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Struggling to get over it (long post apologies)

(5 Posts)
Desperate19 Mon 27-Jul-15 19:23:51

Had an up and down marriage for the first 5 years. 8 yrs ago had massive bust up, hard to explain. It sounded like someone answered his phone when out for a night whilst I was away. He then failed to answer his phone til he got home (I was away at the time). I demanded answers and he said he'd never done anything but had had a lap dance some time ago and been to a few strip clubs. I found a non personal email from friends reunited dating website that he had set up an account for. He said he'd done set it up on the train home to see who was on there or something. Went for marriage guidance. All was better than before and thought we were happily married for the last 8 yrs. Have just discovered he's recently had a BJ from a prostitute whilst v drunk (he didn't volunteer this inf. I found out). I do know for a fact that he was very drunk as spoke to him the next morning and his speech was slurred and I know the guys he was out with before. We really do have all the ingredients and have been happy for some time. Whilst he can do this and risk hurting the kids I don't want to do that to them. If I didn't love him I would leave. If I didn't have children I would leave. It breaks my heart to think of what we had a few weeks ago.
He's been v. remorseful and proactive and says he never wants to be at risk of that happening again. Has gone back to the same councillor, promised not to drink when I'm not there, offered to have hypnotherapy, offered to pack up his job, go part time, has been to the STI clinic, offered to move out for a few days (I would want this because if we're going to make a go of this I would rather hide it from the children)
My points are this….

1) I don't trust his past, how can I reconcile with that?
2) Everytime I hear the word "prostitute" I recoil (good job that wasn't in todays headlines!)
3) Not sure I trust his future either
4) Think he's genuinely revolted and at risk of an emotional affair where he can move away from the person he's been with me and start again.
5) Am worried I'm staying with him for the wrong reasons. Have always hated "those women" who stay for the lifestyle. (I don't need to stay for financial reasons, but I wonder if pride and admitting failure is affecting my judgement)
6) Has he been at it constantly for years and been better at hiding it?
7) I don't want to be that belittling wife who constantly snipes at her husband and puts him in his place. the little digs etc.

Has anyone actually got past this?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 27-Jul-15 19:29:47

what do you get out of this relationship now?.

what is keeping you within this, staying for the children is never a good idea and am certain too that they know things between you are not good and have heard far more than you care to realise.

Is this really the example of a marriage you want to be showing them, that this could become their normal too?.

if there is no trust there is no relationship. trust is impossible to rebuild once lost and this was really over some years back.

QuiteLikely5 Mon 27-Jul-15 19:29:58

Is he in the forces?

Joysmum Mon 27-Jul-15 19:44:53

This isn't a one off, a one off would be bad enough but he has history. You have reason not to trust his past, present or future and I think you'd be mad to.

Desperate19 Mon 27-Jul-15 20:08:08

Not in the forces no.
Attila, I get a good husband and father if i put these things aside. I'm not staying for the kids. I do love him and stupidly believe he still loves me. If we couldn't get back to a harmonious balanced marriage I wouldn't bother, I don't want my kids brought up like that. If what we had a few weeks ago wasn't worth it I wouldn't be bothering. Just hoping there's someone out there who has been through this and come out the other side….

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