Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Met once and now given a gift - any advice?(193 Posts)
So I've got a little bit of a strange situation, well, it's strange to me anyway as it's not happened to me before.
So I'm part of this group of people with similar interests (bikes), some I've met some I haven't but I invited them all to meet up at a local show. One of them was a guy my age, I'd not met him before but he's spoken to a little online here and there. Commented on my posts etc..
He was with me through the day and we got on well, as I tend to with most people If they are nice. He also bought me food there, and I said not to at first but he insisted, so I accepted and said I'd get the drinks then, but he got them as well.
After that we are now messaging each other quite a lot online. He's being very sweet, calling me pretty, saying he wants to give me hugs etc... next time we meet, saying I am such a nice person.
At the show we was talking about bike stuff, I said I need to save for new tyres and also as my helmet is old and cheap I need a new one.
Online he asked if I could help him design something for him, So I said I could give it a go, can't promise anything amazing..
The next thing I know, he is saying he wants to get me a new helmet or new tyres (Neither are cheap!) for my time and being so nice...
I haven't even done the design yet and I didn't want anything for it, I don't even know if I can do a good job with it...
I kept telling him no, I didn't want anything, in a polite way, just a thankyou and a hug when we meet next (He seems nice and I wouldn't mind getting to know him more, but take it slow).
Then he messages me a screenshot of the order he made today. I tell him I can't believe he did that and I will give him the money for them. (I wasn't planning on buying them till a month or two when I've saved some more)
But he refuses to give me his paypal and says theres no way he'll accept money back for them as it's a gift and he wants me to be safe.
But now I feel really awkward, I feel like a lot of pressure to do a really good design but I don't think I have the skill/ability/time to. And what's freaking me out a little is that he's only actually met me once for half a day and he knows hardly anything about me.
He does seem very nice but am I missing something?
Does anyone have any advice? This is very strange to me (My ex of 6 years didn't often buy me gifts and often couldn't afford to, even at xmas and my birthday sometimes.)
It sounds like he is infatuated. He probably means well but will he need your address to send the gifts on? If so, I'd be a bit careful as he is a bit intense. He might just be a lovely, if over-eager, guy.
this isn't good, and the clues are in your own post:
I feel really awkward, I feel like a lot of pressure ....freaking me out...he's only actually met me once for half a day and he knows hardly anything about me.
You are feeling pressured, uncomfortable and freaked. And you've only known him half a day. The short answer is that you need to distance yourself.
The longer answer is that you don't know this guy at all, and he is creating a relationship and forcing the pace. IME that's a very early warning of control. Notice how you refused something and he insisted, not taking no for an answer? In fact, he did it twice. That's taking control again.
See this quote on refusing to hear 'no':
The unsolicited and extravagant gift is also a big warning. It looks like a nice gesture - but it's a manipulative tool. You don't know him, it's out of place, and you feel obliged.
Keep saying no, and don't shift from it.
This scenario is dripping with red flags, imo. I'm really sorry.
Thanks for your reply bestguess23
Yes he will need my address to send them to me, he did ask for it before he made the order when he was first talking about it, but I wouldn't tell him so that he wouldn't order it, but he still did anyway.
He doesn't seem creepy or weird when I met him, I don't feel concerned over safety really, but I find it veeeeerrry strange, I can't come to terms with why someone would do that. Surely it's kind words and small tokens at the most at first!
Hi Trackrbird, Thank you.
Well those sorts of things you have mentioned do worry me, just from hearing and reading and seeing stories of controlling relationships etc..
The flags have been risen to me, which is why I've come to seek advice but at the same time I feel I may be looking into it too much maybe? He does 'seem' generally a nice guy.. My last relationship has taught me to be more careful and watch for signs, and stick up for myself more and one of the main things that is kind of stuck with me that has happened in my last 2 longer relationships is at first they say lovely things then down the line that fades and all the 'promises' they make were just lies XD
Thing is I don't want to accept the gift but now I would feel bad also if I don't.
Don't let him make you feel bad - I know it's easier said than done, but you really really don't habe any obligation to him at all
Hi Closer.., So do you think I should accept it anyway and try not to feel bad?
No, I think you should stand firm that it is too much and not feel bad about hurting his feelings / rejecting the present
I would respond wth something like 'it is very noce when you meet someone that you get on with but ordering them expensive presents against their will is a huge red flag. So thanks but no thanks.'
I don't think him repeatedly ignoring your express wishes is particularly nice or harmless. His thoughtfulness
aggressive gift giving appears to be on his terms and has little to do with your feelings.
You're already feeling bad about your perfectly valid feelings and so I would worry that the imbalance (of you and him prioritising his feelings) would make it very hard work going forward. Agressive gift giving is a short cut, it is employed to gain an immediate advantage by making the recipient feel beholden. Do not accept the gift and proceed with caution.
As you seem to like him and think there may be potential there, in your shoes I would accept the presents but firmly saying you wish to pay him at the point when you were going to buy them anyway. He will huff and puff and say no but when the time comes to pay him, if he doesn't want to accept the money, get really arsey with him and say you won't take no for an answer and you will cease the friendship and mean it. This will make him understand you won't be moulded into what he wants
instant girlfriend just add water and that you have agency in your own right.
Quite frankly, your design could look like a ferret eating a cheese and onion Cornetto, it would make no odds by the sounds of it. Slow it down a lot by not immediately answering his messages etc. Set the pace a bit yourself.
I really wouldn't accept them no matter how well-meaning his intentions. It would be bad enough accepting an unsolicited expensive gift from a good friend let alone someone you barely know.
He's coming on far too strongly and it's putting you off making you feel pressurised and awkward. Distance yourself, you don't need to explain why but if you can, do.
It may be salvageable, it may not. Depends on his reaction. He could turn nasty or bitter if you 'reject' him/his gifts. Or he could be decent about it and see sense.
You are right to be wary of anyone coming on too strongly, even if there was no romantic element involved you'd feel stifled if this was a new friend. I wonder if he will back off? He sounds heavily over-invested and it's not a healthy sign.
Do not take the gift its wrapped with serious intent.
Who buys anyone a gift after knowing them less than a day.
You do not know this man or any of his friends or family at this stage.
And I have to ask are you looking for a relationship at this stage of your life or just enjoying where you are in the moment.
I would back of with talking to him as well.
Big red Flags here.
Trust yourself here what do you feel about it all.
Do you want to see him again?
Can you say you couldn't possibly accept the expensive gift as you have only met once but if you get to know each other maybe you could in the future?
It does sound like he could turn out to be stalkerish weird. In which case tell him politely and firmly you don't want the gift, don't give him your address, block his number and disappear.
Very strange behaviour. I wouldn't accept the gift or share my address.
I wouldn't have even agreed to him buying food and drink: it is actually not hard with practice to decline even pushy people on those things. They, not you, are the ones being rude.
You shouldn't feel bad at all for declining his gift: again, he's created the issue and these are simply the consequences.
HUUUGE red flags!
Cycle away, very very far away.
He will not take NO for an answer, will he? With big things, or little things. Imagine a relationship based on that.
He will do what HE wants, whether you want it, feel uncomfortable with it, actively ask him not to do it.
He will say 'but you said you wanted this'
He will not just behave like this about bikes and food.
Buy your own helmet and keep safe
He's simply trying to buy your affection so you are going to have to be firm with him. Tell him straight that you are not interested in him in a romantic way, he is not your type etc. You could even tell a white lie and say that you are in a relationship (maybe you are) and that your boyfriend is not comfortable with what's going on.
I would tell him you won't accept these gifts, they make you feel uncomfortable and that if he respects you, he will not push this any further. Then just don't accept delivery!
If you feel their could be something developing he needs t9v understand where your lines in the sand are!
Only things I can think of to make it not quit so weird are
A) does he have loads of money so doesn't think its an expensive gift? One of those clueless rich people
B) does he have very little experience with women? Watched one too many rom com's and thinks a big gesture is a good idea to show he likes you?
I don't think he's necessarily controlling just from that but he could be but he could also just be infatuated and a bit clueless
I don't thing he sounds controlling, but he does sound VERY full on. I wouldn't accept the gifts and i'd back of from the online chatting if i were in your shoes.
I think it's impossible for us to know whether he's a controlling manipulative arse, or clumsily thinking this is good seduction.
What we do know, is that he over rides your clear wishes.
Do not accept them, and do not feel bad for it. If he can't accept that, RUN.
You are NOT for sale.
If you fancy him, go on a date. If he can't respect your wishes though, don't bother.
And I absolutely wouldn't tell a white lie.
After 2 dates my fledgling boyfriend wanted to buy me some shoes that cost £500 ()
We have had a massive spark and are both looking for a serious relationship - though no idea if it will be with each other. So he was actually my boyfriend, more than this guy is to you.
I said no.
No white lies.
I just told him - I'm not comfortable with that. No drama. He respected it.
You shouldn't date anyone who can't accept your no, or if you feel guilty.
I reckon the design thing is bull and he's asked you to do it as an excuse for him to buy you an expensive present.
I think that your instincts are working absolutely fine OP, you're astute and aware and keeping yourself safe.
Stick with the "I cannot accept such a generous gift, I told you no thank you and to be honest I'll start to feel a little uncomfortable if I feel that you're ignoring my wishes".
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.