Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I think it's my ILs I have a problem with

(4 Posts)
RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion Mon 27-Jul-15 11:27:07

I posted a thread in step parenting yesterday (sorry I don't know which button to press in my phone to ask Mumsnet HQ to move thread), here's a link:

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/2434235-Cant-get-passed-feeling-angry-for-him

Anyway I've been thinking overnight that the problem is really with my ILs and this latest situation is just a symptom of that. My BIL has always been a bit of a snake in the grass when it comes to DH. He will initially make the right noises and seem supportive then set about making snide jibes and nasty comments. He tries to order DH around via text message, which is hilarious as he is the younger sibling. They are phrased like 'you are to do this or you are to do that'. DH ignores it but it does wind him up. If DH says anything BIL will act all hurt. My SIL is very bitchy about everyone and has said some horrible things over the years to lots of people. Their now adult child grew up being pushed from pillar to post because of BILs job, regularly changed schools no stability at all. The child (won't put gender in) recently got into serious trouble by fighting in a pub and narrowly avoided further action by Police but others who were also involved ended up in prison. confused

I genuinely don't think it's the kid's (young adult's) fault as over the years I've seen them struggle with fitting in, gaining weight, keeping friends and emotionally stability. When we saw them years ago BIL and SIL had a massive fight in public in front of them, I just put my my arms around them and comforted them as they sobbed. Very sad sad

Anyway in contrast DHs kids have done brilliantly! Great grades, top marks. DH spent many hours going through coursework with them and helping them as they are following him in to his profession so he's perfectly placed to mentor them. They have come through with flying colours!

Anyways. ILs took no interest in kids previously, SIL used to make nasty comments about them which was horrible. But now they've started taking an interest in DHs kids and freezing out DH. They are going over for a holiday and almost trying to take credit for them!

I know I should just say great, have a great time but I can't help but worry. I also know a lot more than the ex does about what's going in and I'm worried they'll be stuck in a situation where ILs will be fighting, encouraging them to get drunk or saying nasty things about DH to stir up trouble.

Anyway I'm sure I'm being unreasonable, as I've been told on the step parenting board, but I can't help but feel pissed off for DH and worried sad for them. They are not the most worldly kids and the ILs can be quite devious.

I've posted here now because I think there might be a lot more experience around IL issues grin

Anon4Now2015 Mon 27-Jul-15 11:51:14

I've replied on the other board, but the fact that you've posted here as well to me just re-enforces the idea that you are over-involved in all this. You need to take a step back. Your DH is aware of all this and is choosing to deal with it by ignoring the back-biting and by letting the other adults in his family make their own relationships with each other without him interfering. You need to respect his decision and do the same.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 27-Jul-15 12:09:00

Anyway in contrast DHs kids have done brilliantly! Great grades, top marks. DH spent many hours going through coursework with them and helping them as they are following him in to his profession so he's perfectly placed to mentor them. They have come through with flying colours!

Your dh has obviously done a great job with his children and it's highly unlikely that a holiday with their wider family members will undo all of the work he's put into them.

Take your cue from your dh and know that, in the unlikley event that his dcs minds are turned by other family members, he'll be more than capable of putting them right.

RaaRaaNoiseyLittleLion Mon 27-Jul-15 12:50:34

I know you are right and posting on here is much safer than letting my feelings out at home. I'm really trying to hold it all in and just support DH.

I'm not good at doing a poker face but I'm trying. Please help me find a bit of calmness on this by talking it through. It took a long time to navigate through the blended family thing but we got there and I'm really proud of the kids. But there's been a lot if heartache behind the scenes and I'm just worried stbILs will rip open things again just out if spite.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now