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DH left me 6 weeks ago... Now wanting me back but I fear I've moved on :(

(149 Posts)
dreamingofmynextsleep Fri 31-Jul-15 17:06:48

Afternoon.. I feel right now I have no idea where to turn. I need some anonymous advice sad

I've been with my husband for 6 years, married for 1.
He has always been the life and sole of a party until the last few years. He has slowly fallen into a depression.
Since October last year, he has been horrendous. I've had to walk on eggshells, wake daily not knowing what he was in, deal with the looks and the comments that, granted some days he didn't realise he had even made, but still they were cutting.
Sexually, I have always been highly sexed - 2/3 times a day is good for me whereas he is more like that a month. I never really took much notice and thought all would be ok.. But I've never orgasmed with him. Ever. He was always a little selfish as a lover - he would never willingly reciprocate. I always had to ask.
Since his depression has become terrible.. It's almost like I've had to guilt trip him into sleeping with me.. Which is the most degrading thing ever.

I feel like I lost who I was. I had to dampen who I was to support him. I haven't felt like a woman in a long time and I feel super unattractive sad

6 weeks ago I came home to a letter asking me to leave. He stated he couldn't make me happy and that I needed to find someone who could. So basically, thanks for a lovely 6 years, but you need to leave.
I was heartbroken. He didn't want to see me or speak to me, he wanted me completely gone. This was so incredibly painful after 9 months of supporting him through some really awful times..
I struggled for a few weeks.. But gradually started sorting my head out. I went away for a weekend on my own, bought myself a brand new car, changed my hair and have lost half a stone.. I've also had attention from other guys which has perked me up a lot and made me feel better.
A week ago I got back in contact with an old school friend who does acupuncture - I suffer with a chronic long term illness and so asked him about acupuncture.. He said he could try it with me if I wanted. So I said yes and we met up.
The chemistry was electric. As soon as the door opened, you could practically see it between us. When he massaged me, I've never felt anything like it.. But we both agreed it wasn't ok to do anything. Although we both wanted to.

So now, my husband has come back to me saying he has made a huge mistake and adores me, I'm the only one there has ever been... But I feel like I'm finally finding myself again. I feel like I'm getting my spark back.
I also, selfishly want to pursue something with this guy. If only once, I want to feel alive. I want to feel wanted.
But my husband is saying I have to stay faithful, even if this takes months and months and months to sort out which it most likely will... I feel like I'm stifled sad

I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know where my head is at and I'm struggling sad

magoria Fri 31-Jul-15 17:11:00

Sexually, I have always been highly sexed - 2/3 times a day is good for me whereas he is more like that a month. I never really took much notice and thought all would be ok.. But I've never orgasmed with him. Ever. He was always a little selfish as a lover - he would never willingly reciprocate. I always had to ask.

Life is too short if he is not going to address his selfish behaviour in bed which pre exists his depression.

He has had years to address this why waste months and months more?

Move on.

LaurieFairyCake Fri 31-Jul-15 17:12:18

You do not have to stay with someone who has fallen into depression so badly he has been horrible to you for an entire year.

His depression does not excuse the way he has treated you.

LazyLouLou Fri 31-Jul-15 17:12:43


Now, re-read your thread. Can you see it? You and your DH just aren't good match, he doesn't fulfil you.

Forget the old friend, he is utterly immaterial. Nothing else matters other than: if you don't feel fulfilled in a relationship you have every right to leave it.

You have no need to go back to a situation where you feel stifled or sparkless.

You do not need to do anything for your husband. Anything he needs he can do for himself.

If you feel that being on your own is best for you then tell your husband that he has made his bed...

Good luck.

sonjadog Fri 31-Jul-15 17:16:48

Your husband doesn't get to decide what you do as you are not together any more. So his "decision" that you have to be faithful is irrelevant to what you actually do.

Sounds like this relationship was not good for you even before the last nine months. That you feel better so quickly sounds to me like it was time and then some for it to be over.

If I were you, I'd say no thanks to your husband and continue with your single life, including dating whoever you please.

Cynara Fri 31-Jul-15 17:19:11

This is your chance to move on. If you don't take it now, you'll be dragged back into the situation you were in before and tbh it sounds like it will end again anyway, because if nothing else there is a massive mismatch in your sexual expectations.

Get out, stay out, move forwards. He made the decision, you don't owe him another chance.

dreamingofmynextsleep Fri 31-Jul-15 17:20:40

Thing is.. He isn't a bad person. He would never have done what he did to me knowingly. And now he has been on anti depressants for 6 weeks his mind is clearer.
But that still doesn't stop the damage the last year has caused me.. And I don't feel strong enough to reconcile right now.
And I say to him, I need to find who i am and my own strength before I can do this again.. But he expects me to be completely faithful to him.. Which in some ways I understand but at the same time.. I respected that he wanted out 6 weeks ago, I did all that he asked. But he now won't respect that I need time away from all of this too.
I wasn't happy. But I wasn't aware how unhappy I was sad

Sexually, at first it was great.. But, it has over years become less exciting which I know happens. But you'd also think that after 6 years of being with someone, you'd work out what makes them tick enough to orgasm at least? I don't know... My parents feel I put too much emphasis on sex - which maybe I do, but Im a woman, a sexual woman with a high high drive and I deserve to feel like one! sad

AnyFucker Fri 31-Jul-15 17:23:05

give your husband a letter

put 2 simple words in it




then get on with rest of your life

dreamingofmynextsleep Fri 31-Jul-15 17:24:00

He also maintains that when he asked me to move out he never said our marriage was over.. But at the same time, refusing to speak to me or see me whilst telling me to find someone else that makes me happy doesn't sound like that person wants you anymore?? You know??

I just felt like I had to move on.. So I picked myself up. And now I feel like I've got a rod in my back.

Part of me wants to go our separate ways and come back in 3 months. Reevaluate. He says I won't want him anymore after those 3 months. It's just devastating to see him so so broken by it but I feel like his actions and his decisions have pushed me to this... And then I feel like a callous bitch because he says "the old you would never have done this to me"...

sonjadog Fri 31-Jul-15 17:24:49

I think you should tell him what you wrote in that post above about him needing to respect what you want. Do you want to go back to him? Do you think you ever will want to? If you don't, then you can move on with your life in what ever direction you choose, without him laying restrictions on it.

sonjadog Fri 31-Jul-15 17:27:45

He wants to control you, doesn't he? He doesn't really care about you. It is all him. He wanted you gone, he didn't want communication - didn't care what you wanted. Now he wants you back, he wants to decide what happens with your marriage, he wants to decide what you do with your life - never mind what you want.

dreamingofmynextsleep Fri 31-Jul-15 17:28:57

He says he does respect how I feel but I've got be faithful. But part of me finding myself is to go out and flirt with other people you know?
I feel I need that right now.. I need to feel attractive.
If he was the person I was with a few years ago, yes... But so much has changed. He isn't that person remotely anymore. He is bitter and angry and so lost in a depression that I don't think he will emerge for a while. And I don't think it's fair for him to put restrictions on how I love my life whilst he sorts his own hear out, you know?

DrElizabethPlimpton Fri 31-Jul-15 17:31:25

What AF said.

Your H will do this again and again. If you go back to him you will be on tenterhooks.

You are having a good life without him and the fact you have achieved this in such a short time is very telling!

sonjadog Fri 31-Jul-15 17:32:58

What's he going to do if you disobey his command to be faithful? End the marriage? He already has. Ignore him.

CognitiveIllusion Fri 31-Jul-15 17:33:21

Seriously, you need to tell your husband that - sadly - it's over. You're unhappy with him.

AspieAndNT Fri 31-Jul-15 17:34:05

I really think that you have been given a second chance at life and that you should seize it. Move forward - don't go backwards.

You weren't compatible from the start and just because your parents say sex isn't important - well - it may not be for THEM - but for you it is, and that is ok to feel like that. Just like for me it is important that my DH enjoys eating out in restaurants because that is what WE enjoy.

He was the one who ended it and he is now trying to back track. Maybe the tablets are helping him but do you really see the next 40 years being with him??? No I didn't think so. Get out now while you and him are still young and can still be happy elsewhere.

Don't feel guilty, don't be pressurized by anyone - do what makes you feel alive again

gamerchick Fri 31-Jul-15 17:34:37

From what I can get from your posts is you want the freedom to fuck who you want with the option of going back to your husband when you're ready?

I can't see any other reason to why you're writing as if you have no choices. If you don't want him back then just tell him that and repeat until he gets it. He doesn't get to call the shots for everything.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Fri 31-Jul-15 17:34:40

In your position, I wouldnt go back. You lost 9 months of yourself to him and have managed to get some you back. Do you want to risk being swallowed again underneath his wants and needs?

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 31-Jul-15 17:35:02

"the old you would never have done this to me"

what about the current him that did that to you?

I would separate. No timescale for re-evaluation. He needs to get better on his own, not leaning on you.

Twodogsandahooch Fri 31-Jul-15 17:36:15

Agree with Aspie - this is your second chance. Don't go back and be miserable again.

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Fri 31-Jul-15 17:39:07

He asked you to leave, was there a very good reason why, if he didn't want to be with you, he didn't leave himself?

It seems to me that it's all about him and what he thinks he might want want at any given time.

He wants you to leave. He wants you back. He says you must be faithful. He managed to get medication for his depression only after you left. What about what you want? Seems he's not just selfish in the bedroom.

I second Anyfucker's 2 word message.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Fri 31-Jul-15 17:40:14

It's the beautiful south song isn't it?

a little time

Whatever happens he doesn't get to dictate what you do anymore. Your life is your choice not his.

magoria Fri 31-Jul-15 17:45:45

I wonder if you hadn't met someone else and got that little spark back in your life if your H would have been happy to let things carry on they way they were.

As long as you were missing him and sad that was fine.

As soon as you show a sign of moving on he doesn't want that.

whatarethose Fri 31-Jul-15 17:48:19

Fuck that, move on. Enjoy your life and this potential new man.

dreamingofmynextsleep Fri 31-Jul-15 17:48:57

The reason he asked me to leave was because he said he couldn't look at what he was doing to me on a daily basis and that's why I needed to find someone else..
And my family have the room for me at home, so I always had somewhere to go, unlike him.

He didn't want to see me for a long time and then after speaking to me Wednesday night I think he realised that I was slowly finding myself again - low and behold he wanted to see me Thursday. Bought me my favourite foods and stuff... But it's funny how that happened as soon as he thought I was getting ready to leave.

I haven't doubted that he loves me in all of this.. But I just don't think with all that has happened in the last 9 months that I'm ready to be back in that place. Because he is still in that place.. He said that I just want to be single and forget him. I don't want to forget him, but I also don't want to forget who I am in the process sad

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