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DH thinks we don't have sex enough. Is he right?

(168 Posts)
Airyhutt Wed 29-Jul-15 19:23:43

NC for this because DH knows my login.

DH works away during the week. On weekends when he's home we have sex once or twice. He has decided this isn't enough and calls me frigid for not wanting to have more sex. In a joking way, but also meaning it. We have been together for twelve years and have three children. From conversations with friends, it seems that once or twice a week is actually an above average amount of sex to have, particularly when you have young children. DH thinks either that I am lying or that my friends are lying and that he is having a lot less sex than is normal so he feels hard done by.

My problem is that I have body issues and am unhappy about my weight, which means I often don't feel attractive and this means I don't want to have sex. He knows this, but doesn't accept it as a valid reason because he thinks it reflects on him, that I don't find him attractive enough.

It doesn't help that, when he was sick and taking it out on me, he called me a fat fuck and even now he goes on about how fat I am, even though he says he still finds me attractive. When he left on Monday morning, he reminded me to lose weight and work on my attractiveness.

I know he probably seems like a shit husband, but there is a lot of background with his own parents, particularly his father (who was obese), underlying how he behaves when it comes to marriage and I don't want to give up on our relationship just because he has suddenly got an idea about how much sex he should be having. I think if he actually talked to people about it, he would find out that actually we do have a reasonable amount of sex, but of course he won't ask anyone. So I am asking: is he justified in his complaint?

flowery Wed 29-Jul-15 19:25:13

I can't imagine why anyone would want to be intimate with someone who tells them they are fat and not attractive enough.

Branleuse Wed 29-Jul-15 19:26:00

no he isnt. Hes rude and nasty

LillyBugg Wed 29-Jul-15 19:26:02

He is absolutely not justified! I would agree that once or twice a week (particularly when your week is actually only the weekend) is well above average. There are so many issues here OP I'm not really sure where to start! Please be assured he is wrong here, not you. I hope other posters can come along with some great advice for you.

Ouchbloodyouch Wed 29-Jul-15 19:27:18

If anyone called me a fat fuck they certainly wouldn't be getting a fuck.

HermioneWeasley Wed 29-Jul-15 19:28:21

I'm surprised you want to have sex with him at all. He tells you to lose weight and work on your attractiveness?!

I'd lose him

BitchPeas Wed 29-Jul-15 19:30:41

He called you a fat fuck??!! And reminded you to 'lose weight and work on your attractiveness shock

Is he at the peak of physical perfection? Didn't think so hmm

I would never shag him again after that. Self righteous prick.

ShitHotAwesome Wed 29-Jul-15 19:33:09

Sex life should be a two way street - both partners have to work to find a balance that suits both libidos so nobody can say that X amount is "enough" really.

Having said that, twice a week when you only see him at the weekend sounds grand to me. If he isn't happy about it, he needs to understand that griping about it (and thus turning it into a chore) and calling you fat or unattractive is really, really, really not going to help.

You understand his wants with regards to more sex. Does he know what you would like? Hopefully, he would like to hear and act on it so that you can both have a mutually enjoyable sex life.

He sounds pretty awful in your post but, of course, it's focused on one particular issue that is making you feel bad. I hope he is nice to you and supportive in other areas of life.

sensiblesometimes Wed 29-Jul-15 19:34:15

He is awful ..he's awful to you re read what you have written, what would you say to anther woman who had written this. ..stop.making excuses for him ..
He only comes home at the weekend , you have small children , how are you supposed to find the time for more than twice

VagelinaJolie Wed 29-Jul-15 19:34:59

Firstly, if he loves you he doesn't speak to you so disrespectfully. The right amount of sex is that which both partners want to participate in. If he can't get that through his head, then he is being vu. I'm a fat fuck, but if my dh told me to lose weight BECAUSE he doesn't find me attractive I'd be kicking the twat to the kerb. My dh loves me and finds me attractive no matter how I change over the years. (As I do him)

ReggaeShark Wed 29-Jul-15 19:35:00

To purely answer your main question (ignoring the other horrifying information, which is difficult) once or twice a weekend when you are sole in charge of 3 children all week is very healthy imo. Now, him calling you (his WIFE) a fat, frigid fuck... that's a whole other, more important problem.

Fairylea Wed 29-Jul-15 19:37:11

You lost me at him calling you a "fat fuck". Who the fuck speaks to their partner - or anyone - like that? !

He's absolutely vile. To he honest I'm surprised you want to have sex with him at all, ever.

Enchufla Wed 29-Jul-15 19:38:09

I wouldnt want to have sex with someone who called me a fat fuck either. Twice a week when hes away all week is perfectly reasonable. Would you be happy with less or do you feel like you have to have sex with him?

zzzzz Wed 29-Jul-15 19:43:55

Why don't you leave him with the kids for the weekend and go and remember who you are?

He is behaving like a prick. Go have some fun and let him work out how to make you WANT to have more sex with him.

Twinklestein Wed 29-Jul-15 19:43:57

He's called you 'frigid', a liar, and a 'fat fuck', why are you even considering having sex with him?

And why are you measuring the 'right amount of sex on what other people do? Do they have a rude arsehole for a husband? My choice would be never.

PatriciaHolm Wed 29-Jul-15 19:44:03

Read your OP back to yourself and imagine it was an email to you from a friend.

What would your advice be? I'm betting it wouldn't be "oh dear poor bloke". It would be tell him to sod off, surely?

He seems to have some fantasy life in which he comes home to a playboy model who wants nothing more than a weekend of shagging. You are not delivering, so in his mind that's your fault. He's not a very nice bloke, is he?

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Wed 29-Jul-15 19:44:18

How exactly does he want you to work on your attractiveness?

How does he work on his?

Offred Wed 29-Jul-15 19:44:41

I don't want to give up on our relationship just because he has suddenly got an idea about how much sex he should be having

He doesn't think he isn't having as much sex as other people.

He doesn't want more sex.

He gets off on diminishing and disrespecting you and this is just more of that.

If his parents/childhood had problems that is not an excuse for his utterly despicable behaviour but it is a very good reason for you to expect that he will never change his behaviour towards him.

If you are not going to consider leaving him then at least consider what staying with him will really be like. I'd put money on him playing away whilst working away, likely on him paying for prostitutes because he seems to view women as jewellery for his cock. You will have a life time of him abusing and diminishing you. You already seem very casual about how he treats you and it will only get worse over time, not better IMO.

He seems like a shit husband because he is a shit husband IMO.

Offred Wed 29-Jul-15 19:45:15

*towards you!

Offred Wed 29-Jul-15 19:48:29

Imagine if a stranger walked up to you in the street and called you frigid and a fat fuck, told you to lose weight and work on your attractiveness...

How would you feel?

Because it's worse that it is someone who is meant to love you who is saying these things to you not better.

HelenMirrensHair Wed 29-Jul-15 19:52:11

Just to give you some real life info, no kids, live full time with OH. Twice a week sounds on the high side when you only have the weekends together.

We average about that and from some very frank chats with friends they consider that on the high side.

HOWEVER, if he ever called me any of the names above it would be a cold day in Hell before I'd be having sex with him again.

Oh and as an aside when I was injured a few years ago we didn't have sex for well over 6 months, and not once did he complain.

He's a total dickhead.

defineme Wed 29-Jul-15 19:52:27

What he calls you made me feel sick-honestly, if your partner isn't nice to you and on your side, what is the point of the relationship? Would he call his boss or friend or parent or child a fat fuck? Why is he picking on you? Belittling you? I can't believe nyiu are lowering yourself to have any sex withhim tbh.

MarkRuffaloCrumble Wed 29-Jul-15 19:54:33

Can I suggest you post this again under your usual user name? I presume your H reads your posts and for some strange reason you don't want him to see that not only is he being unreasonable about the frequency he gets sex (twice in 2 days is pretty bloody impressive by most couples' standards) but he really doesn't deserve sex at all with his appalling attitude to you.

Maybe it would do him good to stumble across this thread where every single person is in agreement that he is a vile arsehole.

I'm sorry you're married to someone so horrid Airy and I'm sorry that you obviously feel trapped with him and don't even have the privacy of an anonymous forum to seek advice without him nosying into it. It will make leaving TB much harder for you, but I'm with everyone else, if someone said that to me, I would never have sex with them again.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 29-Jul-15 19:54:50

Abusive ex used to complain he never got enough sex.

I hated sex for a long time because of they way he behaved towards me.

Current DP loves me and treats me like an equal and never pressures me for sex, he also reckons I'm insanely hot and tells me so. Even when I feel like I look like shit he behaves and tells me as if I'm the sexiest thing he's ever seen.
I rather enjoy having sex with DP.

tilliebob Wed 29-Jul-15 19:55:47

If he was my DH he'd only be having sex with his hand! confused

My DH loves my fat overweight body and he loved my thin underweight body too, because he loves ME, not just my outer wrapping.

My DH could have sex everyday and still think it's not enough overgrown teenager but he doesn't sulk or resort to verbal abuse. We have good spells and bad spells but the important thing is that it's good whenever it happens.

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