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Boyf watches porn!!

(31 Posts)
Brunette28 Tue 28-Jul-15 11:17:00

Hi ladies just wanted to ask if I'm being stupid or not. I'm 10 weeks pregnant and only discovered last night on my mans phone he has been watching porn videos. I know men are men but why does he need to watch it when he has me? And being pregnant it's just made me feel even more unattractive and low. He always said he didn't watch stuff like that so why is he now? Am I wrong to feel upset?

pocketsaviour Tue 28-Jul-15 11:38:14

You're not wrong to feel your feelings, but in my experience the (vast) majority of men watch porn. A much larger proportion than women.

It doesn't have anything to do with whether or not he finds you attractive.

If you personally find porn use unacceptable, you always have the right to tell him it's a deal breaker for you. (Of course, he then has the right to say that dictating his masturbatory habits is a deal breaker for him.)

Joysmum Tue 28-Jul-15 11:38:16

You gave the right to feel whatever you feel.

One thing I will say is that it wouldn't surprise me if your boyfriend is lying, he hasn't just started watching porn now you're pregnant, he always has.

You need to decide where you stand on this and where your boundaries are and make them clear your beliefs and why you have them and ensure he knows the consequences.

MarchLikeAnAnt Tue 28-Jul-15 11:43:27

Not wrong to feel upset at all, he shouldn't have lied.
I don't think it's right to dictate what another grown adult looks at during their own private time though.

FredaMayor Tue 28-Jul-15 12:02:01

Most women (I know there are exceptions) will tell you that they find porn gross, and most men (if they are truthful and will admit to watching it) think it's a bit of fun, no more. I don't include porn addicts who IMO have included porn into their addiction behaviour.

Many women (sorry to keep generalising) feel porn is a personal affront on their sexuality and relationship. It's really not, although that can be hard to accept for some people.

Where porn is really damaging is when it objectivises, victimises and demeans women or any other section of society. I believe that's the message that needs to come across. IMO much of porn is gross and it's grubby, but please try not to take it personally, OP, it really isn't meant that way. Your OH doesn't watch it to try and hurt you, in fact he isn't using his brain at all.

WhySoAngry Tue 28-Jul-15 12:09:07

The vast majority of men watch porn. FACT. When women ask men if they watch porn, most lie. FACT. They shouldn't, but they do.

As has been discussed on the many, many posts that appear regularly on MN, it's then a question of whether it's a deal breaker for the woman.

Just don't expect the man stop watching porn. He won't. He'll just hide it better.

goddessofsmallthings Tue 28-Jul-15 12:12:53

It could be said that watching porn is preferable to starring in it, but imo anyone who has to resort to looking at images of others engaging in sexual activites in order to get it up on has a limited imagination.

You need to talk to him about why he's lied to you and why he finds it necessary to view images of women/men who have invariably been sexually abused from a young age being subjected to further abuse for the gratification of strangers.

Does he consider the sex trade porn industry to be a suitable career for you, for his siblings, for his children to come, and if not, why not? when its target audience is the average joe who's just like him. hmm

Brunette28 Tue 28-Jul-15 12:16:11

So am I expected to just live with this? I don't know if I can. I realise that it's not about me but I can't help feel like I'm not enough for him and it's making me feel so shitty. I wish I didn't look as everything else is perfect. Shall I discuss it with him or let it go confused

NoImSpartacus Tue 28-Jul-15 12:16:12

I'm female, and I like porn. I am also in a loving relationship, I really fancy my DP and we have a great sex life. My DP also watches porn. What he does in his private time is none of my business and vice versa.

Maybe he told you he didn't watch it because you gave a clear impression that you wouldn't like it. Trying to dictate to your DP will never go well. He may agree to go along with your wishes, but what right have you got to tell him what he can and can't do. If you can't accept that he just enjoys it, it doesn't mean he doesn't fancy you, then you should probably split.

TheStoic Tue 28-Jul-15 12:19:51

So am I expected to just live with this?

No, you don't have to live with it if you don't want to.

butterflygirl15 Tue 28-Jul-15 12:20:08

no you are not expected to live with it. But you cannot change him. It would be a deal breaker for me. Watching porn where women are abused or coerced is not something that I could ever accept.

Brunette28 Tue 28-Jul-15 12:21:20

And saying we should split is easier said then done as I am pregnant with his child

LurcioAgain Tue 28-Jul-15 12:26:02

No, you don't have to live like this.

There are men out there who don't watch porn, either because they (as goddessofsmallthings has pointed out) object to the fact that the participants are often coerced, or simply because it doesn't do anything for them.

I personally would not want to be in a relationship with someone who used porn simply because I have read too much about the industry to be comfortable with it - it is often evidence of filmed abuse, and is often full of violence and abusive acts being portrayed as sexually desirable. There are others on this thread who do watch porn and are comfortable with doing so (and there is, I gather, a market in "ethical porn" which allegedly comes with guarantees that the perfomers are not coerced).

I think what you need to do is spend a bit of time working out what it is about it that upsets you, and try to explain to him. (If you didn't present it as a potential deal-breaker when you got together, he may be completely taken aback). The important thing is his reaction - is he prepared to acknowledge that it hurts you, and that you are allowed to feel hurt by it? Or does he get all defensive? If he is prepared to talk about it sensibly, then hopefully you can find some way through it. If he stonewalls, given how upset you are, then I think you may have a problem.

By the way, I do think it does not in any way reflect on your attractiveness, it is entirely about him.

CatMilkMan Tue 28-Jul-15 12:27:11

Talk to him about it, tell him it makes you feel shit and together find a solution.

SacredHeart Tue 28-Jul-15 12:30:00

I think you need to rationally discuss it but you must also realise as lurcio says if this wasn't stipulated as a deal breaker at the beginning of the relationship it is difficult.

Neither of you is in the wrong but equally that means neither of you is obliged to back down - until you talk you'll get no where.

itsonlysubterfuge Tue 28-Jul-15 12:32:59

I explained to my DH in the best way I could how it makes me feel when he watches porn. He has ASD and has a hard time understand feelings.

He stopped for the most part and only occasionally does it.

Sometimes he looks at photos/videos of me, rather than other women.

It's something I have learned to live with and something he has learnt to reduce the amount on. We had a compromise.

I love him and want to be with him, so this was a solution for both of us.

LurcioAgain Tue 28-Jul-15 12:35:20

I should also say I'm nearly 50, and it took many years for my instinctive uncomfortable feelings about porn to crystallise into my current position - and quite a bit of reading up about the industry and how exploitative it is. I think back when I was in my early 20s, I could quite easily have got into a relationship with someone who used porn, and have felt under immense pressure to be the "cool girlfriend" who was totally okay with it, even though I wasn't.

Part of the hard work of relationships is that you can't second-guess every single issue up front. No-one goes into a relationship with a hard-and-fast list (as long as your arm and then some) of deal breakers. Some issues will emerge with time and have to be worked through on the fly as and when they come up - and this is really, really hard work to do. As I say, part of it depends on you sitting down and having a hard think about why it upsets you and coming up with a way to express this to your boyfriend, and part of it comes down to him - whether he's prepared to listen, acknowledge your feelings and come up with a solution.

Nabuma Tue 28-Jul-15 12:47:09

I'm a woman who watches porn. A debate on ethics is not something I want to get into right now-what I wanted to do is reassure the op. I love my husband dearly, find him incredibly gorgeous and would ever cheat or view him as inadequate sexually. But sometimes, I want to watch something that I find arousing that is fantasy and not necessarily something I would engage in in real life. I sometimes fantasise about men (Jake Gyllenhaal anyone?!) who aren't my husband but in a purely fantastical context and the idea of straying in real life is abhorrent to me.

In short, my husband is my world, he satisfies me totally in bed and there is nothing that I would change about our sex life or our intimacy. But do I like watching something that is slightly taboo every now and again? Yes. Sometimes I watch porn when I'm feeling a bit stressed and want sexual gratification without intimacy and when I want to be a teeny bit selfish and am not in the mood to reciprocate sexual favours for my husband-it's a practical (and some men often see things purely in those terms) solution.

You definitely do not have to accept this from your partner though if it's something you are uncomfortable with.

Interdasty Tue 28-Jul-15 12:47:44

Most men watch porn. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or find you attractive. Men and women are very different, sexually speaking. Men are far more visually and need ''diversity''. They are also much better at separating the emotional and physical sides of sex, most of the time it's just a bodily function or an itch that needs to be scratched. We have very different hormones that define how we see sex and what our mating priorities are, at the end of the day we're just another species of social mammals.

In a way it's like him playing Call of Duty or something, that satisfies his primeval instinct to kill or hunt. Watching porn doesn't mean he doesn't love you or he'll cheat , it means he is dealing with one of men's most ancient urges in a ''civilized'' way. Just like women love reading novels with dominating billionaires and counts.

Nabuma Tue 28-Jul-15 12:50:34

Interdasty explains it really well.

LurcioAgain Tue 28-Jul-15 12:54:21

Hopefully, OP (and I'm with Nabuma in that I think we should try to avoid turning a support thread into an ethical discussion) what you can take from this is that most of us, whether happy porn users or people with ethical qualms, agree that:

It is okay for you to feel how you feel, and that this is something your boyfriend should be prepared to listen to, acknowledge and work with you on coming up with a solution that helps both of you.

That his watching porn in no way reflects on your attractiveness, nor does it mean that he doesn't find you attractive.

Hope you manage to have a good talk to him.

Jan45 Tue 28-Jul-15 13:18:29

OP not all men watch porn and in a relationship you are perfectly entitled to ask he doesn't do this whilst with you, esp now you are pregnant. If he can't or won't then you have a problem.

Some females are fine with their partners watching porn, I'm not and I know plenty other who are not, I'd have no problem telling my partner too, if he continued to do it, I'd really question his character and his loyalty to me as a partner.

Any mature man who puts watching porn vids before the feelings of his partner really is just being completely selfish.

Brunette28 Tue 28-Jul-15 13:24:03

Thanks ladies it's so nice to hear everyone's opinions and see in not on my own. I will talk with him tonight and see how it goes. The only thing is I know he will be embarrassed and I'm not sure how to bring it up.

LurcioAgain Tue 28-Jul-15 13:27:59

Good luck tonight! Hope it goes well.

WhySoAngry Tue 28-Jul-15 14:21:32

Here's how the conversation will go:

Brunette28: 'Erm, babe, I'm not sure how to bring this up, but I don't like you watching porn'
Boyf: Oh, babe, I'm so embarrassed. Look, I'm sorry. Of course I'll stop'

Then he'll just hide it better.

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