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3 weeks into separation

(13 Posts)
blockednose Tue 28-Jul-15 22:41:13

Hi Everyone,

Here is the link to my old thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2419130-Recent-transgression-old-infidelity?msgid=55425361#55425361

So I am 3 weeks into my separation, and the main reason why I am posting is because I feel intense sadness when I wake up in the morning and at night.

If I am being perfectly honest, I know that I have made the right decision to separate from my husband, and I am also enjoying thinking about just myself and my children. I enjoy not having to worry about what my H is doing, has been doing, etc. I enjoy making decisions for the sole purpose of pleasing me and my children.

However, I do not enjoy the extreme sadness that I feel when I think that my relationship is really and truly over. For me, I know that it is over. However, H is still not accepting of this. He is still in the process of "trying to change". He does not really accept that we are separated, he is constantly searching for some sort of reassurance from me that there is a chance that we may get back together soon, I think he actually really believes that this is temporary and that I will change my mind and say "ok, Im ready to have you back!" I no longer have the energy to keep repeating "I don't want to be with you, I don't want to be with you, we are done, we are over" etc etc etc

I do love him, I really do, but that does not mean that I want to be with him. I have absolutely no desire to show him any affection or to get any from him in any way. This is how I know that it is over. I do not worry about him meeting anyone, or shagging anyone or anything. I just feel so sad and down that the life I thought I had and was continuing to build on is not to be anymore.

I do have very supportive friends and my family are also being supportive, but I feel like at times I have no one to talk to. No one in my life understands the sadness that I feel everyday. I don't just have down days, everyday I am down at some point or the other. I need a break, I need to just run away from it all but I can't. I want a holiday, but I have no one to go with. I would go by myself but I worry if this may only make me sadder once away. But I really do want to go and lie on a beach for a couple of days with a good book, some wine, and get a break from my beautiful children wink

I don't know why I am posting, maybe because I just need to let this out and feel I can't in real life. I hate crying. I feel like it is difficult to move on, as everyone that I have told that it is over responds with "oh you will fix it, you will get it back on track" blah blah blah. I suppose that what I want is for my heart to catch up with my head, and then I can get on with life and leaving this sadness behind.

CalleighDoodle Tue 28-Jul-15 22:46:15

You know you made the right decision and you are being strong. Keep
Doing as youre doing and youll be fine

bumblebee1234 Tue 28-Jul-15 22:58:55

Ever thought about having a one night stand. Then you know it's truly over. You are cleansing yourself of him. Look for the rebound guy you know you will never settle with him but he will keep you company. Jokes aside you will move on you have to allow yourself to get used to change. It's a massive step you took and life changing. Look at like this he has the kids you can start having girlie nights out it will help you feel better. smile

onionlove Tue 28-Jul-15 23:07:50

I know how you feel hon, I feel nothing for my ex but I do get sad because its difficult on your own and there's no one around at 'family times' like Sundays and bank holidays its tough but better than being in a relationship that makes you unhappy its early days be kind to yourself and treat yourself from time to time hang in there x

blockednose Wed 29-Jul-15 13:17:14

Calleigh thank you, indeed I know I have made the right decision, but it is so hard to stop feeling like this is a massive loss. My oldest child who is 5 has no clue what is going on. So far she has seen her dad almost everyday, and when he is not here just assumes that he is working. I dread the day that we have to sit her down and tell her that daddy does not live here anymore.

bumblebee I read the first half of your post with shock!! Ha. You are right, I just want to be rid of this sad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I wake up every morning crying, and go to sleep having a little cry too, but I don't want him anymore. I have started to work out, which is a great stress buster, and am forcing myself to go to nights out that I have been invited to, even when I would prefer to avoid them and mope around.

onion one of the hardest things I am trying to cope with is the loss of 'family time' when it would be H, myself and kids having a day out. Sometimes I even want to suggest us doing such things together as we are not fighting or hating each oner as such, but my emotions could not cope with that. I hope that we can remain friends for the sake of our children, but as everything is still so raw right now, I am aware that what is seemingly going along as amicable right now could turn sour for whatever reason, and I have to remind myself to take each day as it comes and have ZERO EXPECTATIONS.

CalleighDoodle Wed 29-Jul-15 13:19:15

By that point it will be normal to her and no big deal. My dd is 5 too. Her dad lives two towns over. He sees a lot of her. It is now normal that daddy has his own flat.

blockednose Wed 29-Jul-15 13:28:42

calleigh did you sit down to have a proper conversation about it with her?

amimadd Wed 29-Jul-15 13:29:21

Hi I'm a bit further down the road than you - been separated 3 months. I enjoy the house with just me and the kids but yes I do feel sad about family times, its going to get better and I'm just trying to get on with it. ExH also thought like yours and still does, I'm trying to be 'friends' with him but he always thinks its us getting back together which is frustrating.

blockednose Wed 29-Jul-15 13:30:09

Also, the DDs' dad comes here to see them, at the moment he is staying with a relative where there is no room to have them over with him. And I can't see him getting his act together and finding a place of his own asap as he is in denial about us being separated, let alone the whole relationship being over.

blockednose Wed 29-Jul-15 13:33:17

amimadd it is so very frustrating, any bit of niceness from me, and he takes it as a sign that we may be getting back together. For me, it has been since the end of April that this break up has been going on, but 3 weeks being officially separated and him completely out of the house with minimal contact unless its regarding the children. I am so tired of reiterating to him that this is the end, and I want to act accordingly.

pocketsaviour Wed 29-Jul-15 13:35:15

It sounds like you're doing all the right things OP - keeping busy with friends, exercise, keeping your boundaries firm by not going on family days.

It is going to take time - you are mourning the end of your marriage, which you went into hoping/expecting to last for life.

Hold strong to the knowledge that you've done the right thing, and KOKO flowers

blockednose Wed 29-Jul-15 13:40:08

pocketsaviour thank you. I feel guilty when I refuse to go on family days out. But the DDs have such a strong bond with their father anyway, they don't need me there. In the end I know I need to do this to maintain boundaries, and even though at times I feel sorry for him, I know that is a part of my old and flawed way of thinking to think of his needs first instead of my own.

I am mourning. I need to accept that and let myself get through it in whatever time I need...

lifebeginsat42 Wed 29-Jul-15 14:02:06

Hello, My situation is so similar to yours and I totally to relate to how you are feeing. I've PM'd you...

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