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Waiting for dp to move out ~ advice please.

(18 Posts)
Peppasmate Fri 31-Jul-15 09:45:06

Dp knows I'm deeply unhappy. We've had 3 trial separations in the last 7 years. Been together 16 years. 4 dc.

I was planning on telling him calmly that I need him to move out the first week of September. Unfortunately, I totally lost the plot on Tuesday morning & blurted it out.

A lot of the problem is that he's so shut down. We never gave a conversation about anything. I mean nothing!

For example,Our d's lost his place at his current SN school. The LEA have placed him at a totally inappropriate special school but I can't even talk to dp about it. He won't reply in conversation. He sometimes won't even acknowle I'm speaking!

I've had enough & need to step out of this ridiculous & damaging situation for the of the children & I

Now he's acting really shocked. Coming in from work. Not speaking to anyone. Gets straight in the bath. Straight into bed. That sort of thing. I totally appreciate he's upset & worried about what will happen to him. He has plenty of money so he's not worried about money. I offered to go away for a few weeks but he said no.

So do I cope with the time from now til he actually leaves? Any experience or advice? Anything others wish they had/ hadn't done when they were at the point I'm at?

WhatifIdid Fri 31-Jul-15 09:48:14

Why Sept, why not now?

Living together after separation is truly a ring of hell.

I'd say go now, or leave yourself.

RealityCheque Fri 31-Jul-15 09:49:17

Who owns the house? Rented? Etc

goddessofsmallthings Fri 31-Jul-15 10:31:33

He has "plenty of money"? Give him another shock. Tell him you meant the 1st week of August and it might cure his muteness.

Peppasmate Fri 31-Jul-15 12:39:06

Thanks. I mean he has thousands in savings.

The reason i said September is so that he could organise himself propley. Also i shouldn't have blurted it out but his lack of response to our dc school situation just epitomises this whole situation.

House is rented. Everything is in my name. I gave him the option of me going away for few weeks but he said no as he won't take time off work.

I don't want any dramas or unnecessary hurt. Thee are 4 dc in the middle of this. 2 of them with limited understanding.

I'm exhausted so just needed a sounding board as i don't trust my own judgement & have no RL support.

GarminGirl Fri 31-Jul-15 13:21:36

Look for a place for him? Show him the details and just hope he follows it through

19lottie82 Fri 31-Jul-15 13:25:01

It sounds a horrible situation, but I expect you know you can't force him to move out? Is mediation an option?

SerialBox Fri 31-Jul-15 13:29:34

If it's a rented property and it's in your name you could actually force him to move but it's a nasty situation to get into if you think he'd move willingly.

I considered it with my ex but decided that DD and I would be the one's to move.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 31-Jul-15 13:36:33

As the house is in your name and it doesn't appear that you're married, you can force him to move out but, understandably, you'd rather he went of his own volition so as to spare your dc any unpleasantness.

As suggested by GG, look online or in local papers for suitable places for him, give him the details, and reiterate that you expect him to be gone by the beginning of September and sooner if possible because the plain truth is that the longer this unsatisfactory situation continues, the more harmful it will be for the dc to live in a toxic environment where their dps do not communicate with each other in any meaningful sense of the term. .

pocketsaviour Fri 31-Jul-15 13:40:48

Are you in contact with his parents/siblings? Is it worth telling them what's happened and asking them to help him find somewhere?

I think I would probably give him a letter stating what date he would need to be out by, just make it very factual e.g. "This is to confirm as per our conversation of Tue 28th July, I require you to leave this property by 1st September. Please ensure you return your keys to me before leaving."

It must be incredibly frustrating trying to communicate with someone who literally won't talk. So, so childish.

Do you think he will have contact with the DC?

Peppasmate Fri 31-Jul-15 17:23:50

It's really strange reading your replies as when I posted it was more about how to cope with the guilt, practical stuff like dc, gardening & the general getting through it.

I don't think he'll just go & get a flat. He'll hedge his bets & won't waste a penny of his money. I reckon he will rent a room. He only has 1 close friend & he has a large family with a new baby.

His mum passed away a few years ago. He's not close to his dad. He has a sister who I've never met.

I think he will go easily enough. I strongly suspect he won't be overly interested in the dc. The oldest is 14. He finds her very annoying (She's not). The middle two have SN & have very challenging behaviour. The youngest is 2. He's never taken all 4 out.

He works rotating shifts so only off 1 weekend a month. He can go weeks without seeing the dc now.

Due to the lack of RL support & opportunities I have managed to convince myself this is better then nothing.

I know the reality is i will be totally on my own with the dc but that's now preferable to staying with him

goddessofsmallthings Fri 31-Jul-15 18:19:12

It seems to me the reality is that you are already totally on your own with the dc, Peppa, and his absence won't make any material difference to your life except there'll be one less person in your home to cater for.

Look on gumtree or similar for rooms in shared flats/houses, give him a list of suitable places, and keep reiterating that you want him to go by the end of August or sooner.

Peppasmate Fri 31-Jul-15 18:39:51

Yeah I know I'm on my own. sad

Our boys are really complex. The younger has never attended school full time & he's 7. I managed to get everything set up with a great SN school. But then the LEA decided to send him to another cheaper SN school. I couldn't even talk to dp about it as he's no interest or understanding of how the SN education system works.

I texted my d's 1-1, how sad that I couldn't talk to my partner & the father of my dc?

goddessofsmallthings Fri 31-Jul-15 18:48:18

Has he always been unsupportive?

Have you appealed the LEA decision?

Peppasmate Fri 31-Jul-15 20:22:26

He's got worse as the years have gone by.

I haven't appealed as I really don't know what to do. Ds will be out of school. I don't have money to go to a tribunal. The new school is very good but mainly for low functiong children but d's is very high functioning.

I don't have the time until September to go to solicitors etc. Typical LEA stunt.

See why I end up still with him? There's always something else to deal with.

DiamondsInTheFlesh Fri 31-Jul-15 21:44:07

Hi Peppa I'm waiting for h to move out. It is hell isn't it. He's found somewhere to rent now & gets the keys on 13 August. But..I had to trawl rightmove for months & email him the links, he rejected so many for ridiculous reasons I really thought I'd go insane at one point. I've got a lodger moving in to make ends meet & that sort of forced him into it also because I'm in with the kids (& have been for some years) & the lodger is going in 'his' room. I've done as much prep as I can, I've started a pile of things for him to take (sheets towels etc) I just have to hope this all comes off now without drama. and he takes all his cycling shit with him
We don't talk at all. I just cannot wait for the stress of not talking to someone in the room to go!
Weekends are the worst I'm pretty much in tears by Sunday evening, I try to escape to mums but I know she's getting a bit fed up of the kids there all the time!
I still cook his meals etc
No advice really just to let you know I'm going through this. I feel very positive & strong about the future flowers

Peppasmate Fri 31-Jul-15 23:19:59

Diamonds...seriously? F**know that!!

My patience is wearing thin. His moping & doing nothing with regards to the dc or the house will make his move much quicker.

I do feel guilty but I'm exhausted. I've done an 18 hour day & my patience is running short. If he doesn't pull his weight & be of some use, he'll find himself out that door fast.
I'm not looming for a place for him. He's a middle aged man, he can do it or sleep in his car -again. I really am past caring.

Best of luck to you. Hope everything goes to plan & life gets easier for

Peppasmate Fri 31-Jul-15 23:21:13

Sorry for typos!blush
I'm exhausted.

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