Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

unsupportive Husband?

(30 Posts)
tooneedyme Fri 31-Jul-15 17:22:22

Background - I have a 3 year old and newborn. Newborn has reflux, toddler is very active and together its full on. Dh has chronic back pain and it feels like a 3rd child with more emotional baggage. He does nothing in the house to help other than look after the finances and play with our toddler. I have a history of depression and anxiety and am feeling low.

Problem - I feel totally unsupported by dh who in my eyes is doing too little to help whilst Iam struggling physically and mentally day to day managing a home, 2 children and a dog. I have asked him to help where he can but I get the pain excuse, not much response or no response and doesn't do it anyway, or I get accused of nagging. He pays me so little attention and despite me bringing this up time and time again nothing has changed. I made a suggestion a while back that asking me if I needed anything whilst I was feeding the baby, like a cup of tea, would make me feel like he cared but he hasn't once taken me up on that. He lies in bed alot to rest, often gets up late so is home from work late and has phoned today to say he will be late home again as is going out with the guys from work for a meal even though I said I thought it would be better for him to come home.

I don't feel my needs are being met but as I am feeling low and my situation is tough with an unhappy refluxy baby I don't know how much of it is my mood rather than what I am blaming it on, his lack of support. A friend I confided in said he should "man up" and accept his responsibilities. I feel so emotionally insecure that anytime I question his behaviour he manages to turn it around to being my issue.

Iam scared that my children grow up to think it's ok for a relationship to be like this with Mummy running around after Daddy and lots of conflict. He sometimes totally ignores our toddler and when I asked him not to the other day he told me "anything you ask me to do Iam just going to do the opposite."

I don't really know my question here but does anyone have any thoughts, experience or advice?

bumblebee1234 Fri 31-Jul-15 20:57:31

I bet your wandering why you had another with him. Maybe he truly doesn't understand how you are feeling, men have a cunning way of flipping it back to you making you feel guilty. I have a five month old and I haven't spoken to him for five days. He gets his dinner and any snacks he wants but I'm not talking to him not after he called me fat in an argument. Not interrested he thinks turturing me but he's not I'm enjoying the peace.

bumblebee1234 Fri 31-Jul-15 20:59:48

I was meant to say I have a five month old and I haven't spoken to my partner for 5 days. Sorry about my grammer.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain Fri 31-Jul-15 21:02:53

So he can't help you because of the pain but he's well enough to go for a meal? How convenient!

He's not doing things because he doesn't want to.

tooneedyme Fri 31-Jul-15 21:46:32

bumblebee1234 we had to go through fertility treatment to have our children. They are both miracle babies and it took so much worry and stress to have them. I deserve to be happy now.

bumblebee1234 Sat 01-Aug-15 13:04:07

You do deserve to be happy its just that men have there own way of dealing with it. Try and get out the house more that will help and try not to stress to much on what you are struggling with. Tell him u will give the dog away because you can't do it all by yourself. See how he responds to u then.

pocketsaviour Sat 01-Aug-15 14:01:00

when I asked him not to the other day he told me "anything you ask me to do Iam just going to do the opposite."

How mature hmm

Has he been like this for a long time, or have things got worst since the youngest came along?

Are you on mat leave are are you SAHM? Is it possible to get your 3rd old into nursery for some hours every week just to give you some breathing space, which might help you sort your head out on what you want here - whether to make a go of the marriage or to cut your losses and walk away.

paxtecum Sat 01-Aug-15 14:08:43

Can you rehome the dog?

Did he actually want another baby?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Sat 01-Aug-15 17:12:55

What is it you need from this thread? Confirmation that he is an arse? Advice on how to exit?

RubbishMantra Sat 01-Aug-15 17:35:59

He sounds horrible, I hate that word "nagging", designed to make the person being called a nag guilty they asked somebody to do something. Why isn't there an equivalent name for a person who won't get off their lazy arse without being "nagged"?

I'd suggest couples counselling, but would he be arsed to attend? Or would it just give him another opportunity to accuse you of this "nagging"?

AcrossthePond55 Sat 01-Aug-15 17:45:47

If he isn't supportive of you, stop supporting him. No doing his laundry, no cooking his meals, no picking up after him. I don't care if he's in pain from his back, he can deal with himself. NOTHING. Use that time for yourself.

As much as I love my dog, perhaps rehoming to a loving family would be a good idea. You have enough to deal with AND if when the time comes that you leave him you'll find it easier if you don't have a pet.

Do you have any relatives or friends in RL who can support you?

BTW, you say he handles the finances. Please be sure you know the household incomings and outgoings, savings and outstanding credit debt. Where all accounts are and online passwords. I have a feeling you are going to need that information at some point.

bumblebee1234 Sat 01-Aug-15 18:18:32

If you are feeling depressed and anxious go and see your doctor. I wouldn't suffer in silence. Do you live near family. I am on baby no 4 if it weren't for my oldest daughter's I would have probably crumbled. Don't worry about what you can't do if it piles up so what. If he wants it clean he will clean it himself becaause he will see that you are struggling. He doesn't want to go to work smelly now does hesmile

Bubblesinthesummer Sat 01-Aug-15 18:25:18

I would suggest that if you are suffering depression you go to tge drs.

Bubblesinthesummer Sat 01-Aug-15 18:35:18

Sorry pressed too soon.....

And see if they can help you.

If your DH does have chronic back pain I suggest he goes too. Chronic back pain can be debilitating too.

tooneedyme Sat 01-Aug-15 18:42:22

Thank you everyone. I have been to the Dr. She reckons my home life needs addressing when I am in a better head space. Leaving him to get on with it is one thing but living amongst his mess another. He pocks nothing up and in the past has made things really difficult for me when I stop doing things. ( his dishes piling up, dirty clothes around,getting takeaway etc). As for the dog she is the family pet and much loved but I have considered re homing. What do I want from this thread? Maybe opinion on what I should be expecting him to do? He has always been lazyvaround the home and not the most attentive to me but at times that suited me as my mental health issues were not being challenged.

unpackyoursuitcase Sat 01-Aug-15 19:01:44

I could write this exact same post. It's hard isn't it? MY dh works 12 hour nights. He now does 4 on 4 off, I have gone back to part time supply. So i am working more than before and he is home more. Yet I still do nearly all housework, cooking and deal with our 5 yr old. We have serious chats often where I say I need some more help with everything. It s the fact that he gets a lot of down time and would like some me time. Good luck
Xx

RubbishMantra Sat 01-Aug-15 19:27:00

So as well as caring for 2 tiny children, you're also struggling with anxiety and depression, and he refuses to do his share of the chores? What an utterly selfish arse man. Does he imagine the magic Cleaning Fairy whisks away any dirty clothes, dishes and empty take-away containers?

Are you able to take any steps to get into a better headspace? What could they be, counselling perhaps? From what you say, he's not going to help you get there. And I agree with Across re. your finances. Please do ensure you know what's going on with them.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 01-Aug-15 19:38:52

He accuses you of nagging to get you to shut the fuck up.

I have a feeling that you wouldn't be feeling quite so low if you kicked him to the kerb.

You're not super-woman and he's a selfish, lazy arsehole.

Tell him that he needs to do his proper share or he'll have to sling his hook. And mean it.

Running a home on your own will mean one third less shit to shovel.

AcrossthePond55 Sat 01-Aug-15 19:44:35

I'd take his damn dirty dishes, clothes, and takeaway boxes and start piling them up in a corner. I'd take enough clean dishware and cutlery for myself and the children and stash them away. Seriously, I would. I'm a right bitch when it comes to family taking the piss, be it husbands or children. But that's what I'd do, not you. You have to follow your own path.

I'd say I've always done more of our household chores than DH, but he does more outside so I guess it evens out. But I do expect him to clean up after himself even if he doesn't do it to my standards. He'll wash his dishes but put them on a towel on the drainboard rather than drying and putting them away. I can deal with that. He'll pile his dirty clothes in the laundry room. I can deal with that, too, since it's out of the way.

I think your doctor is wrong. Your home life certainly affects your mental state. But you do have to help yourself first. Have you considered counseling or perhaps medication? I think you need to become more assertive, but that will be hard when you are feeling so down.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sat 01-Aug-15 19:48:16

He sometimes totally ignores our toddler and when I asked him not to the other day he told me "anything you ask me to do Iam just going to do the opposite."

Doesn't this pretty much tell you everything you need to know? hmm

AcrossthePond55 Sat 01-Aug-15 19:57:58

And as far as being appreciated I was going to say that DH and I really don't do that much, now that I think about it, it is just small things, isn't it? DH will always pour my coffee before his and I do the same for him. Silly that something so small means so much to us, but it does. If your DH can't do something that small for you, it speaks volumes about him and his attitude towards you, his wife.

Please, please reach out to someone in RL. A friend, a relative, clergy, a counselor. You are in a bad situation and you do need to begin to find your way out of it.

tooneedyme Sat 01-Aug-15 20:43:25

I have reached out yo my Mum but no one can really guide me. He has been better today I think because he was out later than he promised last night and asked this morning if we could be nice to each other. I don't know how to show/explain to him what I need from him without him going on the defence or accusing me of nagging or not doing it because I asked. I love him. My Son adores him. I am grieving for happier times.

bumblebee1234 Sat 01-Aug-15 21:29:37

Have you read men are from mars women are from Venus. Give that a good scan when you have time it might help. Don't be so hard on your self looking after a baby isn't easy. Has your husband concidered seeing an oesteopath for his back they are very good.

tooneedyme Sat 01-Aug-15 21:53:36

He is under a new consultant privately having undergone back surgery two years ago and it not fixing things. He has an appointment this week. Fingers crossed for some clarity.

alicemalice Sat 01-Aug-15 21:56:56

Oh please don't read Men are from Mars... it's a pile of sexist nonsense and will only justify him.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now