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Husband told me he's leaving

(15 Posts)
Feelsolow100 Thu 30-Jul-15 11:54:36

Any advice would be really appreciated ...
Last week my husband of 11 years told me he's leaving. We have 2 children aged 5 and 10 who are absolutely devastated. He's been suffering with depression for a while now and on antidepressants so though all this he seems so emotionless. I on the other hand are a complete mess. I knew we had problems but we had decided to wait to go to marriage counselling till his depression was under control but suddenly he's decided he doesn't want to anymore. He's been my best friend and soul mate for 17 years and I can't believe he's doing this to us.
He's looking at houses to rent so he can move out but has this vision that he can pop in and out of our house as and when to see the kids or put them to bed. My children are going to miss him so much, as up until now they have had a wonderful loving childhood so him coming over would be great for them but would tear me apart each time he left ..

Jan45 Thu 30-Jul-15 12:07:22

Sorry this has happened to you and not to rubbish your situation but it happens every day, if it's not working you are sometimes better living separately and still can co parent.

Perhaps some space from each other will help you re-evaluate the situation and the relationship, you might actually start to see things much differently, I think you are just in shock at the moment.

I certainly wouldn't be allowing him to pop in and out as he pleases.

Your children can still continue to have a wonderful childhood OP, it's a fact of life these days, a family can range from one parent to two to whatever.....!

Are you sure there is no chance of OW?

Charlesroi Thu 30-Jul-15 12:10:36

Hi, I'm so sorry for your troubles.
I really don't think it's fair of him to expect to pop in and out when he feels like it. It's like he's getting al the nice bits about having children without all the grotty bits (I don't suppose he'll be tidying up after the DC when he's there?) so you must say no. It's also not fair on the children, as they have to get used to the idea that daddy has a new house and they can see him there. And VERY unfair to you.
Put your foot down, arrange regular contact times (somewhere else) and he might just see what the true cost of his decision is.

All the best with moving forward.

ShuShuFontana Thu 30-Jul-15 12:15:05

I'd certainly not allow him to play happy families swanning in and out as he pleases, it's In or Out when it comes to the marriage, not cherry picking nice evening meals and cosy bedtimes, leaving you with the disciplining, all the basics of childrearing and illnesses.

Financially, can he magic up the money to rent another house? Or will he be "moving in with a friend OW "

I'd let him go, and start getting organised for the rest of MY life.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 30-Jul-15 12:22:27

Better I believe to arrange set times for him to see the DC Feelsolow and not alwaysin your house.

He doesn't have any idea how upsetting it could be for you if he does that. You have to get this across to him early on.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. Do you have family local to you?

butterflygirl15 Thu 30-Jul-15 12:49:03

him waltzing in whenever he pleases is not great for the children or you. The norm is EOW and one night during the alternate week - doorstep handovers only. No exceptions. And go as NC as you can with him. If he wants to go he goes, and he will no longer have you as his confidante or friend, even when it all falls apart with the OW. Because I would bet my house there is one - sorry.

1up2down Thu 30-Jul-15 14:38:18

I agree with all above...you must not let him come and go as he pleases...if it is over and he won't be coming back this not only massively impacts the life of your DC but also any future love relationship.. that said depression is a miserable thing and very selfish....I know....he will not see how this is affecting you or the impact to you DC....chances are he can only think of escape and I don't mean you, I mean escape of his own mind but as he sees it (because depression warps the sense of self) he feels the situation is the escape he needs.
You need to be firm about visiting rights and stand very very strong for yourself and your DC...and I agree depression or not, its certainly not fair for him to come and experience only the good bits of parenting...that said give him the space, the time...one does not know what one has untill it is gone....be strong

Goodbyemylove Thu 30-Jul-15 14:40:06

I don't know anyone who has managed to keep up that putting the kids to bed arrangement.

LucySnow12 Thu 30-Jul-15 14:59:38

I know it's probably devastating for you to read that many here think there is an OW but I would take that seriously. While he is still in the house, I would be looking on his phone. Men don't just abandon their wife and children without a fight. You wrote he seemed so emotionless. That's probably because he has been detaching from you emotionally during all the months he has been "depressed" and transferring his loyalty to the OW. Read up some old affair threads here and see if you see similarities with your situation. Start getting some RL support. Stay strong.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 30-Jul-15 15:43:41

I read on MN a long time ago, when your partner no longer wants your love then give it to your DCs. Whether or not he is seeing someone else, he opted not to bother with counselling and he opted out.

Take one day at a time, hold onto the thought this pain will pass. Having the DCs forces you to stick to some sort of routine even if you'd rather crawl into bed and cry. It's going to be a rollercoaster for some time. Some days somehow everything works but it just takes one thing to go wrong and the dominoes topple over. If you have good friends who you can talk things over with, get it off your chest.

Sweetsecret Thu 30-Jul-15 20:46:44

So so sorry this has happened to you. Same thing happened to me and I am now four months on, it has been hell so many ups and downs, I was utterly devastated but I now am feeling ALOT better.
It WILL get better, everyone said that to me and I thought how can it possibly get better but it really does.
I just threw myself into my DC they are 5 and 2.
I know exactly how you are feeling right now and it is horrendous, right now you will just feel shocked and confused, like everyone said.
Make sure he doesn't flit in and out as he pleases, mainly because it does you absolutely no favours in moving forward, believe me!
I would keep contact as minimal as possible don't email text or call him unless you have to and for god sake don't beg him to stay.
it is okay for you to just function over the next few weeks/months, just take each day as it comes, some will be hard some will be horrendous, some will be happy but as time moves forward the happy days will outweigh the horrendous, I promise.thanks

Feelsolow100 Thu 30-Jul-15 22:56:09

Thank you so much for your kind responces .. I know I need to be strong for my boys and I just hope I can be

LucySnow12 Fri 31-Jul-15 07:00:13

I think your H should move out now and stay with a friend or parent. He's decided to leave so he should leave immediately. It's not fair to you that you should suffer with him in the house. You need to concentrate on yourself and building a new life without him.

Goodbetterbest Fri 31-Jul-15 07:06:42

The popping in and out does not work, believe me. XH lives round the corner, fails to do any parenting or have the children, but pops in and out to say hello. This satisfies his need to see them, and they are indifferent to him so it's enough. I hate it.

I know it's very raw for you, but it's very important to be practical now. His notion of playing happy families on his terms will be destructive for you. It's you and your children now.

Good luck. It will get easier.

antimatter Fri 31-Jul-15 13:35:50

No popping in and out. It would be very tough on everyone (esp. you) if he does that as you won't have any privacy.
You both agree regular pattern and stick with it.
He can have them overnight and weekdays - at his place!

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