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Help me tune my user radar.

(24 Posts)
ThreadkillerCilla Tue 28-Jul-15 17:21:59

I will try to keep this brief.

DP and I have been together three years.
We met when we were both ending our previous finished relationships (important because my ex had met someone else who he is now married to and my DP ex is now living with her new partner) although we were both still living with our exp both the relationship had ended.

My exp left the home, DP left his home and eventually moved in with me after staying in digs for a while.

DP was marred for over 20yrs and naturally his exp wants his stuff gone (3 years is long enough plus her new partner now lives with her) however apart from clothes he has no belongings at my house and refuses to consider blending belongings stating space as the reason.

Now he has a new job starting soon 250 miles away!

In my mind I would be treating it as working away from home, just having accommodation there and his home here but he is rushing around planning a new flat, how to move his belongings there etc pretty much setting up a new life there.

Am I over reacting or have I just been used for three years? sad

LimeandTonic Tue 28-Jul-15 17:25:25

Oooh. It sounds like he is leaving.

RealityCheque Tue 28-Jul-15 17:27:03

Not necessarily used. But it looks like the relationship is as good as over.

ThreadkillerCilla Tue 28-Jul-15 17:27:13

That's how it feels to me Lime

Smorgasboard Tue 28-Jul-15 17:28:46

Did he consult with you on the new job or was it presented to you as a fate a complit ?

ThreadkillerCilla Tue 28-Jul-15 17:29:43

He has a valid reason for taking the job, he agreed to pay his ex wifes mortgage for two more years in the divorce so he needs this move.

It feels like he is doing nothing to reinforce our relationship though sad

Optimist1 Tue 28-Jul-15 17:30:25

It does sound as though he's winding things down, Cilla .

JontyDoggle37 Tue 28-Jul-15 17:32:08

I believe the official MN term is 'Cocklodger'.....
You've been a handy place to stay until he decided what he wanted to do with his life....
I'm sorry flowers

ThreadkillerCilla Tue 28-Jul-15 17:35:48


I was too busy trying to be understanding and fair to his situation with exwife (it was none of my business, didn't want to put extra financial burden on him while he was doing the right thing by her) to spot the bloody flags.

Arse sad

Jan45 Tue 28-Jul-15 17:38:48

But, other than this job coming up he's never fully moved in with you, was just his clothes?

What has he said about the move, have you been invited, does he talk about your future?

ThreadkillerCilla Tue 28-Jul-15 17:45:08

It's talked about in terms of a necessary evil Jan it's just what he has to do to be able to afford his divorce agreement.

The furniture and other bits have only really come about because ex-wife wants rid, I don't think she knows about me at all.

Not sure if that's deliberate or just because he's decided it's not her business (no dc) I think it was more of a logistical problem (which clearly has vanished now he wants to start playing house himself) plus they haven't gone through the stuff and decided who gets what.

Jan45 Tue 28-Jul-15 17:51:38

I think you need to have a long frank talk with him and find out exactly where you stand.

Jan45 Tue 28-Jul-15 17:52:18

What about you and him though???

ThreadkillerCilla Tue 28-Jul-15 18:05:52

We have this plan that when he has finished paying we will be free to relax together.

But luckily he wasn't so committed to this plan of retirement together that he told any of his friends or family about me......


ThreadkillerCilla Tue 28-Jul-15 18:07:54

I'm just completely disposable aren't I?

shovetheholly Tue 28-Jul-15 18:13:08


What a horrible shock for you.

It sounds as though, at best, he's completely insensitive to your feelings and to considering your views on this new flat. At worst, he's a complete tool. Sorry you're going through this - you deserve so much better.

(As a side-note, I've always been very suspicious of people in LTR who won't blend belongings, having watched a friend of mine with a guy who gave all the sensible excuses for not doing so, and then predictably walked. I do think it shows a fundamental lack of commitment to a future together after a certain point in the relationship).

Zucker Tue 28-Jul-15 18:21:34

There are no children and he agreed to pay her mortgage for another couple of years! I think you've been used as a stop gap unfortunately.

You're not disposable, this guy has just taken advantage. Onwards and upwards.

Hubbahubby Tue 28-Jul-15 19:18:04

Sorry but he's moving on - new job new start...without you

ThreadkillerCilla Tue 28-Jul-15 19:52:46

I have no idea what to do now sad

He is telling me in one breath that I'm being silly and of course he wants to stay together but he can't not take this job and he will need somewhere to live.
Then reminding me that money will be tight so I will have to understand if he can't come at the weekend and that I will need to be understanding at the inequitable visits (I can go up as much as I like) yet when I suggest somewhere cheap he flatly refuses saying he won't live two years in a 1 bed flat confused

Am I being selfish?

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Tue 28-Jul-15 20:05:20

Selfish in what way? I honestly can't understand what could be selfish on your part here.

He is moving away. You don't want a long distance relationship. That's perfectly reasonable. Just tell him straight out you have had fun over the last 3 years, it helped you get over your ex, you are glad it helped him get over his, and now it is over, you aren't interested in a LDR, you want to be free to have someone who is actually available and is not a cocklodger

ThreadkillerCilla Tue 28-Jul-15 20:18:59

Ketchup if I had the slightest confidence that he was invested in a genuine relationship I would be happy enough with the distance, I have fallen in absolute love with him (I have ASD too so it's blinding me!) and would make the best of whatever we have.

I earn much less and work from home (anywhere with internet) but I can see a few ways I could juggle family and pets to be able to spend at least a couple of days each week with him.
He is prioritising the location of his new place, buying appliances, needing his own car and so on.

I feel like I'm an afterthought and I don't know if I'm hurt because I want to make more effort than h does or if it's a giant stabby red flag telling me he just isn't as in love as me sad

Hissy Tue 28-Jul-15 20:34:38

Oh love sad

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Tue 28-Jul-15 21:50:24

Not sure if I've got the facts right here:

He has been living with you for over a year?

He hasn't brought anything with him except his clothes?

He hasn't told his friends or family about you. Or is it just that he hasn't told them it is a serious relationship?

He got a job 250 miles away and has told you he won't be able to visit often.

He wants "keep" the relationship with you in the sense that you won't look for anyone else and you will be available to him whenever he deigns to visit. You are "allowed" to visit him whenever you like at your own expense. You do not have a high disposable income.

Do you provide housewife services to him? You know laundry, cooking, tidying, cleaning, buying birthday cards, sex, shoulder to cry on, etc.

If so, I think your thread title says it all. You have been used.sad

Inexperiencedchick Wed 29-Jul-15 06:35:54

Are you sure he was helping EW to pay the mortgage?
And not saving up for a deposit for a new property?

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