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(31 Posts)
wheresthedummy Fri 31-Jul-15 20:54:14

I would really like some advice please to get some perspective on my situation. My husband had a brief affair earlier this year. I was and am still devastated, but we've talked endlessly about why it happened, whether we should try to save our relationship or separate. We have three small children. We decided to see if it is possible to salvage what we have. It has been hard going but we are slowly moving forward.
My husband owns a bar, the other woman was and still is a regular customer. When he ended the affair, she continued to come to the bar regularly. He told her that we were making a go of our marriage and asked her to stop coming. It's a small bar, she comes on her own (although is now friendly with other 'locals'). She refuses to stop going as she wants to see her 'friends'. She has at times pleaded with him to let her continue. She has at other times told him she will stop coming and leave him alone. I have even asked her (via email) to give us our space in order to move on from the affair. We've both been compassionate and non confrontational. Still she turns up and it is really starting to come between us. My husband has even employed a bar manager so that he doesn't have to be there anymore, but still she turns up.
He has been an absolute shit, but he is trying to make things better. I feel this woman is still coming between us and it is driving me potty. I do believe it's intended to goad us. I appreciate she has been hurt too, but feel she has to accept responsibility for her part in all of this.How do we move on?

nequidnimis Fri 31-Jul-15 21:24:32

It's his bar, he can ban whoever he wants can't he?

Although it's possible he doesn't want to upset her, or have customers asking why he has done it.

Maybe the best course of action would be for him to completely ignore her. If she's trying to goad him she will be disappointed that it's not working, and if she's secretly hoping that he'll change his mind, she'll get the message that he won't and that she's wasting her time.

Tryharder Fri 31-Jul-15 21:46:36

She's smarting and wants a reaction. And she's got one!

Ignore. Treat her like any random customer. She'll get bored.

sensiblesometimes Fri 31-Jul-15 21:58:56

She desperate for the affair to begin again trying every strategy ...I guess you and hubby have to stay strong and wait for her to get the message ...maybe others have better advice .
Could you get babysitter go and sit at the bar yourself (take a friend) chat to the locals and her charm her out of the place
make your presence known to everyone not just her.
And hopefully embarrass her .
Sad sorry woman

ElizabethSpenser Fri 31-Jul-15 22:42:44

Oh heck. A similar thing happened to me. My exH had an affair with a customer in the pub. We tried to make a go of it on the understanding that he never sees her again. She knew the conditions as I had a very frank and earnest conversation with her. I seem to recall using the words " stay the fuck away from my husband, my kids and my home"
6 months later the cow was back in flicking her hair and pursing her lips at him. My exH never told me, I found out though. I asked him why he didn't discreetly take her aside and ask her to leave. He thought I wouldn't mind as I should be well over it by now. I was so over it I divorced the bastard.
He never went back to her and 15 years later still wants to get back with me. I told him to fuck off as well.
My advice? Tell him to ban her or its over.

sensiblesometimes Fri 31-Jul-15 22:53:47

Silly men aren't they ?

QuiteLikely5 Fri 31-Jul-15 22:57:55

Bar her. End of.

WorraLiberty Fri 31-Jul-15 22:58:11

If he's employed a bar manager so he doesn't have to be there any more, does it matter?

He's not going to have any contact with her if he's not there.

ollieplimsoles Fri 31-Jul-15 23:01:59

Get tough op, you cant have this woman sniffing around. Its your business and your marriage.
I understand your husband may not want people to know why she is barred, but thats the punishment for conducting an affair with her to be honest, these things can get a bit messy for reputations.

There is no way she would be coming into my place of work after this, even if it was a public place. She wants to get to you and so far its working, so drop the nice act, stop 'asking' and 'reasoning' with her. She stays the fuck away from your husband, your property, your family.

SelfLoathing Fri 31-Jul-15 23:16:53

I thinking banning her is a bad idea for a whole pile of reasons. You don't know if she still has any emotional feelings for him and if she does, this could provoke an adverse reaction.

Beyond that, there is no legitimate ground to ban her from a public bar - so if she was feeling bloody minded, she could choose to challenge it on the grounds it is discriminatory and irrational - sex and/or or sexual orientation and against anti-discrimination laws which prohibit discrimination in the provision of goods and services. If she is still emotionally involved and v. pissed off, it doesn't matter whether such a challenge would fail - the PR around it and associated reasons could be a media nightmare and adverse publicity for you and your family.

I agree with the ignore it approach. Most people visiting bars tend to go at particular times and have a pattern. The bar manager should track it and your husband avoid being there when she's there. Eventually, she'll give up.

WorraLiberty Fri 31-Jul-15 23:25:32

She wants to get to you and so far its working, so drop the nice act, stop 'asking' and 'reasoning' with her. She stays the fuck away from your husband, your property, your family.

How do you know she wants to 'get to' the OP though?

The woman is a regular customer. This is where she socialises and where her friends do too.

For all anyone knows she might have gone right off the OP's husband.

But even if she hasn't, the OP's husband has chosen his marriage over the affair so what does it matter where she drinks?

He's either going to give his marriage a go or he isn't. Mind you, I still don't understand the problem if he's employed a manager so he doesn't have to be there himself?

ElizabethSpenser Sat 01-Aug-15 00:34:27

If this is in the UK, you can bar someone for being ugly, having two arms or supporting the wrong act on XFactor.
Not for race, religion etc

wheresthedummy Sat 01-Aug-15 00:37:56

Thanks I appreciate all of your responses. He has barred her but she still turns up and he's not about to have her removed.

Self loathing - you're right, I do worry that she'll shout harassment if we tried to enforce a ban. She obviously feels wronged.

Worra - there is definitely an element of my nose being put out of joint by her continuing to go there even though he is no longer there and it shouldn't really bother me. I think it's the fact that we're still picking up the pieces of a very painful event whereas she's carrying on as normal without consequence. Maybe I just need to let it go.

Tryharder Sat 01-Aug-15 07:53:04

She's not carrying on 'as normal' is she?

She's lost a man whom she might well have loved and who probably gave her a load of spiel about your marriage was all in name only, separate beds, waiting for kids to grow up etc..

She probably feels humiliated and betrayed just as you feel humiliated and betrayed.

I understand that you hate her but let's not do the usual MN thing where DH is forgiven and the OW is vilified.

Ignore her. If she genuinely has friends in the bar, let her meet them there. Unless the bar is tiny, there is no reason why your DH even has to see her. If she's only there to provoke a reaction, don't give her one.

Tryharder Sat 01-Aug-15 07:54:42

And why should she face 'consequences'?

What do you suggest? Tarring and feathering? Being paraded naked through the streets with a 'slut' sign?

What consequences is your DH facing?

TiredOfPeople Sat 01-Aug-15 09:56:30

A lot of OW are like this. Sad and desperate to be "loved" and wanted. I don't think she's going to leave any time soon, unless he bars her. It's down to your husband to sort this out, for both your sakes.

TiredOfPeople Sat 01-Aug-15 09:57:36

Just read that you said he's already barred her. Why is she allowed in then?

SelfLoathing Sat 01-Aug-15 11:31:30

If this is in the UK, you can bar someone for being ugly, having two arms or supporting the wrong act on XFactor.
Not for race, religion etc

Try reading what I wrote.

It risks allegations of discrimination - whether they are correct or not doesn't stop her alleging that it discriminatory. And a little local media scrum of "man bans former mistress from his bar".

nequidnimis Sat 01-Aug-15 15:14:25

She might well feel humiliated and betrayed, who knows, but that's the price you risk paying when you choose to shag a married man.

At the very least, once you eventually realise he lied to you, you muster what dignity you can still manage and back off - out of respect for yourself, and for his wife. This is even more true in this case, when the wife has asked you not come to that particular bar.

There can really only be two reasons why she keeps coming back - to show him what he's missing or to infuriate both of you. Don't give her the satisfaction.

QuiteLikely5 Sat 01-Aug-15 15:21:38

Tell the manager to ask her to leave every time she comes in. It shouldn't be hard given the nature of the job.

JeanSeberg Sat 01-Aug-15 15:33:01

If your husband doesn't work there because of the duty manager and you don't drink there, what's the problem?

ollieplimsoles Sat 01-Aug-15 15:37:01

I agree with nequid

She has been asked to not to come back to the pub, she keeps coming back in.

She's trying to show she wont be beaten by him and making him pay for going back to his wife. 'you cant get rid of me that easily' type thing

sensiblesometimes Sat 01-Aug-15 15:43:56

Has hubby truly made it clear to her that it's over

SoupDragon Sat 01-Aug-15 15:45:47

And why should she face 'consequences'?

Because she's been a bitch.

I imagine the DH (who has been a wanker) is facing consequences as he and the OP try to salvage their marriage.

WorraLiberty Sat 01-Aug-15 15:45:50

There can really only be two reasons why she keeps coming back - to show him what he's missing or to infuriate both of you. Don't give her the satisfaction.

Third reason - It's her local where she and her friends hang out. If they're all going to be in there, where else is she supposed to go?

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