Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

New tactic to stop husband watching porn...enthusiastically watching it too

(29 Posts)
netsuke Fri 31-Jul-15 11:44:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vernazza Fri 31-Jul-15 11:52:16

Sorry but you sound very confused. You keep sending the poor guy VERY mixed messages. If I were him I would have no idea why you are upset. He is not selfish IMHO.

TheStoic Fri 31-Jul-15 11:54:32

How did you show your enthusiasm, OP? And what was his reaction?

RepeatAdNauseum Fri 31-Jul-15 12:01:41

You're trying to have this every which way and I'm not sure that works. But, that aside...

It's not smartphones that are to blame, or the internet. Its your husband. If you tried words and tears and anger, he's well aware that you don't like him watching porn, especially not in bed with you, unless you are both in the mood. He doesn't care. He doesn't respect you enough to do it on his own.

What are you hoping that your enthusiasm will do? I'm guessing you want to make him jealous but you may actually reward him, by being excited and turned on.

Could you both lose porn for a while, so that he can't claim to be confused by you allowing it sometimes and not others? Although you may find that he's unwilling to agree to this, because he doesn't seem to care about what you think, it might be worth a try.

You do need to be careful that you're not making excuses for him. If he thinks you're going to excuse him anyway, that he can blame modern society/his phone, or that you're not going to do anything because you're just sounding off, he has no incentive to stop.

netsuke Fri 31-Jul-15 12:02:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

netsuke Fri 31-Jul-15 12:03:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

netsuke Fri 31-Jul-15 12:09:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum Fri 31-Jul-15 12:09:41

I'm a porn watcher, I say this so you can see my corn verbs for you aren't from an anti porn stance per se.

Please, don't do this.

The only way to be in a relationship is completely open and honest about your thoughts and feelings. You are entitled to them and you are entitled to disagree about things. Please don't mould yourself to his views to make your life more bearable.

Draw your line and stick to it. Don't let him think you're into something when you aren't, he's not a mind reader and however you are feeling now will be multiplied by 1 million if you actively encourage the opposite of what you want. You don't want porn as part of your life and you don't harbour any fantasies of threesomes. How the hell is he to know that it you encourage him in this?

Why do you not feel you have the right to your own beliefs and can't say no?

Please please please stay true to yourself flowers

stevienickstophat Fri 31-Jul-15 12:12:19

I'm a bit like you, and I admit I give off mixed signals.

Sometimes some porn turns me on.

Sometimes it makes me feel inadequate and unattractive.

What I will say is that it's good that your partner wants to share the experience with you and isn't locking himself away wanking himself into a frenzy.

Maybe he should let you take the lead?

Joysmum Fri 31-Jul-15 12:13:17

X post.

It's ok to have mixed feelings, despite the usual views you'll see expressed on here wink

You're allowed to set your boundaries where you know you feel comfortable with no conflict in you emotions. If that means no porn, he can watch porn without you or that you occasionally or always watch it together then any of those scenarios is ok. Tell him and have firm and consistent boundaries so he knows where he stands. smile

gamerchick Fri 31-Jul-15 12:13:46

Man you're really going about this the wrong way. You're going to do your own head in.

Your bloke is not a mind reader, all he's seeing from you is a green light... A confused green light at that.

Frank conversation outside of the bedroom and lines and boundaries put in place. What you're planning is not going to work.

RepeatAdNauseum Fri 31-Jul-15 12:14:29

That isn't what we're saying. Can we help you clarify the boundaries?

It seems like it's all descended into gameplaying and that's not healthy, nothing good will come from this.

Would you like him to stop watching porn on his phone at all, or just when you are around? Would you like to ban it from your bedroom completely unless you are both in the mood? Perhaps having some DVDs or something that you both like (so you don't end up with 2 men/1 women scenarios that do nothing for you?)

They are all valid options, but you need to know where your boundaries are so you can stay within them. Please don't take it as an attack, it wasn't intended as one.

netsuke Fri 31-Jul-15 12:15:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

netsuke Fri 31-Jul-15 12:19:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 Fri 31-Jul-15 12:19:48

Sorry OP, but if he cant leave his porn phone outside of the bed then yes you do really have a problem, especially when you have told him, I'd find it pretty insulting that he needed that in the sheets between us.

He's not weak, he's not under hypnosis, he's doing it because he wants to.

netsuke Fri 31-Jul-15 12:21:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

netsuke Fri 31-Jul-15 12:22:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vernazza Fri 31-Jul-15 12:24:52

OP he doesn't prefer his phone to you and can you honestly fault him when you've been constantly changing horses in mid-stream? Sometimes you like it, sometimes you don't, and now you are confusing the situation further by saying you like something and acting enthusiastically about something that you actually aren't enthusiastic about. shock

Just to set your mind at ease, his fantasy of seeing you pleasured by another guy is a huge fantasy of a lot of men - the whole "hot wife" scene on the internet and in real life is going gangbusters. So it isn't that he doesn't love you and it isn't that he is unusual from a lot of other men. He's not. And if you seem enthusiastic about it, it won't make him jealous - it'll turn him on even more. And then next he'll suggest arranging one in real life....

So, in all kindness and in sincere empathy for your current dilemma, (because I know we can all put ourselves into some very odd places when we are trying to make things work!) I would say a) punishing him by sleeping in the other room is not the solution b) have you thought about maybe getting somewhere quiet by yourself for a couple of days and figuring out your own limits before you confuse the situation further? If you do that you would be able to clearly explain them to him. c) talk to him. You love him, he loves you and once you have figured out your needs and wants and limits, have a sitdown, maybe somewhere neutral outside the house, and just talk it through and come up with some solutions/parameters together.

Jan45 Fri 31-Jul-15 12:29:56

OP, maybe you did give mix signals, you now appear fully confident about not wanting the cell fone in the bed, it's that simple, if he can't now respect that and understand then I think he does have a problem.

I don't think it's because he doesn't find you attractive, tbh, I'd find his behaviour a complete turn off if he refused to stop bring the bloody thing to bed!

TheStoic Fri 31-Jul-15 12:36:12

It has become a habit. He needs to break it. He needs to want to break it.

Ask him which he would prefer to share his bed with - his phone, or his wife. Ultimatum time.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 31-Jul-15 12:41:36

So I just said yes, I've always wanted another man at the same time let's watch more, let's do it in real life yes yes...
His reaction was pleased

I wouldn't be surprised if your dh comes home with a couple of pampas grass plants and half a dozen red light bulbs.

You excuse and minimise his behaviour by saying he's "weak" but, as I see it, you're giving mixed messages to a porn addict and expecting him to comply with your ever-changing boundaries. .

UnsolvedMystery Fri 31-Jul-15 12:55:44

he knows I don't like it in our bed
But he doesn't really. He thought you meant it when you enthusiastically talked about his fantasy.
Be clear about what you don't like and if he gets his phone out when you are in bed, tell him clearly and immediately that you don't like it.

TheMarxistMinx Fri 31-Jul-15 13:10:49

Oh dear, yes you sound confused. I think though you have been very honest. I think a lot of us may have this confusion. What most of us do though is use rational thinking to decide if we go with crude instinct or intellectual argument. Of course many make quite emotive arguments about the harm of the pron industry, and then attempt to find rational arguments against it. In short, we need to make ethical decisions and draw lines in the sand. Less people are willing to admit that something they are repelled by, they are also compelled towards.

I have seem some thoroughly degrading, masochistic, and quite disgusting porn, and despite feeling quite shocked I also had weird curiosity. Despite feeling quite angry about the porn industry and its treatment of women and the cultural effect on relationships/male attitudes towards all women, I still had to admit, yes its a turn on.

At a rational level, I know the harm, at an emotional level I am repelled. So its easy to decide to avoid it. DP had a problem with it for years, his problem was that I refused to have any relationship with him until he decided to ditch porn. On several occasions I found myself checking, horror struck but curious to see what he had seen. I shall never forgive him.

OP, help yourself draw a line in the sand. Go read Gail Dines or Sheila Jeffries, do some research into the way it effects male attitudes and male and female sexuality. Find out about the hundreds of drugged women damaged by this male dominated industry, and imagine yourself being stitched up, made to gag, or vomit, being held down, and being called vile names, just so you can put a few quid on the gas meter.

Joysmum Fri 31-Jul-15 13:22:55

I feel for you OP I really do.

I'm currently having therapy to work out some issues and today's session bought up an inability in me to give s consistent no, I say no then don't again if pushed.

It's hard to keep clear and consistent boundaries when you don't know what they are yourself.

Think about them, about what's definitely acceptable and what the grey areas area. Put your boundaries where the grey areas are and revisit at a later date.

If he brings porn into your bedroom and you don't want this, tell him to take it away and that this is harming your ability to have a fulfilling sex life.

You need to had the division about boundaries in s nine sexual situation, preferably during the day even, and explain how conflicted you feel and how your enjoyment of sex is being affected.

He SHOULD be concerned when you put it like that, rather than being wrapped up in his own 'rights' and turn-ons. If he isn't then you've got big problems of a selfish and inconsiderate partner. Hopefully your partner will appreciate your feelings though and support you in your wish for a confident and fulfilling sex life with as little or as much porn or other behaviors as you feel happy with.

pocketsaviour Fri 31-Jul-15 13:27:05

He was watching something with two men fucking one woman and DH was trying to talk dirty about how he would love that...I was so angry, why would he want that?

Because MMFs are HOT AS FUCK...

That aside, you need to clearly state your position. You told your DH that you didn't want him to watch porn in the bedroom, but then you confused matters by enthusiastically watching "sometimes" with him.

I get the impression your DH is trying to use porn with you as a start to foreplay, not as a replacement for sex with you.

I don't know how things were put before, but I think you need to state very clearly - send an email if it's easier - that you would like it if he stops watching porn on his phone in the bedroom UNLESS YOU INVITE HIM TO by saying, e.g., "Why don't we watch something naughty tonight?"

I also think you should say to him that if he wants to initiate sex, he should just ask you.

Some of your responses here (to PPs and what you've recounted as your responses to him) are incredibly passive-aggressive. "Pretending" to like something, because that will show him that you hate it? Really? come on, if you're old enough to marry, you're old enough to know this won't work and will just make you miserable.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now