Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Losing attraction in a LT relationship, does gender matter?

(11 Posts)
Interdasty Wed 29-Jul-15 16:02:39

From reading this forum and others I have seen the same posts over and over. Men lose attraction because the DP/DW puts on weight or ''lets herself go'' in other ways, it is almost always physical. Women lose attraction because their DH doesn't remember birthdays or anniversaries, doesn't take her out, doesn't compliment her, doesn't have regular conversations, doesn't appreciate her work around the house, doesn't make her feel special, doesn't spend enough time together, doesn't help around the house .... of course many women also dislike it their partner getting bald or fat to some extent but it seems to be a tiny, tiny part of it, especially when compared to men. I've never heard a man say he can't have sex with his wife because she doesn't take him out to dinner or doesn't feel she is thankful for the paycheck he brings in every week.

I guess what I'm asking is why is attraction or the loss of it in a LT or marriage so different for men and women?

laurierf Wed 29-Jul-15 16:12:36

Interdasty, I suggest you are not reading posts on here closely enough then, because cheating/leaving male partners cite all sorts of reasons for their behaviour (not being made to feel special enough, not being appreciated enough, feeling neglected, feeling bored etc. etc.).

Given your recent posts in FWR, this is really your focus I suspect:

I've never heard a man say he can't have sex with his wife because she doesn't take him out to dinner or doesn't feel she is thankful for the paycheck he brings in every week

Interdasty Wed 29-Jul-15 16:20:33

That's what I said. Women's reasons are almost always related to behaviour/psychology/interaction , men's are related to visual/physical attraction. Why?

badtime Wed 29-Jul-15 16:30:02

Are you American, or did you just copy and paste that from an American forum? (a lot of the sentiments and some of the spelling is more typical of the US than the UK)

For the most part, traditional gender roles do not have the same level of adherence in the UK, which is why I think your claim to have come to this conclusion after having read a single thread on MN is a bit unlikely.

yazz21 Wed 29-Jul-15 16:37:04

I get what you're saying. I can't say whether this is true for cases or not, because I've never asked anyone this.

However, I personally feel much more ready to be intimate with dp when I feel appreciated and like he's bothering. If he's half arsing things. Sex is likely to be off the table.

I think for me its because I want/need an established emotional connection, before a physical one.

Perhaps for men its the other way around? <Totally grasping at straws there!>

Interdasty Wed 29-Jul-15 16:40:42

I'm neither american or british and I didn't copy this from anywhere. Literally every thread on MN (and there are zillions of them) where a woman wants to leave and DV or OW is not involved is because of one the reasons I mentioned. And what does sexual attraction, which is primal and intrinsic, have to do with cultural gender roles?

laurierf Wed 29-Jul-15 16:40:48

That's what I said. Women's reasons are almost always related to behaviour/psychology/interaction , men's are related to visual/physical attraction

eh? Read my post:

male partners cite all sorts of reasons for their behaviour (not being made to feel special enough, not being appreciated enough, feeling neglected, feeling bored etc. etc.).

yazz21 Wed 29-Jul-15 16:41:32

Wait, I take that last part back. Perhaps for some men, that are stereotypical in their display of gender roles? Does that sound better? I imagine a lot of me would prefer emotional connection before physical.

yazz21 Wed 29-Jul-15 16:45:31

Maybe you mean why do some peoples reasons relate to psychology/behaviou/interaction and other peoples reasons relate to visual/physical reasons?

Think I've got it right now

laurierf Wed 29-Jul-15 17:33:51

I think what's meant is that men's "primal" and "intrinsic" urge is to have sex with attractive women (or at least one's who've not "let themselves go") and women's "primal" and "intrinsic" urge is to be pampered by men. Thus women do not care when male partners "let themselves go" as long as they are being suitably spoilt/served, whilst men are happy to continue to spoil/serve their female partners as long as they don't "let themselves go". This is all "primal" and "intrinsic".

DorisDazzler Wed 29-Jul-15 19:43:11

I don't think there's any difference at all in gender regarding loss of attraction.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now