illness and told me it was "very boring" and "I needed to snap out of it".
I'm very jealous of the relationship she has with my brother- he is treated completely differently. He moved out at 17, has always been given the freedom to do what he wants without question. Like me- he was brought a car when he passed his test and his insurance was paid for. He got a large allowance when he was going to university- I completely understand he had rent etc to pay for which I don't- but he was able to go on foreign holidays, run a car while at university, buy designer clothes and would only ever need to pick up the phone to ask for more money- Macbook needed replacing, parking tickets needed paying for, wanted to buy his girlfriend a Chanel handbag for her 21st (you can google the cost) and parents paid for it. He would say he had no money- and then the next week he would come home to visit and be wearing a new pair of designer jeans or would have a new gadget of some sort. He is the complete opposite of me- did very well in his exams, went to university and has a good job that one day will make him a lot of money. He still calls expecting hand outs now- and gets them.
My mum does have a drinking problem- if you buy her one bottle of wine, she will drink it. 2? She will drink them. 3? Well, you get the picture. And I'm not talking over a period of days- I'm talking in one night. She will think nothing of sitting there every night drinking a bottle of wine by herself or more if she has it. This is usually at least four nights a week.
She is very bad tempered- if she is angry with someone/something, she's angry with me as well. Yesterday she came home from somewhere and flipped her lid because I had left the rubbish by the door- ignoring the fact I had hoovered the house, cleaned the bathrooms and cleaned the kitchen. It's like I can do no right.
She relies on me to do everything- even when I was sometimes out the house for 12 hours a day she would expect me to do the housework and cook tea. She is retired and only goes out for lunches etc but apparently she always more tired than I am
when really she is too busy getting pissed
I get I have to pull my weight- really and truly do appreciate the not paying rent etc but if I ask if I can sit down for five minutes after being on my feet all day, I get attacked.
I'm not working at the moment- and I agreed with my mum some jobs I could do for money, did some of them with promise of payment when done- which I didn't receive until I asked for it, got lots of verbal abuse. Did some more, didn't pay me for it again- so said I wasn't willing to keep up my end of the bargain if she wasn't willing to keep up hers. More verbal abuse.
When my brother is home, she lets him get involved too and have a go at me. In the past I've recieved pretty vile text messages from him when she's rung him complaining about something trivial. He won't let me come on visits to see him, because apparently I'm an "embarrassment"
My Dad lives here too but refuses to get involved, he's a bit spineless really. He runs off and hides in another room, goes to the gym and his favourite- doesn't come home from work until 8pm so he can avoid it.
I guess I just needed to vent and ask if people think I'm overreacting.
You're not overreacting. And you REALLY need to move out. It sounds awful at the moment, but most of these problems sound like they'd be resolved if you weren't subjected to them 24/7.
You need to move out. No excuses, you need to work out how you will do it and then do it, ASAP!
You could be talking about my mother here and my relationship with my family. My heart goes out to you, I know how horrendous it is dealing with a mother who is never satisfied, relentlessly critical and constantly finds a pretext to give you the cold shoulder.
Although I did get good grades & went to university, I came back to live at home for my law degree. My mother exhibited very smililar behaviour and the same incessant favouritism towards my brother (who also treated me like shite and told me I embarrassed him). But I didn't receive car etc that was lavished on him.
Initially I move out hoping some space might make things better. It didn't and eventually I went NC. My advice to you would be to move out and stay on friends floors if necessary. Get yourself some space and perspective.
She is bullying you.
Taking a live in job may be a way of you escaping.
I don't see how you will ever get enough money together to move out and be independant unless you get a live in job.
Have a look at the ads in The Lady magazine.
She sounds like my mum.
The only way you can rectify this is to move out or at the very least get a job and start contributing to rent / household bills and buying groceries so she doesn't see you so much as a child but more as an adult paying their way.
Do you sign on / get any benefits? If not I would sort that right away and use the job centre staff to help you. If it's health reasons you aren't working then make sure you are receiving benefits for that. You need some independence.
You need to work on your confidence so you can gradually cut down your reliance on them. Your mother is controlling you with money and martyring it over you.
Start with a clean slate op, you cant move out right away as you have no job and no income, so make this your first priority. I suggest you adopt the mind set that you are responsible for your own life, your mother is not going to give you the things you need for an independent life, you need to seek those out yourself. If training is an issue, look into some courses, have a look at re taking some gcses at a local college or similar, anything that will empower you a bit more.
Cutting her control over you will be a gradual thing, but set yourself small goals toward living independently every week and accomplish them, in time you will see your confidence grow.
What kind of work are you looking for? You really need to move out and be independent of them. I can understand that it is difficult for you at the moment, but having a grown-up child living at home and making no financial contribution is probably difficult for them too.
You're young and although you mention a disability, you have obviously worked at some point, so you should be able to find work now. Get yourself a job and then make moving out a priority.
Are you actively looking for work? Have you considered a live in job? Au Pair or something? Do you sign on?
I really feel for you OP - I had a similar relationship with my mother when I was in my early twenties. It's an awful situation to be in, but I have to agree with previous posters - you really must work towards moving out as soon as possible. My mother and I now get on very well now I'm settled with my own family in my own home, but when we lived together we were constantly at each other's throats. My mum really wanted her home back and wanted me to be more independent - she was frustrated by the thought that she had to share her space with another adult who did things very differently from her. Perhaps your mum feels she's raised her children, now wants to enjoy her retirement and have more time to herself and to spend with your dad. That's the way my mum explained it to me, anyway!
Sell the car and use the money for a deposit and first month's rent. Find someone who's looking for a lodger. Sign on and claim LHA until you get a job.
What you really, REALLY need to do is get the hell out of there and make a life for yourself, by yourself. Until you do that you will suffer more and more of the same crap until there's little left of you.
You are living in your mum's house and they are supporting you, feeding you etc. if she asks you where you're going, why don't you tell her? Why wouldn't you just say where you are going? It's not very friendly or civilised. You want the privilege of an adult independence. Fine, that's just as it should be. So why are you living at home, asking to borrow money for items (yet still able to go out to wherever you're going), nicking money from your dad's pot and only sometimes paying it back? If you want to be treated with respect and like an adult you need to behave like an adult and get your own adult life underway.
Your mum sounds like mine...controlling and just unpleasant to be around. I was at uni for 8 years (undergrad bachelors followed by professional degree for 5 years), for my bachelors I lived away from home but for the last 5 years I moved back home due to finances. Even then I paid her rent etc but that was never good enough for her. She would have a go at me about all sorts even when it clearly was not my fault.
Eventually I qualified and married my then boyfriend last year and moved out. It was the best decision I could have ever made, because her behaviour was having a serious negative effect on my mental health.
Mothers like these do not see their short comings and do not think they are unreasonable. The only way you will get out of this is by moving out and standing on your own feet. As the others have said, start getting the ball rolling with a job/deposit and leave. I think once you do, you will look back and think 'why did I put up with that for so long?!'
I have adult dcs, one of whom has just finished uni and is not employed yet, but working towards it. She is most welcome to be here and I am happy to support her in the meantime, but I wouldn't be financing a car for her, and she wouldn't dream of not telling me where she was going if I asked her.
But, I also have a dreadful nasty mother so it's not that I don't understand what being on the other end of that feels like as a daughter, I do. But I certainly didn't live with her when I was in my twenties. You need to get independent and pay for your own car, own home, own life. Then you can do what you want and no one will have the right to ask you where you're going, or tell you off for not taking your rubbish out.
Fantastic because the op is living rent free, does it mean she is also expected to receive abuse and be shouted at? Does it means it's ok for her to be treated in such a different way than her Db?
Does it mean too that's it ok for her to accept a deal and for her mum to change the deal as she please and then hurl abuse at her?
If the op wasn't the dd but a SAHP, would you say that it's ok for her DP to treat her like this?
And is it also ok to treat her like this when she has some SN/SEN and have some MH problems.
I don't know I would have expected her mother to support her instead....
OP what sort of SEN/SN do you have and how much has it affected you ability to learn/get GCSE?
Unfortunately, the new 'rules' re minimum wage for under 25, council housings and whatever are making it much harder for people like the OP 'to just move out'
FofH - in my second post, I mentioned my own deeply unpleasant mother, so no, obviously I don't think the OP should be abused etc. but that's what her mother is like, so she needs to get her own place and stop relying on her mother. In an ideal world her mother would be loving and kind and supportive, and respectful. But that's not what's on offer. And OP makes herself vulnerable to her mother's poor treatment of her by living in the same house and allowing her parents to pay for her life.
And if it was her partner treating her badly, I'd say the same thing - ie, no it's not acceptable to be abused, move out!
Did some people only read the first sentence?
Unfortunately support for young adults wrt wages, unemployment and housing benefits, and unhappy home circumstances have been cut right back by this lovely govt.
If a DH was shouting at his DW for leaving a bin bag at the door after she'd cleaned several rooms or was at work 12 hours and he still expected her to do all the housework that would not be acceptable even if he did buy her a car.
Also there seems to be a bit of golden child/scapegoat stuff going on.
You say you have a disability? Is it possible there is an organisation that can help. Alternatively maybe just phone women's aid/domestic abuse helpline, council social services or even NSPCC who might be able to refer you to a more suitable agency if they can't advise themselves.
Other than that I agree that finding a job that allows you to move out asap is your best plan. You'll feel so much better once you're out.
And where have I said it's ok for OP to be treated badly???? I didn't.
How old are you?
I'd advise you to move out ASAP but that may not be so easy.
Would your patents be willing to giving you any £££ to go away? Since that is obviously what they want.
If I compare this to domestic abuse it is very similar.
What are you living on atm? Are you claiming jsa?
If you have a disability have you applied for ESA and pip?
If you have a car it does open up more job opps. Can you look for something with a very long commute so at least you are out of the house most of the day.
What is your daily routine like now?
Could you set up your own business?
Are there any college courses you could do?
What kind of work would like? Is there voluntary work you could do to improve your skills? I'd say get a voluntary job anyway- it will get you out of the house, give you some confidence, help you network and it will def look good to employers.
Move out seems the obvious answer?
At least you don't need their permission at your age. I begged my parents (I was under 18) When they eventually allowed this, I didn't get any help. I lived on an unauthorised overdraft until I could get a job to pay my rent. When they visited me they asked if I "was saving". I lied, and said I was, as not to disappoint them.
Join the discussion
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.