Am I being unreasonable?

[Summershiny365]

Hello all, I am a married mum of three young children. My husband works very hard and most of the time we happily float along with no real issues! But there is one sticking point which rears its ugly head every time friends or family visit... My husband basically decides it's absolutely his right of passage whilst they are here, to go out drinking whenever he pleases! Last weekend when my brother was visiting they walked to the shop to buy a few beers and didn't return. Saturday night he went over to watch the football at a friends house until 2am but apparently that didn't count either as he wasn't in a pub. This inconsideration makes me feel so alone.
So now it's summer hols we've had a few guests visiting us and more planned! and my husband has been out three weekends in a row already. Always with the same point that as he stays in most of the time he deserves to do as he pleases on these various weeks. I think I could be more on board with this theory if he didn't say things like "well what is there to stay home for? Just us bored watching tv like every other weekend!" ????
I am a stay at home mum, I do work very hard to be a good wife, I cook, clean and care for our children. I dont go out very much and if I do (twice a year?) I would almost always choose to share the time out with my husband!
So here I am, unable to sleep, wondering if I'm being unreasonable asking for him to at least pretend to empthyse with my situation, facing yet another weekend alone!...
I can't stress enough how these few weeks every couple of months almost break us every time! I am not allowed to object and if I do I am being completely unreasonable and trying to cause friction to spoil his night. Should I just grin and bare it? Am I unreasonable??
Thank you for reading xx

[Lelania]

Why don't you go out with him? Or leave him in charge of the children while you go out?

[SelfLoathing]

What is it that is really upsetting you here?

• that he doesn't want to spend time with you
  
• that you are left holding the baby as it were without support
  
• that he gets "fun me-time" off from the family commitments while you have to do family "work"
  
• that you want to go out drinking/having fun with your friends too
  
• that you resent that he doesn't do what you say/ you don't like feeling out of of control of him.
  
• that you resent him generally because you are a SAHM/housewife and he gets more me time generally
  
• that he is not asking your permission in advance
  

Work out what it is that is really at the root of it. WHY are you upset?

It's not unreasonable to expect support but it's also not unreasonable for someone do be allowed freedom to do what they want. But that cuts both ways. It maybe that the solution is for you to get to do this kind of stuff too. But it may not be. Depends what it is that really bugs you about his behaviour.

[RealityCheque]

Good post loathing. That question needs to be answered before help can be given.

[LadyB49]

Yes, great post loathing

[firesidechat]

but it's also not unreasonable for someone do be allowed freedom to do what they want.

I'm not sure I agree with this. When you have a young family there is an inevitable loss of "freedom" because if everyone went off doing what they felt like the family may suffer. In my experience having children is the time in your life when you grow up and realise that thinking of others is more important than thinking of yourself.

Also if you are married to a selfish person, freedom to do what you want is frequently abused, as the op's post clearly demonstrates.

[firesidechat]

Op I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, but he is.

[mrsdavidbowie]

You sound a bit of a martyr to me
I work very hard to be a good wife
I don't go out much..twice a year..choose to spend the time with my h

Do you have no friends? Hobbies/ interests?

[Summershiny365]

Hello all, thank you for your comments,
I think the main thing that is hurtful is the comments that make me feel boring when actually if I don't stay in who will? We are new to this area so not much childcare and we can't afford it really... I've made some lovely friends however but my husband doesn't seem to want to put the effort into making new friendships. He simply waits for these people from our previous area (250miles away) to visit then has a massive blow out. I am completely ok with regular friendships and encourage him to go out with new people he meets but it doesn't seem to change this cycle... I did arrange a night out last year for my birthday with my new friends and their partners for my hubby to meet I begged him not to drink much but he got blind drunk and completely embarrassed me (this isn't unusual he doesn't handle his drink well) but that group never agreed to another group thing again. I have new friends now who are lovely but we don't go out drinking really, it's ok as I am happy with my friendships old and new, I worry more about my husbands friendships which probably makes it more hurtful when he suddenly switches to this inconsiderate selfish side every 6-8 weeks... Hope this helps a bit with answering questions? Xx

[Ridingthegravytrain]

So he only goes out (unexpectedly) when you have guests? Or have I read that wrong?

If that's the case you aren't unreasonable and he is rude!

[Summershiny365]

Yes but just so our wires aren't crossed, he goes out with the guests he doesn't leave them with me... sometimes the visitors stay elsewhere sometimes at home but he always switches to this behaviour, I try to explain that leaving me to set up a film while they grab some beers from the shop then not returning was rude but he doesn't agree and has since had three similar weekends, and now this weekend is already planned for him.
At the risk of getting to deep, It might also help to know we have been together for 16years since we were teens, we had our first baby at 20 and I think this is where this behaviour stems from, I'm convinced at 33 he still feels hard done by for missing out on the things 20yr olds do, but that's not my fault and he is now the same as lots of other couples our age, settled / married with kids... we have three beautiful children who he adores.
But how can I explain how I feel without being unreasonable? I don't want to be that person but I am not going to be made to feel boring and used either. X

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I thought you were going to say he was like this every weekend, not 6-8 weeks.

Is there an element of, " I bring home a salary, so what I say, goes" ?

In the evening and at weekends it is perfectly reasonable to want to catch up with each other, kick back and feel connected again. I don't know how old your children are? Maybe three might seem daunting to an inexperienced babysitter, however your new friends might be interested in forming a babysitting circle with you?

[DorisLessingsCat]

He sounds like an alcoholic. And a prick.

[OhNoNotMyBaby]

There appear to be some passive-aggressive control issues on your part OP. As pp said, you're coming over as a bit of a martyr - you're doing everything right, making life wonderful for him and the children, you don't go out, you do this that and the other.... And you're expecting him to conform to your idea of a perfect husband. And it appears that you don't want him to have fun without you - this is an unreasonable expectation on your part.

People aren't perfect. He's not wrong for wanting some fun and some downtime. Why aren't you joining in the fun? (Yes OK, 3 young children) It's not impossible you know. Aren't there any local teenagers who'd love a bit of pocket money for an hour or so? What's your idea of fun? Start with that and try to work out a way of having fun together.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Just saw your last post. It is equally his responsibility having the children so he's not being fair to feel he is uniquely hard done by. Stating the obvious but starting your family early means that you'll both be younger than many others when the children do get more independent. He earns a wage, you keep your end of the deal, hence your defensiveness about working hard to be a good wife and mum.

You could consider getting into the world of salaried employment again if you can figure out how to best manage it. You might find he has pigeonholed you as Summershiny domestic goddess but very much rooted to the home. Whereas you obviously coped with relocating 250 miles and strike up friendships easily, (without alcohol as a social crutch), suggesting you are far from a stick in the mud.

[ImperialBlether]

That sounded really embarrassing, when you were out with your new friends and he got really drunk.

He does seem to be taking you for granted. I'd be really annoyed if I expected them to come back and they didn't. Presumably your brother was visiting you just as much as your husband - did they not think you might like some company?

[Husbanddoestheironing]

If they are joint friends or your family then you should point out you should have a turn at going out with them and him stay at home with the kids. I would want to spend some time with my brother.

[Summershiny365]

I agree that as a stay at home mother I probably cherish the weekends more than him and with a 13yr old 7yr old and 5yr old the evenings are the only time we as a couple get to re-connect (even if it is just renting a dvd) your right! I Have suggested swapping babysitting favours to others but they don't seem to need it and they're a bit to new to push... If I organised an evening together or out he would be fine with it, he is a really lovely man but this is what makes these sporadic "F you I'm off" weekends so difficult to adjust to! He doesn't typically have the attitude of I earn therefore I decide but he definitely doesn't believe that I have a hard day and doesn't believe I should want praise for my job as a home maker. My reward is seeing my children thrive I guess x

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Just wondering when you say he adores the children does that mean he does get stuck in with any child related tasks eg kick about in the park, teethbrushing, bikes, reading, homework, lifts to clubs or parties etc?

[Summershiny365]

I agree I probably sound like I'm trying to stop his fun but I honestly 100% do encourage him to meet up with people and make new friends but he literally doesn't even reply to their texts, instead he seems to prefer closing off any new friendships and prefers to wait for a binge of nights out and drinking when old friends or family visit and yes it would be lovely to be included rather than the unpaid babysitter but that doesn't happen especially as these nights out are almost always unplanned... He also doesn't usually make horrible comments to me regards finding home life boring until these people visit as I think he finds it easier to go out if we argue, so if I resist showing I'm hurt by the comments they get worse...

On another note, regarding work - I have enrolled on a course from September to gain new skills to start working, so I also hope that will help to improve the balance between us

[Summershiny365]

Oh and yes he is pro active daddy, so they notice this change when we have visitors as well x

[Goodbyemylove]

Sounds like alcohol is an issue here. Binge drinking, disappearing, embarrassing himself and you. No wonder you're not happy.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You say those evenings are unplanned but they're not totally spontaneous are they,

He also doesn't usually make horrible comments to me regards finding home life boring until these people visit as I think he finds it easier to go out if we argue, so if I resist showing I'm hurt by the comments they get worse...

That's no way to behave, he knows exactly what he's doing. Complains how dull home life can be - then having provoked unpleasantness, off he goes.

I am glad you have that September course booked, and his participation in home life counts for something. But he doesn't appreciate what you do, and having moved all that way, it seems crazy he's neglecting to put roots down properly. Was this relocation something he resented?

[Summershiny365]

Yes I agree Goodbyemylove that's something I try to ignore I guess but it has been an issue for 16yrs! He's not at all an alcoholic he doesn't drink regularly but when he does he can not hold his drink at all!!! He embarrasses himself and anyone he's with and spends days afterwards moaning about how embarrassed he is. He once caused a big scene at his friends mums funeral! Lucky his friend is understanding... I thought he would grow out of it as we got older but it is still the same.
I don't feel I can really stop him as that's his choice and he knows he destroys our social life and probably that's why he waits to go out with people who know how awful he is after a few beers but maybe that's what is frustrating I want us to build new friendships not sit at home while he sticks to binge drinking every 6-8 weeks! But he missunserstands my upset as me wanting him to be boring and watch tv all weekend, I don't, I guess your right maybe I resent his refusal to evolve and improve OUR social life

[Summershiny365]

DDRB yes 50% is unplanned like I said last week he walked to buy a drinks from shop and didn't return home, I've ordered take away in the past while he and a guest pops to the pub for one and he never came back for it! I ate alone... He is definitely 100% loving our new life which makes these times so hard to cope with, it's really upsetting... He has just text me saying "cancelled Sat so I can stay in and watch tv for you"... How do I even respond without giving him the argument he wants???

[firesidechat]

Nasty comment from him.

Do you go out as a family at weekends or would he find that boring too? We rarely stayed in to watch tv when the children were younger and weekends were for going out, even if just for a walk.