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how do you cope in a doomed relationship that contains small children?

(17 Posts)
glasshouses88 Wed 29-Jul-15 10:30:23

Hi everyone, hope you are enjoying summer holidays.
I have posted on here a few times about my relationship....I have 2 boys, one by ex of 7 years, one with current oh 3 years together.
Relationship with oh doomed from start after he thought it was OK to sign up to many online dating/sex sites as "an extension of porn"...arrange meet up with girls in Thailand while on holiday there ... speak to girls on Facebook....swear on sons life he would stop...carry on and register on at least 3 cross dressing sites to "look for naughty girls".
Any who. ..2 years on I have an 8 month old with this guy and he is obviously my 4yo step dad (he still sees his real dad which I very much encourage)
I know I was a fool to believe him and stay.
Consequently I seen to have become a complete bitch to him...I can be passive aggressive, unaffectionate and bossy and tbh I'm not sure why he stays, he says he loves me, but I am unlovable.
This guy has tried to make it work with me, and has stuck with me even though I have asked him to leave twice. 1st time he left in felt heartbroken and unable to think or even speak Properly, 2nd time I felt more relaxed.
But my 4yo was asking after him, I felt guilty as I didn't want him to have a home without his real dad or step dad.and my baby I felt awful for him too...and that is essentially why we are together.
How have others coped? With children and with the guilt of not being a very nice person?? I have said we should go to counselling but he does not want to x

lifebeginsat42 Wed 29-Jul-15 10:48:26

Hmmm, in your own words this relationship was doomed from the start. I think sadly you are probably right. With the benefit of hindsight you probably shouldn't have had a child with him but it's done and there's no point looking backwards.

Your behaviour towards him has everything to do with his behaviour towards you. His sexual habits are extreme and not something most people in a relationship would be ok with. Frankly they would make me feel sick and I wonder how you've put up with it so long. You say you feel bad because of the person it's turning you into and you feel guilt about this. Staying with him is not an option and you must split up. It will be hard for you and the DCs initially, but it will get easier.

I really don't see you have any other option. This relationship sounds so broken and destructive that I don't see how it could be fixed.

Give yourself and your DC the chance of a happier and calmer life and please ask him to leave, and this time go through with it.

notrocketscience Wed 29-Jul-15 10:54:26

Sweetheart what are you doing? I want to give you a giant hug.

You are entitled to feel angry. His behaviour is completely unacceptable. No question. Of course he won't do counselling because it will mean him facing up to things and agreeing to change. He won't change as he is enjoying his need for sexual challenges and chases.

The problem is the anger you are directing at yourself. You describe your behaviour as "passive-aggressive" and call yourself a "bitch".

There is a thread on here called "Listen up everybody". Please read it and apply the wise words to your life.

Best wishes to you X

glasshouses88 Wed 29-Jul-15 11:00:30

Thanks lifebegins. As far as I'm aware he stopped this behaviour when I fell pg. I now feel it's my issue as that was nearly 2 years ago. I find it difficult to trust men as my mum told me from a young age that they can't be trusted, so once the trust is broken I seem to be very Unforgiving and defensive, which doesn't not sit well with me.
He even gets jealous of my 4yo as I shower him with so much love !!
But I think you are right, I should leave, which is what I've been told in the past, but I just feel sorry for dc

Offred Wed 29-Jul-15 11:04:47

What do you think counselling would help with?

You've tried for many years to override your feelings, counselling won't teach you to better ignore how you feel. Surely good counselling would empower you to listen to them?

Offred Wed 29-Jul-15 11:06:59

I find it difficult to trust men as my mum told me from a young age that they can't be trusted, so once the trust is broken I seem to be very Unforgiving and defensive, which doesn't not sit well with me.

You know what is happening here is not that you find it difficult to trust men don't you? You do trust men and then you react normally to a horrific breach of trust. The issue is you are not translating that into action perhaps because you feel this is just 'how men are' and you don't have a right to expect better?

Smorgasboard Wed 29-Jul-15 11:14:47

Start feeling sorry for your DC having to live in this situation. If your home life is miserable the children will pick up on it. In 10 years time they will have had first hand experience of what a dysfunctional relationship is like, but thinking it's normal, behave the same way. Would you really want that for your kids?

FolkGirl Wed 29-Jul-15 12:05:07

You appeae to have made the mistake of believing this man would change. Why oh why?!!!

Once the trust is broken, you're supposed to be unforgiving and not trust them. That's how it works. You're supposed to have dumped him then. The only mistake you are making here is staying with a disrespectful, untrustworthy dickhead and wondering why it's making you feel bad.

Well, you made your bed, do you really want to lie in it? Of course mot, so get out. Your children will be fine.

glasshouses88 Wed 29-Jul-15 12:08:49

I suppose I hoped the counselling would break down some walls , or in the very least bring comfort knowing we tried everything.

smorgasbord I do feel sorry for children, but I do my best to try and hide when we are picking at each other. Although I do admit that when things are bad I'm a lot less fun to be around.
I know deep down the right thing to do is leave...but I not sure if I can justify leaving nearly 2 years after the behaviour (as I'm aware ) stopped. I feel bad for dc as things are but also if I leave I'm scared of damaging them
notrocketscience I read that thread...nearly brought me to tears...thank you x

Offred Wed 29-Jul-15 12:17:57

It will likely break down walls yes, if it's any good, but the walls it breaks down are very likely to be the ones you have put up in order to stay in a relationship with someone whose betrayal you cannot get over.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Wed 29-Jul-15 12:49:21

2 years ago he broke your trust. You have tried to get past that and rebuild the trust, but (as often happens) you've found you can't. This isn't "leaving 2 years after the event" this is "trying to make things work after the event, and sadly it not working".

The children having a happy secure mother is far better than having 2 miserable parents in a bad relationship.

Leave, you are completely justified in leaving this relationship. You are unhappy.

The fact he gets jealous of you being affectionate with your 4 year old is horrible. What kind of man does that?

glasshouses88 Wed 29-Jul-15 13:15:24

Thank you fuckyouchris ...I hadn't thought of it like that.
There are mixed views about online "cheating" on mn and that is something he has also said ... that nothing physical happened so he's said to me a few times he didn't feel as though he was doing wrong,it was harmless and he like the naughtiness of it...but to me it's exactly the same as physical contact, it was intentional, he spent time registering so he could browse, he added them on Facebook (but hid it from timeline) ....and registering on transexual and cross dressing's just seems so diliberate!
He only started spending more time with me after I found out I was perhaps I more or less forced him into this.

Jan45 Wed 29-Jul-15 13:58:30

Oh please wise up and give yourself the permission to have a happy life with a man who loves you, not this sleaze dog, your kids will be fine with you.

Offred Wed 29-Jul-15 14:13:21

It really doesn't matter what people on MN write or feel or think. It only matters what you feel and think doesn't it? You set your boundaries in your relationships because if you allow other people to dictate how you are allowed to feel you end up extremely miserable.

crazyhead Wed 29-Jul-15 14:21:31

If you stood in the street and polled 100 women to find out if they could stay in a relationship with a man who has behaved as your bloke has done, I reckon 98 would say 'no way'. Don't feel bad about feeling 'no way' - just get out.

glasshouses88 Wed 29-Jul-15 16:34:32

Thanks for your input mumsnetters....I'm gonna sit down with him and try and have a proper conversation tonight.
crazyhead you are right in saying only I can'd just be easier if someone told me what to do, a crystal ball would handy! X

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Wed 29-Jul-15 19:03:54

Glass, all you need to know is that you are not happy.

He hasn't really made your worries go away, has he? He's told you you shouldn't be bothered by it, rather than trying to comfort the way you feel and reassure you.

If it was my dh I would consider it cheating. That's my boundary. If dh didn't see it as cheating then I would know that we weren't compatible and that he would be likely to make me very unhappy.

You don't need his permission to leave flowers

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