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When cleaning/tidying I found...

(22 Posts)
nothingsevereasy Thu 30-Jul-15 19:22:15

A pvc all in one, a bra, pants, and a wig. None of it my size and I would be worried about it being for another woman...except for finding the wig. Everything was hidden in a drawer. I knocked my necklace behind the chest of drawers so pulled the bottom drawer out rather than move the whole chest. Couldn't get the drawer back in so took the clothes out to refold them and then found this stuff, hidden amongst it all.

What on earth do I do now? Tbh, I'm not sure how I feel about it all.

CoolAs10Fonzies Thu 30-Jul-15 19:25:41

someone in your house likes to dress up?

SugarOnTop Thu 30-Jul-15 19:26:14

sounds like a fancy dress for a stag night or such.

SirPercyPilkington Thu 30-Jul-15 19:26:47

How is your relationship?

ThatBloodyWoman Thu 30-Jul-15 19:29:43

Before you found this,what were your feelings on cross dressing?
If it is that your dh is cross dressing,if its something you had no strong feelings about prior to this,I would hold fire and take the time to absorb the possibility and see how I felt about it before doing anything.
I feel for you though -what a shock for you.But try to keep perspective on this.

I am assuming he is a good dh

nothingsevereasy Thu 30-Jul-15 19:37:55

He isn't going on any stag nights/parties. Our relationship has gone through a rocky patch at the start of the year but is getting better...we have been together 10 years. We have a little girl who adores him and vice versa.

He has always had problems getting an erection and this is more problematic this year...blood tests indicate low testosterone and he is seeing a consultant soon.

He is a pessimist and always assumes the worst. He thinks his voice is getting higher (it isn't), and said the other day that he might as well be a woman. Wondering whether these clothes are a reaction to his mindset. I am aware that no one can answer that here...just pondering aloud really.

ThatBloodyWoman Thu 30-Jul-15 19:39:33

Do you love him?

nothingsevereasy Thu 30-Jul-15 19:40:13

Thanks thatbloodywoman, you are right. My thoughts beforehand...each to their own...so will bear that in mind :-)

nothingsevereasy Thu 30-Jul-15 19:40:40

Yes I do

ThatBloodyWoman Thu 30-Jul-15 19:46:03

You love him,your daughter loves him.
Put the stuff back?

nothingsevereasy Thu 30-Jul-15 19:51:45

It's right where I found it...nowhere else to put it and wanted to deal with this my way and in my time.

Thanks...writing it down helps so much. It stops the roundabout of thoughts going crazy in my head :-)

Yarp Thu 30-Jul-15 20:00:26

I would ask about it. I couldn't not ask about it, and I don't consider it to be an invasion of privacy

HowDdo2You Thu 30-Jul-15 20:04:09

I would ask too.

DorothyBastard Thu 30-Jul-15 20:04:30

You need to gently tell him what you found and find out from him what is going on. Once you are satisfied he has been honest with you, you need to take some time to decide how you feel about whatever he reveals.

pocketsaviour Thu 30-Jul-15 20:09:33

Wondering whether these clothes are a reaction to his mindset.

My guess would be yes, definitely.

I think I would probably hide the clothes again. But try to give him more reassurance before his appointment, and if you can, go with him to it and encourage him to talk about his fears to the consultant.

Two things you might point out to him:
1. Trans women have to take a huge, huge amount of estrogen to start their transitions. A lack of testosterone isn't in it. If it was, then surely the opposite would apply and any woman who goes through menopause without HRT would be developing a deep gruff voice and manly chest hair!
2. Testosterone levels as an adult male do not affect the pitch of your voice. Once the larynx has finished growing into it's adult state, that's basically it - only external factors like an injury or smoking will have any effect after this.

There is a good article on hormones and voice here:
mentalfloss.com/article/50360/what-determines-what-your-voice-sounds

Yarp Thu 30-Jul-15 20:13:15

I agree pocket, but I think mentioning finding the clothes should be a catalyst for that discussion

TRexingInAsda Thu 30-Jul-15 20:29:44

So he likes to wear this stuff. How do you feel about that? Do you want to be involved, if he would want that? Think about it, and if you want to, talk to him and tell him how you feel. Be prepared for him to be very defensive to the point of prickly about it, as he may be expecting a very negative reaction from you. It's ok, lots of men like to dress up as a sexual thing but are too embarrassed to say. The 'I might as well BE a woman' is a bit more concerning though - what does it mean to him to be a woman, is it just like a man with a high voice, or something else?

flessan Thu 30-Jul-15 20:38:15

He is a pessimist and always assumes the worst. He thinks his voice is getting higher (it isn't), and said the other day that he might as well be a woman. Wondering whether these clothes are a reaction to his mindset.

I think it's more likely that this was an embarrassed attempt to sound you out on his feelings about his gender. You do need to tell him you've found theses things, but if possible in a non accusatory way. You need to know whether he just likes cross dressing as a sexual thing (and if so you need to decide whether that's something you can accept in your partner) or whether he is actually struggling with being transgender - www.hrc.org/resources/entry/resources-for-people-with-transgender-family-members have some excellent resources for you.

BoxOfKittens Thu 30-Jul-15 20:54:41

Tell him you found it accidentally when retrieving your necklace and that he doesn't need to hide this from you. Ask if he'd like to talk about his feelings.

Have you ever expressed any negative feelings towards cross dressing? There are all kinds of reasons why he has hidden it. Although a drawer in a shared room is not exactly going out of the way to hide it.

goddessofsmallthings Fri 31-Jul-15 01:45:42

In common with flessan, I think his 'voice' comment was an attempt to sound you out and I also think that the clothes came before his diagnosis of low testosterone, albeit that this condition may have caused or contributed to his depression.

RealityCheque Fri 31-Jul-15 08:38:22

On what basis have you decided that the clothes were before the diagnosis, goddess?

nothingsevereasy Fri 31-Jul-15 09:13:04

Thanks all for your comments. I know I need to broach this with him, and I desperately don't want to sound like I am reacting negatively towards this as I know he is totally all over the place at the moment.

There is no evidence at all that this was before his diagnosis, but that doesn't mean to say that he didn't have these thoughts beforehand. Who knows how long the stuff has been there!

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