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Lack of support from dh and no real life friends

(7 Posts)
whatisforteamum Wed 29-Jul-15 13:47:30

Just that really.I was happy enough 2 yrs ago.Dh and i didnt really get on that well but we worked lots of hrs and were busy bringing up the dcs.
My lovely job changed hands and in the coming months all the people nearer my age left leaving me with lovely colleagues less than half my age.My hrs changed too.DH had a heart attack and has since had depression ED mood swings hearing problems and lately a slipped disc trapping a nerve. So now with his inability to do overtime i have taken on more hrs as we dont earn much.
Last week i was off sick as my boss kept giving me more hrs despite me saying i had too many and my df who has terminal cancer was v ill and now has emergency meds.Several colleagues went out on my first day back so no support there and i was pretty busy.
My dh has been making an effort the last few weeks however he wont discuss things like our 18 yr old dd going to college as he feels we should foot the large travel bill (eventhough she hasnt done anything for a yr and i dont think she will stick the course).He wont discuss the fact our ds rarely goes anywhere except school and lacks drive eventhough ds witnesses dh shouting at me im sure this affects him.
Every subject is out of bounds so i feel like a single parent tbh.Added to the fact i dont know anyone my age to pop out with as i work shifts different days each week and weekends.
I was considering another job as i removed some colleagues after un plesant comments and misunderstandings over dying df now i just feel lonely as im not sure accepting a new job is a good idea when df has months to live.I would previously have turned to DH however his temper aimed at me makes me feel worse about myself.We ve been together 28 yrs and ive worked in the same place for 11.What would you do ?

uglyswan Wed 29-Jul-15 14:41:58

Oh, OP, I'm sorry, that sounds really tough flowers.
What would I do? First of all, I would contact your union rep about the issue with your hours. Are any of your coworkers affected by this or is it just you? Ditto the remarks about your DF - have you got a record of them? Because that sort of thing is really unnaceptable and should be passed along to HR.

I'm hoping some wiser MNetters will be on here shortly for advice re your family situation, but your husband does not get to refuse to discuss your children's problems with you, he does not get to make financial decisions on his own and he certainly does not get to shout at you (especially not in front of your son). Is he having treatment for his depression?

You sound really horribly lonely - are there any halfway decent coworkers you could have a chat with? What about your old co-workers, are you still in contact with them? Have they moved on to other workplaces, ones that might be recruiting?

Otherwise it sounds to me like you might want to meet a few new people - have you tried meetup?

pocketsaviour Wed 29-Jul-15 14:46:43

OP have you posted about your H before? and problems with your boss?

whatisforteamum Wed 29-Jul-15 15:47:38

yes several times.I couldnt decide whether to move on from him as i was quiet lonely and only lived for my job and dcs.Last yr we spent 2 days out together as he refused to go anywhere with me and wouldnt swop his once a month golf days eventhough my boss made me work sundays.and annual leave was taken for the school hols.Our dd dropped out of A levels afteer a yr and poor grades and hasnt made enough atempts to find work iMO.This hasnt bothered him as much as me.2 people have left out dept one thought it was dreadful and said i was abused basically and the place they ve gone too has work and he wants me there but agrees with Df very ill timing isnt great.
i took ds to the dentist last week and walking back he made some comment about how he could see me with a woman after living with dh.It was a joke however he did agree dhs outbursts arent good.Only sunday he ent looking at furniture with me and shouted so loud a woman looked over.I felt hurt tbh.
The colleagues who left some of them im not in touch with.My old boss and his wife were supportive and respectful however my new manager acted in abullying way going on about my age im late 40s saying how old i am.He is 40.Now one of my colleagues who stayed for the changeover and was supportive has joined in a bit being dissmissive of me and saying your parents are old and they will die anyway eventhough they both have incurable cancer and live nr me.They have battled for yrs now df is loosing the fight.
i have been invited out lots in the past and im not a great going out type preferring to get an early night or get chores done.I even work some of my hols as i get bored. Some of the people who left work have reported the boss officially.I did ask at our meeting not to get 80hrs in 2 weeks as im part time and was told it wasnt possible.Im contracted to 19 per week and have been helping out since people quit months ago.
Now im trapped with low income an angry dh who has had help for depression but the pills caused ED.and no one or nowhere to go but suck it all up. Last week i ran him a bath after his 6-7pm shift.Cooked his tea and he sat there in the lounge with just a dressing gown.when i pointed out pants would be good he got angry.He never thinks he has to wear them but i feel downstairs in the front room it would be decent and better for us all.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 29-Jul-15 16:18:15

Hello again Whatisforteamum I am sorry your DF is having a bad time of it and appreciate it must be tricky at work with trying to get time off in spite of the years of loyal service above and beyond. He has been ill for a while now and you can't really put your life on hold if the chance for alternative employment comes along.

Be careful you don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire(no pun intended). If this ex colleague is serious about a job opportunity look into it very carefully. Certainly working shifts it is very hard maintaining existing friendships let alone make new ones.

That said if your line of work has the kind of jungle drums that mean everyone knows everybody else who is job-hunting be careful your boss doesn't get wind of it. He can't stop you looking but from what you've said previously he might make life awkward.

Does your DD work at present? If I recall correctly she has 'golden child' status with DH showing endless patience that sadly he doesn't extend to DS. We all try and support our DCs as far as we can but as they get older we don't do them any favours if we forever bail them out. In this instance she has to give college a go so if she needs to have a helping hand with transport so be it. If you give off negative vibes and she does drop out, no prizes for guessing who will get the blame!

If while at home she can 'pay it back' through uncomplainingly doing what chores she can to help around the house it will be a help. If she earns something through seasonal or temporary work it can go towards lunches and toiletries and her outgoings.

You have a good bond with DS. If he leaves home after A levels you might feel ready to make a big change but he's a way off that.

whatisforteamum Wed 29-Jul-15 17:29:50

Hi donkeys yes i agree about dd and thanks for reminding me who would get the blame ha ha.I am just having a wobble as she isnt the most motivated person that said she has done plenty of chores while i was working 43 hrs a week and even left me some tea in the fridge smile.I stayed at my job as i loved it but so much of what i loved has changed im sure i wouldnt work there now if i turned up as a newbie.The younger members are polite and respectful to me though.I was offered another job with regular hrs but the early starts would mean i wasnt here to check dcs were on school buses and would ve caused me to worry as they are both bad at getting up.
The almost seperate lives seemed ok when everyone was well and i didnt mind all work no play maybe im having a midlife crisis now as i can see life is short and im missing out on fun. TBF dd has started to be more considerate of me maybe she realises dh s tempers are hard as he has shouted at her in the shops food shopping for the slightest thing.Harder to take off a previously even tempered person. Thank you for your sound advice though i know it is hard when watching someone very ill and talking about their funeral without all of lifes other demands smile

whatisforteamum Thu 30-Jul-15 09:06:53

Woke up happier as i have work today which is a huge distraction.It is only when im off i feel alone so i guess i have my answer,,,work work work.

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