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I actually don't know what to do - please advise me. re divorce

(46 Posts)
Wavingnotdrowning Fri 31-Jul-15 09:36:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RealityCheque Fri 31-Jul-15 09:42:20

You are not being selfish. He is being a cock. And almost certainly is living with (or at least shagging) an OW.

antimatter Fri 31-Jul-15 09:43:39

I think he is having it easy way.

I would wait until change of ownership and then go to court to enforce him having kids overnight.
If he is that well off he can have 2 flats. It is his worry then not yours.

I have 2 kids who are teenagers, work full time and have kids full time with me apart from 2 weeks a year he takes them away for holiday.
It's tiring but I told ex to stop using house he use to live in as his and stop lecturing me.
Luckily he listened and I am less stressed since.

Can you afford mortgage payments once you become the owner of the house?

I can imagine kids won't be thrown out of the school if you move further away.

Anniegetyourgun Fri 31-Jul-15 09:47:30

I don't think you're being selfish. But then I wouldn't, would I - I insisted on selling the family home too. Sometimes you've got to do what's best for your own sanity. It won't help the DC much if you're carted off in a straitjacket. It isn't doing them that much good having to witness their father browbeating their mother in her own home as it is. (XH was poor on boundaries but not nearly so much of a bully as yours.) Only hindsight will tell you for certain but I, for one, think you have to do this.

category1 Fri 31-Jul-15 09:48:42

No you're not a bitch. He's trying to control and keep you trapped - a gilded cage, you might say - where he gets to treat your home like it's still his. No, make a break, move, go for something you can afford more easily and get free.

AnyFucker Fri 31-Jul-15 09:48:47

he wants to do it this way so he can still control everything that you do

see a solicitor and push for a divorce with a fair split of assets....and get the hell out of there

Wavingnotdrowning Fri 31-Jul-15 09:49:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wavingnotdrowning Fri 31-Jul-15 09:50:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wavingnotdrowning Fri 31-Jul-15 09:51:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

antimatter Fri 31-Jul-15 09:59:44

Have you seen divorce solicitor yet?

Verypissedoffwife Fri 31-Jul-15 10:05:12

I would want a new place too. You can't be free of him if he's constantly invading your space like this. I'm in the process of splitting up with my husband and the thing that's motivating me more than anything is the thought of a new house free from him. There's no way I could stay in the family home - there's too many memories and it's depressing.

I don't think, sadly, you can force him to have the children overnight. I know he can force you to let him have contact but it doesn't work the other way round - if he doesn't take them there's not much you can do. I would go through a solicitor and stop engaging with him to be honest. He's still playing with you.

AnyFucker Fri 31-Jul-15 10:05:37

get a solicitor to deal with him

you cannot handle this yourself, you are going to make yourself ill

an amicable split is only possible when both parties are reasonable

3579little Fri 31-Jul-15 10:09:40

Save all the communication. Let your solicitor see how unreasonable he is.

Wavingnotdrowning Fri 31-Jul-15 10:10:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Verypissedoffwife Fri 31-Jul-15 10:13:52

He is despicable. What a fucking bastard using his own children to score points against you.

I don't think you can afford NOT to go down the litigation route. He's shown you that he can't be trusted. I'm not sure how these things work but couldn't your legal bill be paid out of your divorce settlement?

Featherbluedot Fri 31-Jul-15 10:15:36

He's a bully. I totally feel for you. You are NOT being selfish at all. He is systematically trying to break you down. Once all your DC are at school then you will be able to breathe so hang on in there. You can then start looking at ways to support yourself independently. With 6 DC though I can't imagine how exhausted you must be. Life will get better, hold on to that for now.

You are living in a gilded cage right now, so I agree you would probably be happier in a different house if that's what you feel is required.

Featherbluedot Fri 31-Jul-15 10:23:37

Sorry I just read further up that you are working full time. Hopefully you already at least have a cleaner. If not get one it will make a world of difference.

Your 16 year old is old enough to baby sit in so much as even if you don't go out you can just go to your room shut the door and hide under the duvet and sleep/rest.

glenthebattleostrich Fri 31-Jul-15 10:24:04

OK, you need to make a list.

1. Make an appointment with a divorce solicitor.

2. Write down everything you want / need to happen
a) Sell house and split equity, taking into account your childrens housing needs
b) regular monthly maintenance (court ordered if necessary)
c) contact - half a fucking day is not being a father, I take my daughters friends out more than that.
d) joint debts - he needs to pay his share
e) any other assets from the marriage (including pensions, investments etc) and how they are to be split.

3. Investigate housing so you know how much you will need to stay in the area so the kids can stay in schools

4. Find a mediation service so you can show court you at least tried to reach a fair settlement but don't just accept anything. You may need to do a Form E for court which he will have to disclose everything.

5. Speak to your GP re councilling / support. There may be some help out there.

6. Stop at 8pm each night. Switch off any work, stop cleaning (the kids won't die if the wash doesn't go on)

7. Source a new au pair or nanny / housekeeper if you can afford it.

8. Log all calls / incidents of abuse. Speak to the police about harrassment / abusive behaviour.

Keep posting, others will be more helpful (I'm just parroting advice I've seen on here).

And remember, look after yourself. No one ever died from the vac not being pushed around daily. Make sure the kids are helping around the house and use the time they are with the arse for you.


PurpleWithRed Fri 31-Jul-15 10:25:12

He is completely despicable. He also seems to not care at all what his kids think of him - they must see he's being a complete arse, especially the older ones. He is deliberately muddying the waters and trying to keep financial control of you.

You are married, in a long marriage with children. You are entitled to a proper settlement - certainly 50% of the marital assets + maintenance for the children. You are also entitled to not be bullied and manipulated by him.

However, this may mean selling up and it may mean moving the kids schools.

What do YOU want? You can't have it all, but IMHO getting him off your back is worth a few sacrifices.

antimatter Fri 31-Jul-15 11:02:15

I would sit down older kids and explain to them what's going on.
That their father doesn't want to sell the house but you can't afford to keep it so you would have to move into a smaller house.

Tell them things will change but you will make sure that everything will run as smoothly as possible. School change will be dependant on where you will move.

I don't know anything about divorce law but if mortgage is about to bounce isn't it better to let bank know now and feel that at least you have some security of knowledge things are under some control?

Wavingnotdrowning Fri 31-Jul-15 15:53:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glenthebattleostrich Fri 31-Jul-15 16:19:18

Unfortunately you can't force fathers to actually be fathers. When I rule the world Fathers will actually take responsibility for their share of childcare or they will pay for someone who will.

Definitely sell the house. And be honest with the children. With the younger ones you can even sell it as a big adventure.

Someone said on here, you can't control other peoples behaviour but you can control your reaction to it. I know it is easier said than done, which is why I suggested a councillor, but that is what you need to work on.

Oh and you are doing brilliantly. I look after up to 6 kids at a time and they are bloody exhausting. I take my hat off to anyone who does it full time.

Georgethesecond Fri 31-Jul-15 16:25:34

You can't force him to be a decent father, unfortunately. So you will have to do, or arrange, the childcare wherever you live. Ask your solicitor for suggestions. Obviously they can't tell you what to do, but they will have seen similar cases. It sounds as though you need to move house. Is it possible for you to reduce your working hours?

pocketsaviour Fri 31-Jul-15 16:30:44

I know it makes more work for you and you must be exhausted - but from the DCs welfare point of view, far better for them NOT to have contact with someone who is so obviously uninterested in them.

As other PPs have said, take steps to find a solicitor who'll take their fee out of the house sale. If he chucks his toys out of the pram and claims his share of equity, so be it. If you can't afford to run the house on your own then you'll have to sell.

Can you talk to your eldest (eldest two perhaps?) and tell them you're all going to have to pull together, and work as a team. This may mean the eldest ones walking the littler ones to school, to activities, to the nursery, whatever.

In the meantime, put your foot down with STBXH and tell him contact takes place OUT of the family home. He picks them up then brings them back.

And yes, sorry but his shady behaviour almost certainly means he has an OW. sad

Cahu5 Fri 31-Jul-15 18:12:24

Wavingnotdrowning... I was in a similar position... Just 2 kids though..the solicitors fees came out of the eventual divorce settlement. You need a clean break from him as his behaviour will not improve. Knowing what you do about him not wanting responsibility for the kids means you must push for as much as you can get. You will get the lions share anyway but you must get a good solicitor experienced in family law. x

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