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How do you accept that the person you loved doesn't exist anymore?

(16 Posts)
purpleshimmer Wed 29-Jul-15 18:44:00

He either has just completely changed or he never really was.

But the person I thought was the love of my life, my best friend and meant the world to me.

How do you start to accept that he's not that person now.

He's hurt me so much and the man I was in love with and told me a those wonderful things we that man would never have hurt me...but he has.

I can't seem to get my head around it. I should hate him but I can't,

How do u accept that someone can let you down so much?

flatbellyfella Wed 29-Jul-15 19:23:42

I would say, he never really was, people don't just change like that. Good honest people are always that way, sly impersonators of good people show their true colours sooner or later, looks like yours was of the later kind. I can feel your pain in your words. flowers best wishes.

purpleshimmer Wed 29-Jul-15 20:14:41

Thank you for replying.

I think you're right. A decent person wouldn't just change. It's more s case of the mask slipping and true colours being shown.
It just hurts like hell because it's like I'm pining for someone who just does not exist apart from in my memory/imagination.

It's so confusing and has completely shaken my sense of self and made me question my poor judgement and also made me feel like I can never trust again

flatbellyfella Wed 29-Jul-15 21:21:07

You don't have poor judgement, you truly were deceived in this instance, you had more bad luck rather than bad judgement, don't give up hope of finding a good partner, they are out there. Trust has to be judged on actions, so give it time.

hollieberrie Wed 29-Jul-15 21:48:25

Hi OP. I am a year on from an awful breakup and i struggled with these feelings for a long time.

I still do feel the way you are describing, but much less strongly than i used to. The only things that have helped me are NC, time and counselling. I am now in a place where i have accepted that he can never have been the person that i thought he was and the person he portrayed himself to be. Hard to accept as we lived together and had been together for a long time, i thought i knew him. But as flatbellyfella says, i think his true colours came out eventually.

Tbh i try to think of him as dead now. At least dead to me anyway, and NC has really helped with that. I dont know know anything about what he's doing or who he's with and that helps.

My sense of self was definitely shaken and my faith in humanity but its coming back now. There are lots of kind, good people in the world. We just fell in love with the wrong ones. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug. Hang in there, time will help i promise x

LovesPeace Wed 29-Jul-15 21:55:14

This might sound odd, but I processed my ex's vile behaviour as him being infected by zombies.
It wasn't his fault he'd been bitten by a member of the undead so I grieved for the ex as the partner I thought he was, lit candles in his nice memory, etc.
But when I had dealings with him, I knew that although he looked a bit like my ex, he was a shuffling evil zombie. This enabled me to detach and fret him with the cold, cruelty I needed to protect myself from his brain scoffing twattishness.
No brainer. :D

LovesPeace Wed 29-Jul-15 21:55:45

* treat him

flatbellyfella Wed 29-Jul-15 21:56:12

The no contact is definatly the way to get over him, as holliberrie points out.

Flangeshrub Thu 30-Jul-15 07:35:25

It's my 10 year wedding anniversary today. Affair discovered 3rd January. Mine is a cold monster and hid it all the time I knew him but there were clues.
I now refer to him as 'meat suit' as that is all he is just a big lump of meat, I have no idea who he 'is' inside. Definitely dead emotionally.
I've also discovered recently, or at least the penny has dropped that bitterness and anger are entirely wasted on people who are dead inside (like my ex). He feels nothing. No shame, guilt, respect for me as the mother of his children, compassion, nothing. Raging at him is pointless as he can't even hear me, I am less than shit on his shoe.
Now I realise what I am to him - I'm getting over it faster. The anger has dissipated.

rouxlebandit Thu 30-Jul-15 07:42:12

Doesn't anyone want to know what he's done? I do, otherwise this is all too vague for me to make a comment.

purpleshimmer Thu 30-Jul-15 18:39:40

It's the usual scenario I suppose.

Thought he loved me. Proposed at Christmas. We had been together 3 years but dated before when we were teenagers. Found each other again after 13 years. Promised me the fairytale ending.

Despite going through hell and back last year after loosing our son to a late miscarriage I thought we were back on track. We had a holiday booked for us all. Me and my children him and his child.

He was the perfect partner until he took on a second evening job earlier this year for extra cash. Turns out at said job he met a young girl.

Out of the blue our relationship ended after a fight. A fight he pushed and pushed me into. And blamed me for asking him to leave. Instead of talking and trying to sort things in the days following he just ignored me completely. 5 weeks later he has a "new" girlfriend. (Said young girl)....Totally gutted me and he knows it. He knows me too well and he went about advertising this information in the most hurtful way possible. There really was no need to be so cruel. No respect for me at all and that hurts.

All we've been through. All I've done for him. I picked him up when he had a breakdown last year. I helped him back to health. He lived with us. We made a home and a family. Now I am so heartbroken and he doesn't care one bit and seemed to take great pleasure in hurting me more.

The man I loved wouldn't dream of doing that. Of walking away without talking. Not one adult conversation about ending things or telling me the truth. Just gone. Cut himself out of my life and my beautiful kids who adored him. (And I thought he loved them too).

I have NC. Everything is blocked and deleted now but I see his car now and again. Friends have seen him. I keep getting snippets of where he is, where he works now etc. I wish he would move away or something.

It's really hard to accept all this and move on.

I'm too soft for my own good. I never fall out with people and it really upsets me when others do. I find it really sad that people who loved each other just don't speak anymore.

And in our case we lost a child. It was traumatic and heart wrenching. The funeral aswell.

How can he just walk away? And to go with someone so damn different?

15 years younger and a loud mouth. Not like me at all. I'm obviously not what he really wanted but he did a bloody great job at acting like I was.

It must have all been a lie, and that really really hurts.

I want to be angry and I want to forget but it's been nearly 5 months now and I just don't feel like I'm getting anywhere

hollieberrie Thu 30-Jul-15 22:56:21

This is very similar to what happened to me OP. I won't bore you with whole saga, but strikingly similar and now he has also cut me out like I never existed and is with someone else.

So sorry. I'm a year on and all I can advise is NC and keep going. I am less of a mess than I was but still very hard. It's almost like the whole relationship was a dream to be honest.

To me it screams NPD. Have you researched it at all? The idealise, devalue, discard cycle is what they all do apparently. It's a total head fuck to try and understand.

flowers for you. Keep going, time will help. Can you ask your friends not to tell you anything about him? I find that's helped me, I just pretend he's dead x

hollieberrie Thu 30-Jul-15 22:57:27

Also so sorry for the loss of your son flowers

rouxlebandit Fri 31-Jul-15 17:52:39

I'm also sorry for the loss of your son as we lost our first child - a beautiful daughter - late in the pregnancy. The memory of it still affects us but more so my wife all these years later. It's obviously harder for a woman because it's as if the baby is part of her. You really need a loving husband to support you, or rather you should be supporting each other.
You don't deserve this. xxx (can't figure out how add flowers, can someone help me)

purpleshimmer Fri 31-Jul-15 19:33:46

Thank you both.

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. It is heartbreaking and something people don't understand unless they've been through it.

We should have supported each other but I think somehow we lost our way, I'm not making excuses for him but I do think a big part of all this is him running away from reality and trying to block me and the past out.
It doesn't ease the pain for me though. After all this pain over 18 months and now I'm left hurting again by the one person who I thought would love and protect me forever.

It feels horrible.
I am really sorry for your loss too. Our babies were meant for better things. That's how I like to think of it anyway xx

purpleshimmer Fri 31-Jul-15 19:36:37

Hollieberrie.......I have looked a little into NPD but I'm not convinced he has this but certainly has some traits.

I completely understand how you feel with regards to being discarded and cut out. I feel like a whirlwind has just swept through and left me feeling bewildered.

I hope you go from strength to strength as time goes on xx

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