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Moral dilemma - do I go to a concert with my ex from years ago or not?

(167 Posts)
SirChenjin Tue 28-Jul-15 14:12:23

Need the advice of you wise MNetters (well, MNetters grin) as DH and I are going round in circles with this one.

Backstory - ex and I went out for about a year and a half, 25 years ago. He dumped me, but I was going out with someone else within a month so hardly heartbroken! We're in the same field, bump into each other occasionally at work things, met up once for coffee (he bought along the family holiday photos to show me) and as a result are now friends on FB. We PM each other, very boring stuff - work, family, kids, stories about people on our course etc. We both like a particular singer/songwriter who is now touring for the first time in ages, and who is, according to DH "dirgy".

Ex (I say ex, it was so long ago he's more just a friend from way back, iykwim?) asked me if I fancied going to see the singer, I said yes (no-one else I know likes him - they haven't even heard of him) and said to DH. DH was not happy at all, although he has now come around and said I should go - but I know he's putting a brave face on it, which means that I don't want to go. He now feels bad because I've got no-one to go with - I suggested he comes with me, but he's said he really isn't interested, the practicalities of us both getting to the mid week concert/childcare are a PITA, and is glad I've got someone to go with (only he's not glad - 20 years of marriage means I know him pretty well..!)

So, what would you do. Go/not go?

Coconutty Tue 28-Jul-15 14:13:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thefacttheyact1234 Tue 28-Jul-15 14:14:31

Nah I wouldn't enjoy it now anyway.

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter Tue 28-Jul-15 14:16:45

Go. If your DH was that bothered, he would go as well.

OhGood Tue 28-Jul-15 14:18:12

Skip it. If you can promise not to be all martyr-y around DH about it.

SrAssumpta Tue 28-Jul-15 14:18:23

I can be a bit of a hypocrite with DP about these sort of things and expect him to be okay with things that I definitely wouldn't be but I'd say not go in this instance to be honest.

Joysmum Tue 28-Jul-15 14:18:23

Not go. Why would I dismiss my DH feelings like that? He's not a twat who gets arsey for the sake of it so if he's not happy then it's not because of anything other than being unhappy.

We don't play games where feeling are concerned.

millymollymoomoo Tue 28-Jul-15 14:22:29

Go - why does you DH not like it - this was 25 years ago and you have been married 20 years! why can't you go to a gig with a mate without DH not liking it - unless there is more going on here than suggested? What is it that he is not liking and is he like this with all your friends (male and female or just this particular one)

SirChenjin Tue 28-Jul-15 14:23:55

I'm not dismissing his feelings, nor do we play 'games' - DH was not happy at all, although he has now come around and said I should go - but I know he's putting a brave face on it, which means that I don't want to go ie, I know he's unhappy, therefore I don't want to go.

So far - not go is winning. I said I wasn't going to go to DH, but he texted earlier to say that I should go because I really want to see the singer - so we're going round in circles again.

ImperialBlether Tue 28-Jul-15 14:25:15

For goodness sake, go! Nothing is going to happen as a result of you and your ex listening to a few songs! (Who is it, btw?)

It was such a long time ago, he wasn't a serious boyfriend, you've become friends now. It's not a date, you're not going to run off with him, you just want to listen to miserable music together!

WickedWax Tue 28-Jul-15 14:26:01

I would not go.

Cocolepew Tue 28-Jul-15 14:27:21

Go. You're friends with him anyway. It's not as if you gave just met and are rekindling a friendship.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 28-Jul-15 14:28:06

FFS go to the gig. Make no further reference to your H acting like a total cock about it (because that's what he's been doing.)

It is utterly fucking pathetic to complain about your partner going to an event that s/he will enjoy but you will not like, just because there will be an old friend of his/hers there. Jealousy should always be treated with utter contempt and never, ever pandered to.

lighteningirl Tue 28-Jul-15 14:29:09

Do not go. Why would you? This is how affairs start, innocent catchup on FB private messages dates that you pretend aren't dates. Even if you are 100% secure and safely married is he? I would bin my dh if he did this; are you sure you didn't emotionally blackmail him into saying it was ok ( and I would imagine your husband is now currently out sizing up possibly ow I would be)

CamelHump Tue 28-Jul-15 14:29:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter Tue 28-Jul-15 14:32:04

You'd end your marriage if your DH went to a concert with an ex from 25 years ago, lighteningirl? confused

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter Tue 28-Jul-15 14:32:38

and I would imagine your husband is now currently out sizing up possibly ow I would be


ImperialBlether Tue 28-Jul-15 14:33:35

Oh for god's sake, lighteninggirl! Affairs don't start with someone asking their husband if they mind going out to a gig with an old friend! They start by having secret conversations, secret meetings, secret phone calls and texts. This is the opposite - the OP has been absolutely open about it.

Floggingmolly Tue 28-Jul-15 14:35:04

Don't go.

Cocolepew Tue 28-Jul-15 14:36:19

Seriously lighteninggirl hmm

BeautyQueenFromMars Tue 28-Jul-15 14:41:32

What would your husband be like if you were to go. SirChenjin?

I'm rather on the fence here, as it really shouldn't be a problem for you to go to a concert with an old friend, especially as your DH presumably trusts you, and doesn't want to go himself. On the other hand, if you know it would upset him then why would you do it? Splinters in my arse, I've got!

CotedePablo Tue 28-Jul-15 14:42:50

I would go. In fact I do go often to concerts with male friends, female friends, just whoever is going to whoever I want to see. My DH isn't into live music, I am, so otherwise I would never go.
Of course, he trusts me, as I do him, and would have no problem whatsoever with him going with a female friend to something I had no interest in.

lighteningirl Tue 28-Jul-15 14:43:58

If my dh wanted to go to a concert why wouldn't be ask me? And the op specifically said private messaging if you gender swop this the response on here would be very very different and yes if I was unhappy about something and my dh did it anyway I would not be pleased probably wouldn't bin him but hey I was catastrophising on purpose

rouxlebandit Tue 28-Jul-15 14:45:25

I wouldn't be comfortable with my wife going to a concert with another man unless he was a really close friend of both of us - definitely not one of her exes- and they shared a love of some kind of music which I didn't like. I'd have to be sure there was nothing going on between them. That's not the case here.

DrMorbius Tue 28-Jul-15 14:45:50

I imagine your DH had a bit of the old "green eyes" at first and then on reflection realised he was being totally daft. Now he probably feels a bit of a knob for making anything of this in the first place and now he probably wants you to go in order to show (to you) that his initial reaction was a temporary aberration.

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