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honey trap...good/bad/horrendous idea??

(30 Posts)
Bloodyhellfire123 Thu 30-Jul-15 13:04:47

DP and I have separated. He wants me to trust him again. His idea is he will prove himself to me whilst we're apart. I'm not would I know??
Do...honey trap?

Offred Thu 30-Jul-15 13:06:00

No, horrendous idea.

You don't trust him to even try, therefore it is over.

AnyFucker Thu 30-Jul-15 13:06:47

I presume he cheated on you so you ended it

keep it ended, don't play silly games

Epilepsyhelp Thu 30-Jul-15 13:07:01

I think you can only see how things go over time, 'testing' is not going to work, especially as it sounds like he could know he's being tested.

What has he done to break your trust?

TheStoic Thu 30-Jul-15 13:14:43

If he passes your honey trap, will that be it? You'll trust him again?

Bloodyhellfire123 Thu 30-Jul-15 13:34:01

yeah I think I would trust him if he 'passed'.

I don't think he ever cheated, but there's been some shady behaviour which led to my mistrust and loads of arguing and then we broke up.

Bloodyhellfire123 Thu 30-Jul-15 13:34:58

I also have lots of trust issues in general, not just within this relationship which I think relate to when I was growing up and things within my family. I actually don't really know how to trust someone.

AnyFucker Thu 30-Jul-15 13:45:14

so if he passed up your first honey trap because he didn't fancy her, what then ?

I presume there has been some specific behaviour with someone he actually does fancy judge him on that

settign up a false situation simply won't work

if you don't trust him because of his previous behaviour the that is all ypou need

if you have a problem with trust in general, game playing will not resolve it

Bloodyhellfire123 Thu 30-Jul-15 13:48:14

Argh I feel actually sick about it. I def do have an issue... I get so carried away with thoughts etc and feel ill thinking about things.

A co-worker made a move on him 6 hours after I had left. He said that he didn't kiss her back and just gave her a hug. But now I feel like how can I feel comfortable being with him at work.

I probably am just a bit crazy. But I do also hate this woman now.

zippey Thu 30-Jul-15 13:52:08

Honey trap - terrible idea. There will be a reason you broke up. If you think this is good relationship behaviour, it sounds like the guy is better off not being with you. You are probably better apart.

Branleuse Thu 30-Jul-15 14:00:05

I think you need to work on your own issues x

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty Thu 30-Jul-15 14:03:15

But you wouldn't trust him just because he passed a fake test, would you? You would still hate this other woman, and feel anxious about him being at work. Sending a "honey" to see how he reacts isn't going to change any of that.

Bloodyhellfire123 Thu 30-Jul-15 14:13:00

I actually don't know where to start? Any ideas?

AnyFucker Thu 30-Jul-15 15:17:43

I think you should stay split from this guy

and don't date anyone else until you have got some counselling to deal with your own issues

if he has triggered your anxieties with his dodgy behaviour you are better without him, and if it's all your problem you shouldn't be dating anyone right now

rouxlebandit Thu 30-Jul-15 15:31:28

I didn't know the meaning of 'honey trap' but now I think I do - intriguing!

ShortandSweeter Thu 30-Jul-15 17:09:59

has he been unfaithful? I'm confused.

AnyFucker Thu 30-Jul-15 17:18:44

op hasn't actually been clear on that point, nor as to who ended the relationship and even why they might get back together when it seems pretty doomed to me

Pagwatch Thu 30-Jul-15 17:22:08

How did you know about the co worker making a pass and him resisting?

Did he tell you?

goddessofsmallthings Thu 30-Jul-15 17:55:01

Regardless of gender, if colleague told me they had just split up with their spouse/partner in a tone which suggested they were not celebrating the event, I might be sufficiently moved to give them a hug and possibly a peck on the cheek along with a few words of condolence.

It could be that I would find myself being hugged in return, but these gestures would not in themselves be evidence of any desire on the part of either of us to engage in a shagfest.

If you 'don't really know how to trust someone' it's probable that your intimate relationships will be fraught with suspicion of what your current love interest is getting up to when he's not in your company. and I would suggest that you let your latest amorous affair RIP and seek counselling before you engage in another.

Bloodyhellfire123 Thu 30-Jul-15 18:50:30

I found out about the co-worker because I went on his work emails. Not a good thing to do..but that's part of my trust issues.
He told me that she had told him she liked him and she made a move and tried to kiss him, not a comforting peck on the cheek.

We broke up because he has been messaging other women and we have been rowing a lot. When things were particularly bad he got someone he slept with years ago to send him rude pictures. It was a joint decision to split but not an easy one, and I know that we are both hoping we will get back together. He is hoping he can prove himself and I am hoping I can trust him. We realise that without trust the relationship is doomed.

The honey trap thing was an insane idea, I can see that now. But that's how I get sometimes when my thoughts spiral.

AnyFucker Thu 30-Jul-15 18:55:21

OK, now that you have detailed what he has done I will go back to my previous point of saying stay split

he sounds like a right tosser and you could do a lot better

Pagwatch Thu 30-Jul-15 18:56:13

Tbh it sounds like you have grounds not to trust him. If you have trust issues any way,meeting back with him would not be a good idea

SeldomAthleticFC Thu 30-Jul-15 19:03:58

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I really indentify with the crazy spiralling thoughts. I'm pretty prone to obsessive thoughts myself. I find meditation or mindfulness helps a bit.
It sounds like you made the right decision to split. It doesn't sound like he is very trustworthy with getting an ex to send dodgy photos. That's not normal.
Good luck. I hope you feel better and find someone nice. flowers

Bloodyhellfire123 Thu 30-Jul-15 19:07:29

But am I not a bit of a tosser too in this situation? I had similar issues in a previous relationship and there was no way that guy was doing anything.

AnyFucker Thu 30-Jul-15 19:10:26

I do think you should seek some help, yes

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