Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Soul-searching & reaching the wrong answers in marriage. Should I leave?

(7 Posts)
somethingchanged40 Thu 30-Jul-15 10:01:57

I am so stuck. Have had a dreadful few months - soul-searching. I have fallen out of love with my DH. Maybe it has been over the past few years, during and after the DCs. We both work FT and he does little around the house etc. I am fed up with living in this domestic trap.

I recently had a 'thing' about a woman. After much soul-searching, I realise that I am not being true to him. I can't get her out of my mind, I long to be with her, although it is very unlikely that anything will happen with her. I am now thinking about the future and what will happen if I become attracted to other females. In a way, gender is neither here nor there. It is indicative of there being something missing in the marriage, that I am feeling like this. I have needs and they are not being met. I don't know if he is even capable of meeting them. I am sorry to say that the thought of being alone but free is becoming more desperately valuable to me than being trapped in this marriage.

On the face of it, we seem a happy and strong unit. But I have sacrificed a lot to get to this, and now can't stand it any longer. I feel trapped and that there is a world I am missing out on. Furthermore, he was great as a man with whom to have children, but as a lover he is not so wonderful. I am now at the stage where I avoid evenings with him, including bed - it has been months since we last had sex. I don't want to be close to him, physically. I don't want to cook his dinners and iron his shirts any more. Whichever way I look at it, I don't want to grow old with him.

I don't know if it makes any difference that we have a significant age gap and that we rushed into the marriage a bit.

He must know there is something wrong as we grow further apart. I have spent the past few months doing things and going out in order to be in company of other people. He hasn't questioned it, he just says that I am horrid to live with.

We need to talk. I just don't know how to broach the subject. We are going away soon and this seems to be the only time we will be together for long enough to talk things through.

Please help me. I am not a bad person. Just a lost one. He is a good man and has exceptional values. However, I don't think I am the right person in this unit. I look at the DCs and cry. What am I destroying? Equally, I am not giving them a good model for marriage. I have fallen out of love with their father, and I'm not sure about my own sexuality.

On the other hand, you don't chuck away nearly 2 decades of marriage just like that. Will I regret this decision? I don't think this is just a phase - it rears its head every 4-5 years or so.

Do we even need to divorce ? Should we just separate? A trial? I am so confused. I don't want to have my cake and to eat it - not at all. I want to do the fair and honest thing, and I want to keep things amicable. When we are friends, we work really well.

Has anyone been in my situation? What did you do?

Jan45 Thu 30-Jul-15 10:22:20

Even marriage are not built to last forever, they all have a different shelf life, yours sounds long dead.

I think you'd be much happier on your own, to have things your way and to work out what you want from the rest of your life, it doesn't sound like he factors at all.

Millie3030 Thu 30-Jul-15 10:32:13

It sounds like you have the made the decision, but are just worrying about the family unit being seperate. But a family unit that is together and miserable isn't ideal. If you and he would be happier apart, maybe that is for the best.

somethingchanged40 Thu 30-Jul-15 13:12:17

Jan45 It helps to hear this about marriages. I had never considered that about shelf life as I have been hung up on 'til death do us part'. I just don't know when or how to call it a day. Yes, I am certain I would be happier alone. Plus, is it fair to be thinking of others (women or men) whilst married? I would say no.

Millie3030 Yes, I tink I have made my decision. I don't know how to talk it through with him. He is very sensitive. He has already had one marriage fail. I think he will be devastated. But I can't see that this is fair. I can't carry on like this.

Does anyone know what I should say? I don't know how to even start the discussion.

Vernazza Thu 30-Jul-15 13:58:42

OP you sound torn and it sounds like you have been for a long time. I was in the same position and this book REALLY helped me sort through it and get out of limbo. It's called Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum. You can get it on Amazon. I highly recommend it. All the best to you.

somethingchanged40 Thu 30-Jul-15 15:36:18

Vernazza Thank you so much. Yes, I am torn and the title of that book sums it up. I will order a copy now. Many thanks for this recommendation. What did you do, out of interest? You sound very sorted. I hope I can get there, too. I want to get out of the marriage but I want everyone to be happy. So hard.

Vernazza Thu 30-Jul-15 16:33:26

OP I will send you a private message xx

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now