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at what point do I give up on my parents?

(14 Posts)
Dontunderstand01 Tue 28-Jul-15 07:16:27

So, extremely long story short, my family live 4 hrs drive away. It was me that moved away (marriage and job). My dsis moved one hr away from our home town. My dm followed her there after a few years. She looks after dsis children during the week (she shares childcare with in laws), and frequently for social reasons.
I often say how I want to move back, and would love that kind of support with ds who is 1. I am often told not to build my life srpund theres, that I shouldn't rely on other people, but they would love to see more of me. When I point out dsis gets all of this I am told to stop comparing, my and sis are different people etc. My parents and I had this very conversation on friday and my dad told me "you cant always get what you want in life".
So... I had asked my dm two months ago if she could come down for a weekend, and tie it in with looking after ds for one day. I have a work thing, and its not on a typical nursery day. Dm said yes. This is the first time in 9 months I have asked her to babysit. Yesterday i called her, to patch things up really after our not so great convo on friday. She mentions that she might not be able to come down as arranged, as inlaws are now thinking of going on holiday that week, and she will be needed for childcare at dssis.she knows work are considering increasing my hours, which would mean she would be off the hook for babysitting as my change in hrs would be permanent and therefore require nursery care.I told her I dont know if and when my flexible working request will be granted or when and she was most put out.
My dm always bangs on about missing me, missing ds, but never visits.
I feel sidelined, less loved and valued than dsis but worse is that ds is clearly less important to them than dsis children. I wonder if it is better to go nc with them then regularly feeling rejected/hurt. I dont think I will ever stop wanting the relationshipby dsis has with them. I have considered if it is me- maybe I am too demanding/not pleasant to be around, but they can't or wont directly tell me this. The whole thing is just awful.

Andcake Tue 28-Jul-15 07:30:58

It's awful to feel 2nd best to a sibling but tbh the situation you describe does seem a bit petty to go nc.
Maybe she resents doing childcare for you dsis but doesn't discuss it with you.
Childcare from gp - our parents should never be expected.
You should not expect it and not compare yourself.
Be the bigger person find ways to look after yourself.
My parents definitely prefer my brother - fine their loss.

Dontunderstand01 Tue 28-Jul-15 07:36:17

Its not this individual scenario butthe wider picture of being put 2nd best time after time.
She adores looking after dsis children and always tells me how she cant wait go see them, havdthem overnight, take them places.

I feel confused, I know you are saying I am wrong and I trying to listen, but is it really ok to go back on an agreement with me in favour of dsis? It doesn't feel right to me.

I guess I need to suck it up.

Dontunderstand01 Tue 28-Jul-15 07:37:22

That wasn't meant to sound so petulant! Sorry, just feeling a bit low.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 28-Jul-15 07:46:39

If you were to challenge your parents on this you would not get very far.

it seems that your parents have always been like this and it's not your fault they are like this. the favouritism of your sister and her children is obvious.

I also think your parents assigned you a role a long time ago, that of scapegoat for all their inherent ills.

I would keep well away from these people ,and rely on them for nothing because they will continue to let you down. they were not good parents to you were they and they still are not. they will not change. All you can do is maintain firm and consistent boundaries with them and be as low contact with them as possible. NC is also an option here, you do not need parents who hurt and disappoint you all the time.

You do not need their approval and I would no longer call them to patch things up, they are the ones who should be doing that anyway but they will not do so because of the ways they are.

you have every right to feel hurt and I would also suggest you post on the well we took you to stately homes thread on these pages too. they will also understand.

your sister is likely to be the golden child in this scenario but this is a role also not without price. She is completely unaware of the price to be paid (by her children as well).

2cats2many Tue 28-Jul-15 07:49:27

That sounds really tough. What was it like when you were growing up? Did you feel that you were second best then as well or is it a more recent feeling?

firesidechat Tue 28-Jul-15 07:57:02

We've moved away from family in the past and our eldest has moved away from us too. Typically about 1 1/2 to 2 1/2 hours away. We don't resent the distance at all. In most cases it was our decision and in my daughter's case she has a life and friends there which she wouldn't have here. We see them frequently.

I have to admit that I would struggle to do any childcare for my grandchildren if they were 4 hours away. It's much easier and less stressful to see family if they live locally and you can just pop in to see them. Maybe your parents are worried that if you moved back you would be reliant on them and they wouldn't be able to cope. I imagine that when you moved away they found a dynamic which worked for them ie spending more time with your sister.

Dontunderstand01 Tue 28-Jul-15 08:14:10

I appreciate the different p.o.v.

I will do my best to be happy for them that they have a good relationship with dsis and her kids, but maybe ask them not to tell me about every day out/treat/event they go to. It probably shouldn't but go me it just feels like salt in the wound.

I have managed a year and a bit with baby/work and zero support, so I can keep doing it. I just wish I didn't have to! Ultimately I guess its not their problem, and my fault for moving.

Dontunderstand01 Tue 28-Jul-15 08:25:19

2cats, I did really well at school and was a swot, but my parents and I clashed a lot over going to uni. I didn't want to go, they emotionally blackmailed me into it. I am now pleased I went, but looking back I should have done what dsis did and go nearby. Instead I went 3 hrs away to get some freedom. Now my dsis is reaping benefits of stsying close to home andvi am paying the price (in a way, literally as nursery costs a fortune and dsis has never paid for childcare!)

Walkacrossthesand Tue 28-Jul-15 08:26:28

if your mum had an ounce of sensitivity she'd know better than to regale you with stories of all the lovely things she's done with & for her other GCs. i suggest you practise some phrases to shut down such conversations immediately, ranging from a sudden change of subject, through 'I've got to go, sorry, bye' to the possibly relationship-breaking 'I don't want to hear what you've been doing with xx when you show no interest in coming to see my children'.. There's absolutely no reason why you should have to listen.

cansu Tue 28-Jul-15 08:28:30

I would be clear with them that they have let you down this time in a non emotional way then move on and avoid asking them again. If they offer decline saying that you need someone who you can completely rely on. I live miles away from my family but my mum has helped me out in the past and she is always completely reliable and would never let me down yo favour my sister. I think your parents are behaving in a very shitty way. I would start being much more assertive. They appear to have assigned you the role of being second class and then chiding you when you complain. I would be much more upfront about it. When your mum says something hurtful I would tell her. They will not like this even if they are unlikely to change their ways it will make you feel better. Your sister also has a role in this by taking the piss at your expense. Don't be afraid to call her out on it. Why on earth did she ask your mum to help when she knew they had committed to he you?

Dontunderstand01 Tue 28-Jul-15 08:29:01

Fireside, you might be right. Imo the solution would be if i moved back to reduce the childcare they offer dsis... but that would never happen. I had hoped that by asking them to babysit once in 9 mknths, with 3 months notice and the offer of tying it into a visit for a few days during which I would be off would be enough to persuade them but if I am BU thrn I guess I am.

I have text dm saying not to worry about it and will make alternative arrangements, which is telling work I can't go.

Phoenix0x0 Tue 28-Jul-15 08:58:40

dont you have every right to be upset and I agree with the PP on now being assertive.

I would actually tell her that you have had to tell work that you cannot go, due to childcare issues. I would also say that you are disappointed that the visit isn't going a head.

Hussarsataparty Tue 28-Jul-15 13:22:16

Sympathies to you, OP - my MIL never did a day of childcare for us despite having their other grand-daughter every day in the holidays -plus nieces kids too angry while we spent a fortune on childcare. Kids are older now and we've just all learned to let it wash over us. PILs feel sad that they don't have a relationship with our DCs but in our favour, we are a very resilient family in our own right, and you will be too.
Be proud of your independence - I'm sure childcare, if that's affordable for you, will give your ds way more fun, and friends to play with too.

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