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Totally excluded from group of friends and no idea why

(247 Posts)
nuttynittynora Mon 27-Jul-15 09:03:08

When DD started school 4 years ago I became friendly with 3 other mums; I'll call them Lucy, Jayne and Anna for this thread.

For 3 years we all got on well and had lots of meet ups with the kids, lots of nights out, barbecues at each others' houses and I thought we were all good friends. I was closest to Lucy out of them all as we live in the same road and so saw more of each other. We even went on holiday as a family with Lucy and her DH and children.

About a year ago I noticed that all 3 of them were, seemingly overnight, being quite offhand with me. It was nothing that I could specifically put my finger on, but I just felt less welcome in a group with them all and like they didn't want to talk to me. They would all claim to be busy whenever I suggested doing anything together. I gave them the benefit of the doubt as had no reason to think that they weren't busy.

Then one night a few weeks after this started I noticed that Lucy had put some pictures on Facebook titled 'A great night out with great friends', and it turned out that all 3 of them had been out to the cinema then for a meal and I hadn't been invited. I was upset but didn't want to appear needy and so I didn't say anything to them all. I decided to pretend that it doesn't bother me but it really does.

I have carried on being polite and friendly to them all when I see them but none of them invite me out anymore, and I feel with them all that they seem to think they need to avoid me at all costs. If I see any of them individually and speak to them they act all wide eyed and desperate to get away and keep looking around them. All of their husbands have de-friended me on Facebook.

They are all having regular nights out and often invite other school mums along, but never me. Even my next door neighbour gets invited!

I truly cannot think of anything that I could have done to cause such offence seemingly overnight to all 3 of them! I was a good friend to them all for 3 years and I'm really not the type of person to be gobby and outspoken and cause offence by being myself.

I know I should be getting over it by now but I noticed last night on FB they were all sharing poems on each others' walls about good friendships and valuing each other and I just felt sorry for myself.

hesterton Mon 27-Jul-15 09:04:41

Sounds horrid. Have you asked?

Only1scoop Mon 27-Jul-15 09:07:49

Must be horrible all you can do is ask why I guess.

Although if they are sharing friendship poems on FB walls then I personally think you are the lucky one here.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 27-Jul-15 09:08:11

How puzzling. Does your DH have any theories? I'm afraid you may never find out but hold your head high and try not to check out what they are up to on FB.

Pagwatch Mon 27-Jul-15 09:08:26

You really need to just ask.
It can't get any worse so why not just say 'I thought we were friends but you are now distant and excluding me. Did I do something?'

Iwantobreakfree Mon 27-Jul-15 09:08:37

I would be blunt and ask them outright,you have nothing to lose and their behavior is horrible,especially as they haven't even explained why they've cut the friendship dead

Sallyhasleftthebuilding Mon 27-Jul-15 09:08:42

This is why i came off facebook. Make a decision to find new friends.

HelpMeInTheBedroom Mon 27-Jul-15 09:10:54

This is bizarre OP, very odd that their DHs have all unfriended you!

I think you need to confront them face to face, possibly Lucy first as you say you're closest to her?

Are you single OP and maybe once appeared too friendly with one of their DHs? That's the only reason j can think of your them being funny and their DHs unfriending you!

I hope this gets resolved, it must be awful for you. Very isolating! sad

mrsmeerkat Mon 27-Jul-15 09:10:56

Really hurtful

I have a very close friend who never contacted me once I got pregnant. Not once. She was my bridesmaid and went went out every weekend together for years.

As soon I wasn't available for nights out.. bang. No contact.

I have got cynical now. It is a dog eat dog world.

All I can say is hide them on fakebook and try and meet other friends.

Iwantobreakfree Mon 27-Jul-15 09:11:13

And defriend them on Facebook,you don't need to be seeing every occasion where they continually exclude you,just adding insult to injury

Duckdeamon Mon 27-Jul-15 09:11:18

That is really horrible. It sounds like the friendships is over for reasons you don't know, so I guess the Q to consider is whether there's any point in talking to Lucy about why they have done this, or telling her or all of them you've found what they've done hurtful.

I would block them on FB, you don't need that kind of stress.

HelpMeInTheBedroom Mon 27-Jul-15 09:11:38

I agree about the friendship poems, lucky escape!

mrsmeerkat Mon 27-Jul-15 09:12:49

i think i would delete them

Baffledmumtoday Mon 27-Jul-15 09:13:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hellion7433 Mon 27-Jul-15 09:14:57

You have two choices really. Firstly you could ask them in a constructive manner what's happened, have you upset them and say you feel you are left out. Explain that you really value their friendship and have supported them over the years. Alternatively move on and make different friends.

It could be that you have, unaware upset them or they were only friends while you were useful or they have all naturally moved on.

strawberryshoes Mon 27-Jul-15 09:15:13

Hmm, I would be sad too.

I think I would need to ask (i'd probably email Lucy) to see if it was a specific incident or misunderstanding that has caused them to stop inviting you and being friendly.

You might just get fobbed off and then be aware Lucy has had the "oh-my-god-she-emailed-me-AWKWARD!" chat with the other 2, but i'd have to try to find out what ended the friendship.

As others have said, hold your head high, make other friends and move on. I would probably hide their feeds on facebook too.

MrsWembley Mon 27-Jul-15 09:15:38

This happened to me once, when I was 19, two girls I'd been to school with and been very close to for about four or five years. It still hurts 26 years later but then, that's probably because I never found out why. I do hate the term, but 'closure' is a good thing.

Please ask one of them, or it will be there in the back of your mind for a long time.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Mon 27-Jul-15 09:16:01

I wondered too if you were single, with the comment that all their DHs had unfriended you on FB. confused

Ask. It will be uncomfortable, but no less uncomfortable than not knowing and being excluded.

Any person that is willing to simply shut you out without even discussing a perceived problem with you is not really a good friend IMO.

Queenbean Mon 27-Jul-15 09:16:28

Sounds like they think you've done something but... I mean this in the nicest way, there's not much point in a load of strangers speculating on a forum - can't you just ask the one that you're closest to?

ReggaeShark Mon 27-Jul-15 09:17:02

That's horrid. What a load of bitches. Are their DC's still friendly with yours at/out of school?

gamerchick Mon 27-Jul-15 09:17:04

I agree if it's bugging you then you need to have it out with them.

However personally I would just block them all, put that chapter of my life behind me and forget about them. Take your phone when you're likely to see them so you can ignore and occupy yourself and if they speak to you you can be polite but that's it.

Life's too short to be involved with a pack of cunts. Time to move on.

But if it's upsetting you then confront them about it.

Bostin Mon 27-Jul-15 09:17:24

There is an odd group of mums around here where the dynamic is constantly changing. People get ditched and others get courted. They don't sound very nice. Hold your head up high and watch from the sidelines, if this is how they behave someone else will be given the cold shoulder in time.

MrsWembley Mon 27-Jul-15 09:17:26

And yes, if they feel the need to share friendship poems on FB then you probably have made a narrow escape!wink

PuppyMonkey Mon 27-Jul-15 09:20:59

The husbands have unfriended you? But not the friends themselves ? Now that IS odd.confused

I would need to know why. Can you DM Lucy?

Is your DH on FB, have they unfriended him too?

lunar1 Mon 27-Jul-15 09:21:03

Do you think you could ask them? Not with the intention of re establishing the friendship but just so that you know. I think what the are doing is bullying by stealth. After all if you had really hurt one of them you would be blocked and defended and they'd have confronted you.

What they are doing is childish and nasty and I'd call them on it if I was you.

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