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Are we heading for a breakup?(5 Posts)
Sorry if this ends up being really long- I need to get all this off my chest and get some feedback from you all...
The other night DP and I had a massive row. I'd just got in from work after a good day and was in quite a good mood. As we sat down to dinner I brought up a new job I had seen online that I said I might apply for (we are moving to a new area soon), and DH got really angry. He criticized the job, told me I was being irresponsible with our families future and that he thought 'we agreed' that I was going to go into teaching as is good for DD's school holidays/ pension/ pay progression etc. In actual fact I AM considering teaching- much pushed by him I might add- but was simply saying I am keeping an open mind about job prospects.
I know it comes from him wanting us to have a good quality of life etc, but I resent him pushing me into something, and making me feel any other option is selfish/inadequate. I don't earn anywhere near as much as him pro rata, but equally I work PT and look after our DD.
Anyway, I got angry because I felt he was being a bit controlling, and the row escalated with him shouting in my face that he hates me sometimes and storming into the other room. After about ten minutes I follow him in and try and talk to him- he isn't usually this volatile so I wondered what was up to be honest. He then starts a full character assassination of me, and tells me I have changed and that I haven't been the same since our DD was born. He also tells me he hasn't been happy with me for the last year.
(I should probably add that I had PND after having DD and DP didnt really cope with it very well and that caused quite a few problems between us.. but problems that i felt we had moved on from)
The next day he retracted some of what he said, and says that there are lots of good things about me too, and that he hasn't been unhappy ALL of the last year just sometimes, but that he finds me difficult to live with.
The whole thing has really shaken me and I dont know what to do. Since DD was born we have slept in separate bedrooms. It started because I was feeding her, but DD is now 2, and is a great sleeper in her own room. I have brought up with him so many times that I would like to feel closer to him physically and would like us to share a bed again but he says that he gets a better nights sleep on his own and it isnt anything to do with me. I brought this up when we talked and he did take some responsibility for it, but I suppose I'm sick of nagging my DP to sleep in the same bed as me. He should WANT to, surely?
He says he loves me, and I love him, but I feel like he just wishes I was a different personality to the one I am to be honest. I don't want him to be with me if I don't make him happy- but I love my little family and would break my heart to see it fall apart. Its not a great feeling at all...
Oh gosh. I'm sorry but yes you are heading for a breakup if something doesn't change.
You don't sound emotionally close, is that a fair assumption? Do you think he wants to be? Are you affectionate with each other?
I would put the move off for the moment, if possible, especially if it means more financial commitment.
Do you think he would talk about things, particularly the sleeping in different rooms thing?
Are you physically intimate?
Sorry you are going through this.
Thanks for your reply. On some levels I would say we are close emotionally- we have been together for 10 years and know eachother very well, but in a way I feel like he is quite quick to 'shut off' from me when we have a row. He isnt great at expressing his feelings and never has been, so things tend to get bottled up and then he explodes over something small.
He said last night that he knew he had things to work on in terms of being intimate. But he has said that before and nothing has changed. I have managed to be strong enough to let him know I don't want to go on like this though. I'm only in my twenties- thats a long time to sleep alone...
We used to be affectionate but not really anymore. We will hug sometimes, but only if I initiate it usually. And if we watch something on TV we tend to sit on separate chairs. I would love to have someone to snuggle up with, needy as that sounds. But I feel that if I have to nag him to do it, it takes all the fun out of it anyway..
Would he go to counselling? If not would you?
I would yes. I have never been to counselling before- would have no idea what to expect.. I doubt that he would, but maybe it would be worth asking him? I am feeling really down about it all. How do you know if you are the right person for someone? I don't have much relationship experience with anyone else so I have nothing to compare it to.
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