How do you say "I want some space so will you both just p'off for a bit"

[sweetpud]

Sorry its a long one!

I don't know if this will come across as me just being an old nark but I'm getting fed up and want some peace!

My son is 24 but acts like he is 15(no really), still living at home, and pays a small amount of rent. And to be honest he couldn't really afford to move out yet.
He does work but gets help if needs be, including back handers off my dh, though the pair of them think I don't know!
He comes and goes whenever he wants, and keeps his room like a shit pitt, even though we are constantly getting him to clean it!

I am constantly saying that I can never see him leaving home in the future, and why would he if its so comfortable here!

Now to add to the mix my son has been in a relationship for about 8 months now but its extremely serious, in the fact they are spending all their time together. Though I don't think that's healthy really.

Anyway most of their spare time is spent here, so that includes meals a lot of the time, which is stressful in itself as I'm never sure if I have cooked enough or if I've done too much and they have already eaten. It doesn't work with me asking if they are eating here early in the day as my son works funny shifts and never seems to know what he is doing later?! Or then if I haven't made them any food, he will come in and cook something late on in the evening which really winds me up!

The stop overs are getting more and more frequent, even though me and DH have said she cannot move in here, besides which the house is too small for that anyway. They have had a stop over for the last three days as I write this.

My son will sometimes leave his gf here for the whole day if he is working late, so she may be here with us until 10 or 11 at night till he gets home, and we don't know if she is staying over or going home. She doesn't really have a good relationship with her mum and has sort of latched on to me, she has even been telling my dh and I that she loves us, which we found a little uncomfortable, though we are used to hearing it now. She does work but only a few hours here and there, and also has no desire to find a full time job or to get a career. Seems to like her free time and of course to not be working when my son isn't so they can go out for the day or whatever.
.
We can't say we don't like her as she is a really lovely girl, who we don't mind spending time with, she often comes shopping with me, but I feel like I am living in their relationship and its starting to grate.

Me and Dh never seem to have any time for "us" anymore, and we can't sit and watch a film in peace when we want to, even though they are spending a lot of time in my son's room.

If it boils down to it then I know it would have to be me that would say something, so how do you not offend or hurt feelings???

I have always liked my own company, which is great, and I used to get plenty of "me" time because my dh is at work all day, meaning I can do my housework in peace, blast my fave tunes out if I want or just sit and watch crap tv if I fancy it. but sometimes lately I don't have that choice and its peeing me off at the moment.

[FolkGirl]

You're the adult Iin this relationship; you're the parent.

Why don't you say something?

[FolkGirl]

"I'm watching the tv in peace thus evening?"

Or

"You'll need to make yourself scarce today, I have plans for today?"

Or

"What are you doing this evening? We want the house to ourselves"

[DrMorbius]

Parenting is not rocket science. Just like when he was 5, tell him, how its "going to be". Friends are allowed to stay over for 1 night only, they are not to be left in house alone (without prior approval). Dinner is for 2 (you and DH) unless notice is given. Any area outside his bedroom is left totally clean and tidy.

Your house your rules.

[DoreenLethal]

A - he needs to be paying rent
B - any more than one night a week, and so does she
C - if you need space just tell them what you want. Ie weekdays no, weekends pick one night or start paying rent. Daytimes, no. After 6pm, maybe. They aren't mindreaders...

[FolkGirl]

At 24, why isn't he cooking his own meals/doing own shopping even if he is still living at home?

At his age he should be living tjrte as a lodger, not a dependent child?

[differentnameforthis]

Of course you still have that choice, it is your home so you live in it how you already do & stop pandering to her! Just get on with it, if she doesn't like it, she can leave.

And at 24, he is more than capable of cooking for himself & his gf, & clearing it up...I don't see why that should grate on you.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Why can't your ds afford to move out? While he may not be able to afford a flat/house on his own, surely his income will stretch to a double room in a shared flat for him and his gf who seems to have taken a leaf out of Waity Katie's book?

Unless you and your dh pull together in evicting launching your fledgling from the nest, you may find that your ds and his gf hatch an egg of their own while under your roof and your small property will become even more cramped.

Hopefully that thought will give you the impetus to start laying down the law and reclaiming your space.

[Hero1callylost]

If he's working full time he must be able to afford to move out, even if it makes money tight for him - that's just reality. Tell him he needs to start looking for a place of his own.

In the meantime I would tell him you're not cooking for him unless he gives you prior notice and takes on his fair share of cooking/cleaning. I definitely wouldn't be cooking for his girlfriend unless he's asked if he can invite her round for a meal. And just tell him when you want time alone with your DH - that will be another impetus for him to move out!

This is just about communication - it's not hard, you just need to be honest with him.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

A friend had this same problem more or less. She was divorced and the DS was trying to spin it that she actually needed company. But it was like running a free hotel. Eventually she snapped and said what your thread title says.
She said they looked at her like she was stomping on kittens.

In your shoes I would raise it first with DS on his own. Perhaps keep two issues separate, how he lives under your roof, and the gf's presence.

House rules including sort out squalor of room, general consideration, paying his way, arrangements over meals.

Then issue two, you and his dad need to feel you have privacy in your free time. Tell him to cut back on her staying over. If you want a lodger she'll pay rent. If he is out she isn't to hang around. Remind him please give you space.

Btw If he tells you his mates' parents are all thrilled to have them and their partners staying well bully for them, maybe he and she can go stay too!

It is hard for his generation to get their own place but if he's availing himself of your generosity he starts upping his game.

[sweetpud]

Thank-you all so much for the advice and suggestions, I have certainly taken it all in.
I'm sat here now making notes so I can get my point across properly and I'm going to make a list of house rules, even though that may sound a bit sad I know.
Me and dh cannot keep going on like this, its causing far to much stress and everyone must be sick to death of hearing me moan.

And the more I think about it, the more I realise that our Ds's gf will not sort herself out either if we let her spend most of her time here, she needs to sort things at home with her parents who are putting pressure on to get a proper job.

[sweetpud]

Thank-you all so much for the advice and suggestions, I have certainly taken it all in.
I'm sat here now making notes so I can get my point across properly and I'm going to make a list of house rules, even though that may sound a bit sad I know.
Me and dh cannot keep going on like this, its causing far to much stress and everyone must be sick to death of hearing me moan.

And the more I think about it, the more I realise that our Ds's gf will not sort herself out either if we let her spend most of her time here, she needs to sort things at home with her parents who are putting pressure on to get a proper job.

[goddessofsmallthings]

she needs to sort things at home with her parents who are putting pressure on to get a proper job

Which is why she's spending all her time at your place and has latched on to Mr & Mrs Softy you and your dh

[titchinatrance]

Been through something very similar. DS and GF moved in with us between uni and getting their own place. I made it very clear that what we had going on was a house-share NOT children depending on mummy. They did all their own washing, shopping, cooking etc. and kept their stuff strictly to their own room. No rent though, as the less they gave to me the quicker they saved up a deposit on a place of their own.
It worked reasonably well, which I think is about the best you can hope for.
So talk to them as equals, and lay down some ground rules.
And when they go you and DH can have a whale of a time!

[happyh0tel]

At 24 they should be supporting themselves, both with full time jobs, or more than one job
Or jobs & further training to get better jobs

You are essentially treating them like children, not adults

Suggest asking them what plans they have for moving into their own house share eg saving up

How much do they pay to stay at your house each week ?

Rent, bills, food are expensive & they should be paying you the market rate or saving lots to move out

If they get pregnant, will you have the baby stay at your house too ?

At the moment you are not giving them any incentive to move out

[sweetpud]

I don't know what to think or do now as the talks I've had with dh haven't got me very far! Dh is quite an easy going person, and a bit laid back though he can rise to a vile temper if things get to a certain point.

Anyway dh has told me that he doesn't have a problem with son's gf staying over so much if they keep the room tidy and ds shows a little more respect etc. He said that he doesn't think I would mind her being there so much if our son would grow up and act responsibly, I disagree as its still our home and I don't want to live in their relationship. I feel like such a horrible bastard because I do like the girl, but I like my own space and my own company too.

The last two days I have told my son to drop his gf home before he goes to work as I want the day to myself! I'm sat here wondering about where their relationship can possibly go from here on, because as I see it the four nights staying here will just merge into 5,6,7 nights!!
Ds does pay a minimal rent but I couldn't ask his gf as she hasn't any money anyway

[loveyoutothemoon]

Ask him to move out. He's 24! Surely he can afford something small to rent. He should be responsible at his age.

[loveyoutothemoon]

Time to get tough!

[FolkGirl]

Well if you've asked him to take her home the last couple of days, you've made a start. Your husband doesn't have to agree, you know. You're entitled to your own opinion on it.

What was your son's response?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I sympathise about you needing that degree of privacy in your own home. And people used to say two can live as cheaply as one. Four adults one of whom isn't even working cannot live as cheaply as one.

Don't let DH make you feel a meanie. You aren't denying your child a home he is 24 and, unless I read it wrong, without a by your leave is expecting his gf to enjoy the comforts of his home which incidentally is yours. As he is so laidback is DH going to address the question of keeping the bedroom clean and ventilated? Or the increased food budget and electricity bill? Eight months in and it doesn't seem to have made DS a more considerate person but he's not out on the lash every night or bringing home randoms.

Having stated your case no need for mum to look the villain, maybe say to DH you will see how things go until September and if they show more effort and appreciation you might reconsider.

Btw your DH might sing a different tune if once she's got her feet under the table she and DS think mum + dad are cool about us here so let's have a baby.

[StealthPolarBear]

I think you and DH need to take up a hobby. Tantric sex?

[ovenchips]

Agree with FolkGirl. And if I've understood correctly you are at home during the day (with his GF if she's there). So your DH's experience is really rather different to yours.

I honestly don't know why you are thinking of yourself as a 'bastard' for getting fed up of the current situation and wanting things to change. Tis perfectly reasonable.

[ijustwannadance]

Doesnt she work at all? I agree with donkey, she'll end up pregnant. Tell son staight that she does not live in your home and it is not appropriate for her to be there when he isn't. That's just weird.

[NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten]

I remember watching a TV series like this - 'Hotel of Mum and Dad' I think it was called... lots of adult children living like particularly helpless young teens except that they'd moved a boy or girlfriend in too, who the parents were somehow sacked into cooking and washing and cleaning for...

Could you afford to loan them / DS the deposit on a bedsit they can afford the rent on, and be guarantor? If not then put the rent he pays you into savings for a deposit and give him a deadline to find a place in 6 months, at which point you will give him the deposit?

If they can't afford a bedsit then a student/ London style double room in a house share?

[venusandmars]

Your son is an adult, he works, he earns he's in an adult relationship with his girlfriend. So have an adult conversation with him. Share information about your household budget with him. Show him how much it costs for food. Tell him you need a bigger contribution for rent (even if you save it to help him out with a rental deposit) Show him comparison costs for renting a double room in a flat. Tell him that his rent does not include cleaning, washing, cooking. Ask him for a 6 month plan for what he's going to do - save up and find somewhere of his own, perhaps? IN the meantime set some rules about his girlfriend - maybe 2 overnights stays per week, and no to her being in your home without him.

It isn't so hard for your dh because his space and time are not being eroded in the daytime, like your is, and I guess that he is not the one who is responsible for shopping, cooking etc. But make it clear to dh how stressful you find it, and therefore your ARE setting out some rules. Ask for dh's support on the things that his IS bothered about - what specifically do you want him to do about his room? What are the standards for showing more respect? (agreeing to abide by your rules would be a good start).

I don't know where you live, so know nothing about the affordability of him moving out, but a room in a shared flat is a good lace to start, and it lets your ds and his gf work out for themselves whether being together and living together is really manageable on his wage and her small income.

[crazyhead]

My parents very gently turfed me out when i was that sort of age - I went home for a couple of years after uni. I paid keep, and commuted to London - it helped me to get on my feet a bit financially, and they then said 'er...we want our car and space back' and prompted me to go for a higher paid job and get into a house share.

What are your son's plans? Is he saving and working hard to earn a bit more and get himself into better paid work? The GF really ought to be aiming to work full time as well at this stage of her life.

I think if it was my sons (currently way too small for this to be an issue) I could stick it for a bit if they could demonstrate they were saving up for a deposit, or progressing their career - if they appreciated that the time spent living with me was not to be taken for granted, but to be used to gain independence. But I wouldn't want to be used for the soft option....