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After 23 years is this all there is?

(11 Posts)
Ishtar2410 Wed 29-Jul-15 16:42:15

Feeling a little bit blah really. DH is away on business and it's given me some space to think about how things are going and I'm not sure how I feel about our relationship right now.

There are many niggles, I guess that's normal when you've been married this long? Problem is, I don't think I like him right now, and that's quite hard to face. I think I still love him though.

There are many little things, some big things, that are making me really question it all, but the thing that has really made me think was when DS (6) stood on a glass cold frame at MILs and fell through.

Thankfully he is OK, he cut the top of his foot - it needed glueing but could have been much worse. No-one was watching him, yet they were all in the garden (I wasn't there). He called to tell me he was on the way to the hospital and could I meet him there - I admit I could have handled it better, I was quite angry that no-one was keeping an eye on DS. We had a huge argument the day after which culminated in him repeatedly calling me a "stupid woman", with his face inches from mine, for behaving the way I did. My 'crime'? I asked whether the bleeding was slow or spurting. Apparently I was condescending towards him.

DD (10) has recently said that he told her I was too hard on him. This was after she fell off her scooter and needed a plaster - he told her that he thought I'd probably moan at him again. Obviously I didn't.

I object to being called stupid (who wouldn't?), and I told him so after he had cooled down. He claims doesn't remember saying it.

There's no-one in RL that I am able to talk to yet. I know I need to talk to him, but the 'stupid woman' incident has made me reluctant to do so, and over the years there have been a number of discussions that have been turned around to be my fault.

Not after any sympathy, just need to get it down somewhere. Trying to get some clarity.
Thanks for reading.

Hedgehogparty Wed 29-Jul-15 16:51:56

I don't like the stupid woman comment.
Does he often insult you like that?
What's the relationship like overall?

FriendofBill Wed 29-Jul-15 17:03:10

Where was the frame?
Why was it there?
Did DH know?
Was DH entertaining company? Who else was there?

Ishtar2410 Wed 29-Jul-15 17:06:04

No. He hasn't really insulted me over the years. Sworn in my general direction a few times, but has never gone in for the full on insult.

We used to have a really good relationship, lots of fun, love and laughter. Can't put my finger on when it changed to being like this, has happened over the past couple of years I guess. It's not much fun right now.

Ishtar2410 Wed 29-Jul-15 17:09:20

Frame was (probably still is, most likely won't have been moved) in MILs back garden. It's been there for as long as I can remember - probably since they moved there over 40 years ago. DH was aware that it was there.

Not entertaining company, just visiting his mum and brother. They were all in the garden.

museumum Wed 29-Jul-15 17:11:13

That's a horrible thing for him to say but tbh I'd forgive most things in the heat of the moment when a child has had a terrifying accident and you're on your way to A&E.
I think you should focus more on how your interactions and relationship are in normal calm times. Is he disrespectful in ordinary situations?

Hedgehogparty Wed 29-Jul-15 17:11:24

Could you just go out together and talk this over? If things used to be good perhaps with effort and time they can be again.
Bringing up kids is hard work and tiring, it's easy to lose focus on partnerships.

He needs to understand though that he can't speak to you like that - lack of respect issue or tell your DD stuff that he should be telling you?

FriendofBill Wed 29-Jul-15 18:29:51

It sounds like he just took his eye of the ball.
He then took it out on you.
Sounds like he doesn't 'get it' from what he said to DD, so that needs clarifying.
If you could have a calm honest conversation about it?

Ask first if it's convenient to talk.
If so, offer a cuppa.
Make it clear that you are not blaming him for the accident. After all, accidents happen and thankfully no major harm done.
Say that it is still bothering you that he said that, how it has affected you.

FriendofBill Wed 29-Jul-15 18:30:53

If he didn't offer an apology at that point I would definitely be questioning the future.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 29-Jul-15 18:34:44

Relationships ebb and flow. I've been married close to 30 years, my sons are grown now. And there have been times of 'how could I live without you' and times of 'why am I even here'.

Try to set the incidents regarding the children to the side, just for now. It's a 'symptom', not the 'cause' (I'm not excusing his name calling). Since he's gone for a bit, try to think about what you want for your life while you have this time on your own. Are you deeply unhappy with your marriage and/or the way he treats you? Or is the marriage itself solid, and you're just 'bored' with the status quo and need or want something other than your usual routine? Decide that before you decide about your marriage.

As far as his calling you stupid, it's wrong to do that, but many things get said in the heat of anger. It's up to you to decide if it's part of a pattern emerging in his behaviour. And whilst I'm not suggesting there's justification for his behaviour, also examine your own. Are things 'getting to you' more easily than they did before? Do you feel you are 'finding fault' with him more frequently. Again, I'm not suggesting that any of these things are actually happening, just 'points to ponder'.

There are many people living in unhappy relationships that should leave. But there are also people who throw good (or salvageable) relationships away before they really think it through.

Ishtar2410 Wed 29-Jul-15 19:41:21

Thanks for your replies. Hedgehogparty, FriendofBill I agree that we haven't taken as much time to talk as we perhaps should have - demands of the children and work have got in the way. It's a good idea to make some time without distraction and I think sooner rather than later.

museummum, he's generally respectful and usually reasonably calm. I think FriendofBill is right - he took his eye off the ball, then took it out on me.

Plenty of food for thought AcrossthePond55, yes I may be finding fault with him more often than usual, and perhaps even finding him getting to me a bit more. Our marriage is strong, maybe there is an element of 'boredom' - we do much the same thing every day. He tends to work most evenings and I watch the TV. Bad habits to get into....but by the time the DCs are in bed I'm ready to collapse in a heap and hardly able to string a sentence together.

It's quite telling, though, that he has just phoned and my heart 'jumped' like it used when we were first together. There's my answer I think, I don't want to walk away from it, but it needs some work.

Thanks everyone smile

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