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What would you think in this situation?

(59 Posts)
DotDotDots Mon 27-Jul-15 14:01:30

I've been dating a guy I met online for the last 11 months. We hit it off pretty well and things have gone quickly. It's not been without its problems, mainly around our respective dc not gelling very well but I've been very happy and could see a good future with this guy who I thought was very different from most (I know everyone thinks that).

We have both been cheated on and lied to in our previous relationships and BF made it very clear from the outset that he expected complete honesty from both of us. He even specified that he expected to be told if a guy had tried it on on nights out. And I duly obeyed his wishes.

However, over the weekend (which was a bit difficult because we had to have some in depth discussions about the future due to the DC's issues) he told me that he had bumped into an ex and she'd since been messaging him asking him if they could meet up etc. I'm not a jealous person normally and I trusted him implicitly so I wasn't too bothered but something irked a bit but I put it down to the fact that we had been having difficult conversations about the future.

However, he called me from work today to say that they didn't just bump into each other - she had invited him round to collect some stuff he'd left there (over 18 months ago). This was apparently a ruse and she had tried to kiss him. He says he pushed her away saying he had a gf. She has since been messaging him (not sure by what method as he told me he blocked her on facebook and he got a new number in the last 6 months) threatening to tell me that they'd slept together.

He met up with her last Wednesday and has only just told me this today. So he's effectively been lying since then. I have thought back to that day and he was let out early from work and called me to tell me that he was on his way. But he arrived much later than he should have and when questioned, said he'd bumped into a colleague and visited a friend.

I've asked him to send me screen shots of the messages between them but despite saying he would, he's not sent them through. I've also checked my other inbox on FB but she hasn't sent anything. He says she knows who I am but doesn't understand how hmm. What makes this whole thing worse is that this isn't the first time one of his exes has threatened to tell me they were sleeping together behind my back.

He's adamant nothing has happened but it doesn't look good does it? I already feel betrayed by the fact that he delayed telling me and only did apparently as a reaction to her threats. Ive also lost a lot of respect for him since the lying has shown him to be a hypocrite if nothing else.

Not sure why I'm posting really. I'm hurt and feel like a fool for believing he was in any way different. But I'm not afraid to be on my own. So as in the title - what would you think in this situation and what would you do?

Jan45 Mon 27-Jul-15 14:08:28

I'd think the same as you and feel the same as you, unless he provides you with the evidence, I'd not trust a word he said.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 27-Jul-15 14:11:09

You're right - it doesn't look good and, more particularly, as there seems to be a queue of women waiting to tell you he's been having it off with them while he's been persuading you that he's honesty personified.

In your situation I'd think he's a lying little toad who's no longer welcome in my life and, after I'd told him where to go, I'd get checked for stis at a GUM clinic.

VelmaD Mon 27-Jul-15 14:12:01

I'd say it sounds like he went for a shag, she found out afterwards he had a girlfriend and has threatened to tell all - so he's trying to make out she's telling lies pre empting her contacting you. Sorry :-(

Goodbyemylove Mon 27-Jul-15 14:23:36

What a vile man. Yes he's getting in quickly before she does. Sounds like he had no choice.

It's very unusual that someone else threatened to do the same. How many women is he messing about?

Tell him to walk.

Handywoman Mon 27-Jul-15 14:39:04

How can you trust him after that?

Clearly he went round to his ex for a shag and is now concocting a story to cover his tracks.

Time to send the following text: I've enjoyed the last 11 months but for a number of reasons it's not working for me. All the best'.



Phone a friend and go out and forget him.

pocketsaviour Mon 27-Jul-15 15:20:54

I've asked him to send me screen shots of the messages between them but despite saying he would, he's not sent them through.

Then they don't exist. Sorry OP sad

theconstantvacuumer Mon 27-Jul-15 15:28:51

I think if you're at the point where you're asking him to send screen shots of messages to and from his ex then you may as well call it a day.

Rafflesway Mon 27-Jul-15 16:06:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jul-15 16:16:24

he is getting his story in first

he is a true hypocrite to demand complete honesty from you when he doesn't think it applies both ways

also, how unusual and unlucky for him that two of his exes have threatened to tell you he has been shagging them

he is one of two species of dickhead (neither of which I recommend you stick around for more of)

1) serial philanderer who enjoys the thrill of pitting women against each other

2) fantasist who makes up these desperately jealous crazy exes to keep you on your toes


justanaveragegirl Mon 27-Jul-15 16:28:42

OP, he wanted YOU to be 100% because of his past (which I am now wondering if what he said it was) yet he clearly has NO intention of being 100% in return.

Hate to be so brutal but get shot of this arsehole blush and find somebody who will respect you and treat your right. Let him get on with it, he's obviously done it before. Those who are paranoid are usually the ones up to something!

Good to hear you aren't afraid to be alone - seems a lot of other ladies in these situations forgive because they are scared of being alone. I always say better to be on your own than alone in a relationship.


DotDotDots Mon 27-Jul-15 23:19:35

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply. It's been a really shit and emotionally exhausting day.

One of his female friends has messaged me to say she doesn't think he's done anything wrong. Then his other ex, the one that had also threatened to tell me they were sleeping together behind my back, also messaged to say she didn't think he'd done anything wrong but also acknowledged her part due to her previous threats?!?! She also said that this other ex had messaged her too. Both exes are saying this woman is a 'psycho' who likes to cause trouble. They all live in the next city over so I don't know any of them.

He then sent me the screen shots of their messages but said he had deleted the first few as apparently they've been messaging back and forth over the weekend. The only messages left were from this morning onwards. I've got to say, it looks pretty bad from the few I've seen, mostly him begging her not to stir it and her calling him a liar and a dog, but no actual admissions of what went on. According to BF, she was saying he better tell me or she would and at one point he says he has told me but she says 'what? That you just came round to say hello?'.

I don't know what to think now. It was enough for me that he had lied about being there but he's adamant that this was a mistake and he didn't realise the position he was putting himself in. He also said he was going to tell me anyway but couldn't find the right words and was worried due to the conversations we were having about the future.

I've told him I need some time and space to think and not to contact me. My head says end it but my heart wants to believe him so much. I really thought he was one of the good guys. Absolutely devastated! sad

DotDotDots Mon 27-Jul-15 23:20:38

Sorry, 'both exes' should say 'his friend and other ex are saying'

LookAtMeGo Mon 27-Jul-15 23:31:11

Him demanding complete honesty from you is a classic case of projecting.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Mon 27-Jul-15 23:34:35

He set u up, saying he wants complete honesty, which is a normal given, to make u believe hes honest. I think theres more to this, if u are normally not the jealous type,.why are u feeling jealous? I can imagine hes telling u what he thinks you want to hear. Hes a player.

CrispyFern Mon 27-Jul-15 23:37:44

I am so sorry, there is no way this can be twisted into him being innocent from what you've seen. sad
He is a git. Sorry.

SerialBox Mon 27-Jul-15 23:43:12

I'm sorry but everything points to him being a liar.

Why is his other ex and friend messaging you? Did you message them about it or did he tell them and ask them to message you?

DowntownFunk Mon 27-Jul-15 23:49:05


DotDotDots Mon 27-Jul-15 23:52:15

Serial, no, I have never spoken to or met either the friend or ex before. The ex that messaged me is the mother to his dc. He says he didn't ask either of them to get in touch. Both say in their messages that he's devastated and would never do anything to hurt me because he loves me so much. I never thought he'd hurt me either sad.

I was married to a serial cheat for 12 years so I know all too well how easily they lie. I promised myself after I left him that I would never accept that kind of behaviour again and would operate on a one strike and you're out. I just don't think there is a way back from this. I can't trust him and I know from bitter experience how painful it is to be with someone you can't trust.

Hello heartbreak, my familiar foe.

Vernazza Tue 28-Jul-15 00:02:16

So he didn't ask the mother of his DC to get in touch and yet somehow she just contacted you out of the blue to tell you what a great guy he is? Yeah. �� sounds to me like he's treading water as fast as he can to try and stop this one from capsizing. Usually where there's smoke there's fire hmm

Iflyaway Tue 28-Jul-15 00:07:07

Sounds like a lot of drama.

Is this the kind of guy you want a future with?

Heartbreak?! Be thankful he showed you his true self.

Become independent. Then you can be more discerning about the type of relationship you want in your life.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jul-15 04:51:57

how can you be arsed with this ?

get some self respect, stop engaging with these teenagers and tell him to fuck off for good

expatinscotland Tue 28-Jul-15 05:05:32

Do the Freedom Programme before you date. 11 months in and all this complicated drama is silly.

gamerchick Tue 28-Jul-15 05:11:32

Yeah man total drama queen he is.

Life is too short for this sort of roller coaster, tell him to knob off and find yourself a grown up.

TheDowagerCuntess Tue 28-Jul-15 05:23:10

This was apparently a ruse...

Oh please. Yes, she's Pussy Galore, and he's James Bond. hmm

Why would she 'threaten to tell you they'd slept together', they hadn't? What on earth would be in it for her?

The classic 'women lie - especially about having had sex - and can't be believed for a second' approach. I'd dump his sorry arse for that alone, let alone the pathetic rest of it.

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