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If you are a SAHP, whose name is your family car in and does your other half refer to it as "his/hers"?

(44 Posts)
donotfeelsecure Fri 31-Jul-15 03:30:20

angry

Maybe AIBU I don't know.

H paid for it but until recently I have been a SAHM (and the work I have started doing is low paid and term time only). The car is naturally, like everything else angry, in his name.

We have both damaged the car - and in very similar ways, driving in to barriers in car parks. The damage I did was worse though and has knocked more of the value off the car. To repair it h bought a new (second hand) passenger door, fitted it and had to build up the part you step on to to get into the car (it's a people carrier so higher off the ground) with filler which he hasn't yet (and probably won't now) smoothed off so that part looks a little concretey.

I was laughing about this yesterday (not the fact that I damaged it but the fact that it now looks a little flinstoney) and h suddenly rounded on me and said that he didn't know why I was laughing and I wouldn't be if it was my car or words to that effect. It was the cold way he said it as well that upset me.

So I asked how was it not my car given that over the years I have contributed a lot.

This is what depresses me. That it always boils down to h owning everything including our family home. I guess not having my name on anything makes him feel more invulnerable as he is already divorced but it makes me feel insecure and he obviously does not care / realise.

He refuses to discuss our future in any way as well apart from occasionally saying that he is going to live in a country he has always wanted to go to. He says a lot of tongue in cheek stuff so I never know what to take seriously or not. Going by his very possessive attitude however (the second hand laptops he bought for us to use are also referred to as his but the really big thing is the family home) I have to maybe anticipate the worst but it is 3.20 am so maybe I am not thinking rationally.

At what point will my contribution, both in terms of being a SAHM and financially before that, make me an equal to him in every way angry.

Not really relevant but I also received a small inheritance when my Mum died (almost 9 years ago now shocksad) and this in part went and still goes towards occasional holidays / some things for the house / activities for the dc. I also "lent" him roughly the value of the car 7 years ago. In a marriage this shouldn't really be a loan but his whole attitude to co-ownership makes me feel very insecure.

Maybe I am being unreasonable but please be gentle if you think so!

donotfeelsecure Fri 31-Jul-15 03:32:19

To be fair he does not refer to the family home as "his" (he knows better than to do that angry) but I know on past evidence that that is how he feels.

donotfeelsecure Fri 31-Jul-15 03:47:29

He refuses to discuss our future in any way - when I asked him what we were going to do about / for our pension when we get to that stage, he once replied that he would be dead. All of this makes me feel that I should be working every hour that god sends but the dc don't make that possible. This past year h has worked away from home a lot - why is the fact that he has been able to do that because I was there not valued in any way (for example).

I think he feels that I am very lucky to live somewhere that someone else pays the mortgage for (and I am I know) and what happens after that will be "my problem".

I am going to really focus on working and earning more but it feels as if my 19 year contribution to our relationship and then marriage is not valued.

He recently said again that once he has finished working on his current project he would be going to the country he has always wanted to go to. When I asked how we (the dc and I) would live, he said that would be my problem. Again this could be all tongue in cheek and he says a lot of things that don't come to pass but who knows??

PotteringAlong Fri 31-Jul-15 04:01:57

The big family car is in my DH's name simply because we've traded cars in that were his from before we were married to get it - the little car is mine that I got the year we met and is still going strong a decade later!

However, when I was on maternity leave I had the big car and I have it daily as I take the children to nursery because I have to drive past it to get to work. My DS calls it "mummy's car". DH and I refer to them both as "our car".

I'm really sorry you're having these discussions; it sounds really hard. But we have family money (I work part time) and both make an equal but different contribution to the family.

PotteringAlong Fri 31-Jul-15 04:02:54

I'd definitely be making financial plans for the future if I were you flowers

Zillie77 Fri 31-Jul-15 04:12:56

Your husband's tongue-in-cheek comments (if that is what they are) are decidedly unfunny! He seems to have a very uncaring approach to your discussions about your future plans. All cars and real estate should be in both of your names. The spouse who has an income should be doing the pension planning for the couple, no question. You provide great value by staying at home, no doubt about that, and I say that as a mom who is employed outside of the home. I have great respect for the sahm role and sahms (and sahds) need to be given economic parity by their spouses.

donotfeelsecure Fri 31-Jul-15 07:37:01

Thanks for your messages.

Have decided I am going to drive "his" car unless completely necessary and will use public transport (which should be okay where we live - will just involve more planning).

Probably a silly response but I am fed up with having the "it is his car" line flung in my face every few months.

I am also, when I am ready, going to ask him if we can set the finances up differently and what he envisions for us in the future. I will also ask him if my name can be on the family home deeds. (I have asked him before and he has always been suspicious and defensive).

If none of that goes okay I don't know what I will do confused.

Not sure what I am so desperately trying to hold on to either as he never touches me / shows me any affection hmm. We get on quite well on a chatty day to day kind of level but is that enough?

donotfeelsecure Fri 31-Jul-15 07:37:39

I am not going to drive his car.

HermioneWeasley Fri 31-Jul-15 07:42:37

Slightly alarmed that it sounds like you are not making any pension/long term savings provision - did I understand that correctly?

Your H is a cock. My DW is a SAHM. We share all financial assets equally. I tend to run the finances as she has zero interest, but there are equal savings in her name, joint ownership of the house etc. we each have our own cars.

Your H doesn't respect your contribution and you are in a very vulnerable position. I would consider going back to work and making yourself less financially dependent.

HoldenCaulfield80 Fri 31-Jul-15 07:45:45

Our car is in my name because I'm the only one who drives and we call it the car. This isn't really about the car though is it? It's more about how precarious your financial situation is and how insecure your DH is making you feel about the future. Rather than just not drive it, I'd steel myself for a conversation about finances and the fact that these 'jokey' comments don't really feel jokey. All the best OP

Hissy Fri 31-Jul-15 07:46:57

If you are married, and have been a SAHP, when you divorce, you'll START with 50/50 and work UP

That car is as much yours as it is his. Why cut your nose off to spite your face.

If he comes up with this bollocks about mine mine mine (is he in fact a toddler?) just tell him everything in marriage is deemed as joint assets and that your contribution to childcare is valued in terms of allowing HIM to work and progress financially. Even if he doesn't.

Get financial and legal advice as to what you would be entitled to.

I'm not saying to necessarily do anything about it, but just understanding the true situation you are in will give you a sense of security and you know what you're dealing with I. The event of his buggering off to Timbuktu.

If it were me, one more comment like his and I'd help him sodding pack!

Pagwatch Fri 31-Jul-15 07:47:02

Good grief. Your name is not on the home deeds?

Don't stop driving the car. He can only fling it in your face if you accept the idea that it is his. Not driving it and taking public transport is a silly,massive aggressive way to deal with it.
'Don't be such a dick. It's not your care it's ours' and driving it whenever you want to is a better idea.

Find out how to get your name put on the house deeds and then speak to him about it.

Do you have a pension? Do you still have any money of your own? If you do, start a pension for yourself.
You need to stop asking him nicely to share and figure out how you want the finances to work.

The more you treat him like he is in charge, the less he will be equal.

Hissy Fri 31-Jul-15 07:49:59

I meant even if he doesn't value you, the law relating to divorce and separation does...

SillyStuffBiting Fri 31-Jul-15 07:50:08

I'd be seriously worried, you are in a really vulnerable position, of his doing.

We have a car each, both are registered in his name but the money for both of them was joint, we're both insured on both cars and one is referred to as mine, the other his

He's a wanker.

tilder Fri 31-Jul-15 07:56:25

If my dh did what your dh is saying, I would not be happy.

From a personal point of view I would find out where I stood financially. That marriage certificate buys you all sorts of rights to possession or savings he may consider his. I would contact citizens advice bureau in the first instance.

Lots of couples manage their finances differently. Using finances to give someone power over someone else is not on.

ScoutRifle Fri 31-Jul-15 07:57:10

I would consider telling him to fuck off and taking the kids and living elsewhere.
He can have all HIS stuff to himself then.

My husband legally owns both the cars in our household but one is very obviously mine (the new one) and one is very obviously his (the vintage car).
The house is in his name but if we split up it automatically becomes mine and I am responsible for the rent.
All the amenities are in my name and because of this I do the finances.
My husband has no interest in what his wages are spent on once it's in the family pot as long as he has petrol to get to work. Works well for us.

Joysmum Fri 31-Jul-15 07:57:24

All cars and real estate should be in both of your names

I disagree. Firstly, cars are deemed as joint assets by married couples anyway in terms of ownership but you can only have one person on the V5 as the registered keeper. I don't know anyone who has drawn up and ownership document for any of their cars.

Secondly, my property is in my name, but again would be taken into consideration for divorce. It's my investment as it provides me with my living and my pension and the income from them is my income and taxed as my income. Likewise my DH's earnings are not in my name but would be taken into considerations should we split, as would his pension.

I could take this another stage further and set up as a private limited company if I felt the need to. It's not worth the hassle and red tape though and wouldn't achieve anything in terms of what would happen re a divorce.

tilder Fri 31-Jul-15 08:00:45

Regarding cars. We have 2, each own one. The actual ownership of each depends on which car needed replacing. So dh owns the family car that I drive as when we realised we needed a family car and not 2 little cars, my car was better than his so we kept mine and traded his in. If that makes sense!

We both deny ownership of the family car grin

Superexcited Fri 31-Jul-15 08:07:38

In response to your original question: I am a SAHM and we have two cars, one in each name. We are both insured on each car but we definitely have his car and my car. When my car was off the road for a fortnight by DH used public transport (which took him forever to commute) and gave me 'his car' because I needed it more due to DC having a complex disability. I don't know why we have his car and my car because everything else is most definitely shared and has dual ownership, I think it comes down to the fact that I chose a car that I wanted and like and he chose what he wanted. I don't like driving his car as it wouldn't be my choice of car and I don't like him driving my car because on the occasion that he has he can't be bothered to put fuel in and leaves it almost in the red zone meaning that I have to go to the petrol station ASAP (and he isn't as careful as me when driving).
If we only had one car it would most certainly be a joint car and we would have to choose it together but I would make damn sure that he stopped driving so carelessly.

category1 Fri 31-Jul-15 08:10:40

I'm with Hissy. You've been together 19 years and are married. You're the main carer for the dc. This means you have legal rights to the joint assets of the marriage, whatever he says . Get some legal advice to confirm your position if you feel this worried.

I also agree with whoever said keep driving - you're only hurting yourself by taking public transport, and feeding into his delusion that everything is his and you've no right to anything.

Personally I would take a serious look at what support you'd get as a lone parent, taking into account the joint assets, and really understand your rights.

Then if you want to continue to put up with his assholery, do it from a position of confidence and cut him off when he talks rubbish about stuff being his alone.

SillyStuffBiting Fri 31-Jul-15 08:10:48

And registered keeper isn't the same as owner.

PotteringAlong Fri 31-Jul-15 08:15:36

Tilder that makes perfect sense to me - it's basically what we've done.

We also deny ownership, usually when it comes to taxing them grin

DownWithThisTypeOfThing Fri 31-Jul-15 08:24:08

You're in the UK? And married? Next time he makes one of these "jokes" then joke straight back "what's yours is mine sweetheart, this ring says so".

Has he always been like this? Have you always been on different pages?

Nolim Fri 31-Jul-15 08:30:10

Our car is technically my ohs car since i didnt have a license when we bought it but for all intents and purposes it belongs to both of us.

But this is not about the car op. It is about respect and your future. Stop using your inheritance for holidays. Make plans for your future.

JumpingJack56 Fri 31-Jul-15 08:34:14

Oh gosh your h sounds awful. I'm not married to dp yet, been together nearly 6 years and I am and have been a sahp since we got together. He had a car when we got together which is in his name and he uses it for work commute etc. when I passed my test he bought me a little runaround-it was registered in my name as it was a car for me and the children. I've had two cars since and they each have been registered in my name, my latest car is a newer one than his. He asks if he can borrow it when his is in for service or similar he would never refer to it as his-we have a joint account and he appreciates that if it wasn't for me being at home with the children he wouldn't be able to do the job he is doing. We're a team.

I think if dp had your hubby's attitude towards me id be making swift plans to get out knowing that with a ring on my finger the courts would soon set him straight about my lack of contribution to our marriage.

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