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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

How do women feel about older virgin men?

54 replies

ErenYeager · 31/07/2015 00:15

I want to ask what women think about men who are still virgins later on in life. I have had this idea for a while that virginity after a certain age is basically the ultimate red flag. Unfortunately I am well beyond that age. I'm a straight guy in my twenties. Never kissed or been on a date. I am not getting any closer to doing either of those. As the weeks, months and years continue to accumulate I am having to ponder the possibility that it will never happen for me. Any advice for me?

OP posts:

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Lovelypompoms · 31/07/2015 00:33

It will happen and then you wonder what ever was I worried about. Honestly I would think it a little strange might be a red flag as would be concerned to why? but if I liked you and it worked out I wouldn't care at all. I think other girls would think the same. I wouldn't lead with that tho! I would wait until you know and trust the person. If they its a deal breaker then they obviously didn't care for you that much and maybe isn't the best person. I think you should get yourself out there and date. I can understand if you want to wait to sleep with someone until it's with someone special but you are missing out on dating and the odd kiss...get out there and meet people, maybe a dating site?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 31/07/2015 00:45

I think the right woman for you won't be bothered, so you need to find the right woman! This thread will likely fill with women who would see it as a red flag, there have been threads like this before.

Is there a reason? Religious or cultural? Insecurity? Hermit? etc etc. That will make a difference aswell both to you and women, different people have different expectations, different values and different ways. There are women who would love it and be very happy, unless you're an axe murderer in the making of course ;) , and there are those who either wouldn't like the lack of experience or see it as a red flag to there being something wrong, it all depends on the woman. We're all different.

goddessofsmallthings · 31/07/2015 00:53

Why have you never been on a date? Have you not met anyone you've been sufficiently taken with to ask out, or are you waiting for a woman to ask you?

How do you spend your spare time? Do you have male friends you go out and about with,or are you a loner who rarely socialises with others?

MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday · 31/07/2015 01:25

One of the loveliest guys I ever met was a virgin in his mid 20s. I don't think it's as uncommon as you might imagine.. men and women lie a lot to 'fit in' And not having experience isn's a turn off for most women... someone we can teach is a lovely way to start!

Do you actually want to meet someone? There is nothing wrong with being single (and celibate) if it suits you. If not.. get out there.. online dating, join a few local clubs.

I'm an oldie now. 4 grown up kids. One of whom is a virgin and I think is very unlikely to ever have a relationship with anyone as he has ASD..and it's just not part of his experience of the world. It doesn't make him any less of a person :)

brokenhearted55a · 31/07/2015 01:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donyourway · 31/07/2015 01:30

If i was 30 and still a virgin i'd hire a prostitute for a night.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 31/07/2015 01:39

When you said 'older' I assumed you were in your 50's.... time for you yet.

ToastedOrFresh · 31/07/2015 01:54

You're panicking because you haven't had sex and 'everyone' else has. A lot of people end up in relationships because the thought of not being in one bothers them.

Some women/girls lose their virginity so their boyfriend doesn't dump them. No pressure.

I'm not saying you have or you should do that, just that it goes the other way too.

CheerfulYank · 31/07/2015 02:09

I started dating DH when he was 24 and still a virgin. He definitely isn't now We've been together a dozen years, married for almost nine, and have three kids. It didn't bother me. He was Catholic. Well, still is. :)

TRexingInAsda · 31/07/2015 02:14

donyourway that's disgusting. I'd much rather sleep with a virgin than someone who had the disrespect for women enough to hire a prostitute!

Being a virgin isn't a problem at all, it's the 'why', if there is one, that might be a problem. Eg, if you are painfully shy which prevents you starting a relationship, obviously that's going to be the thing that gets in the way. Stop worrying about the sex, concentrate your mind on a loving relationship with a nice, compatible, mutually attractive person, and the sex will sort itself out. Can you think of anything that's got in the way of having relationships so far?

ToastedOrFresh · 31/07/2015 02:28

A partner I had said to me, after we had done the deed, 'how would you feel if I said I had never done that before ?' I replied, 'I would be surprised as you are a good lover' was my reply. Reader, I married him.

I wasn't the first girl he'd kissed etc. However, it was the first time a contraceptive device was deployed !

I've had rubbish sex from so called experienced men. Experience of what exactly ? Rubbish sex ?

Here's my experience of sex with men who weren't virgins: Selfish in bed. Or lacking in confidence and find foreplay boring. Or just wanted a 'fanny wank' i.e. just moved the head of his penis in and out of the top of my vagina so he would get the sensation. Or arbitrarily decided to shove his finger up my bum 'because women like that'. No I bloody don't and it might have been nice if you asked first. Or entitled to sex just because the relationship is in situ, i.e. doesn't have to be nice about it anymore. You're my girlfriend so sex is therefore a feature.

It's just dawned on me that my first boyfriend was a virgin, he was a teenager like I was and so was my last, he was in his late twenties same as me.

IME, virgins make better lovers because they are not selfish and have not fallen into bad habits. Sex can be referred to as a, 'poke' unfortunately that's all some men can do or want.

You're to young to remember the, 'Black Adder' comedy show but at one point a young prince is trying to woo a princess with the help of Black Adder. Just as Black Adder has started to smooth the path, the prince comes along and shouts out, 'sausage time !'

A lot of blokes just see women and just think, 'sausage time !'

You will break your duck one day.

pastaratatouille · 31/07/2015 02:41

My lovely DH and I knew each other as just friends up until he was 32. We then started dating. It was because of the clear respect he had for me and the fact that he didnt rush me into bed that I completely fell for him.1 year on, he told me that he'd been.a virgin until I came along and had never had a girlfriend before me; I felt even more admiration and love for him when he told me. He's just so much different from any other man I've gotten to know and it's a pure blessing.

Years later, we are blessed with a Daughter and are very happy together. Seriously, any woman who sees your virginity as a turn off just isn't worth the hassle. I wish their were more respectful, non-promiscuous men like you and my DH out there and the right lady will see it that way too! Don't worry it will happen and thankyou for being a gentleman :)

pastaratatouille · 31/07/2015 02:42

*there

Happy36 · 31/07/2015 03:32

In your twenties! You are still young and there are many other virgins your age. Try to feel confident and you will know when the time is right.

When I saw this thread´s title I was expecting you to be 60 odd!

FolkGirl · 31/07/2015 04:10

I also thought you were going to say 40s/50s.

20s is nothing

Mrsfrumble · 31/07/2015 04:58

I think it's much less unusual than people think to be a virgin in your 20s. There's this common perception that everyone is shagging like bunnies in their teens, and those that don't have that experience feel (needlessly) weird and embarassed so don't speak up.

Wasn't Chris Martin a virgin until his early 20s? And that obviously didn't seem like a red flag to some very beautiful and successful women...

DrMorbius · 31/07/2015 09:00

donyourway - If i was 30 and still a virgin i'd hire a prostitute for a night.
It must be early, I am surprised you have not been well and truly flamed by now.

OP - twenties is not old, although there is obviously a difference between 21 and 29. Why do you think you have never been on a date?

Epilepsyhelp · 31/07/2015 09:11

OP - virginity wouldn't bother me at all. Any woman you meet who would judge you on that is not the right one anyway I'd say.

don anyone having slept with a prostitute would be the biggest red flag imaginable, I would struggle to even be friends with someone who would do that.

stevienickstophat · 31/07/2015 09:27

My BIL was a virgin when he met my DSis. He was in his late 20s.

She soon sorted that out

They've just celebrated their 20th Wedding Anniversary.

OvertiredandConfused · 31/07/2015 09:45

My DH was a virgin when we got together and he'd just turned 30! We've been married for 16 years

Orangeisthenewbanana · 31/07/2015 09:53

I was in my twenties and a virgin when I met my now DH. He was late 20's and had only had one previous partner. I remember feeling very self conscious that I was probably the only one out of all my friends who had never dtd but I will be eternally grateful that I waited for someone who I trusted enough to take that step with (even if we hadn't ended up married!)

It is a cliché but when you meet the right person, she won't care!

DayLillie · 31/07/2015 10:02

Mid twenties is nothing. I know someone snapped up in his mid fifties. He found the right person. They are both very happy

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DramaQueenofHighCs · 31/07/2015 10:03

My DH was in his mid thirties when he lost his Virginity [to me] and it didn't bother me in the slightest. In fact I thought it was really sweet! (He's very shy and hadn't had many serious girlfriends.)

Really don't get what all the fuss over someone being a virgin is - surely it's better that then they've slept around loads and potentially caught all sorts of nasties!

TwoTribes · 31/07/2015 10:40

Sex with a prostitute would just be the mechanics though; put this here, are you done yet, sort of thing.

What OP wants, I suspect, is something fun and natural. Kissing, for example would be a good start. You just need to get out there OP and meet people, meet their friends, their families, their families' friends and so on. At some point you'll meet someone that you just click with and you will enjoy each other's company and want to spend more time together.

JeanSeberg · 31/07/2015 11:24

I don't agree with the prostitute comment but there would be nothing wrong with using a hook up site.

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