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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Struggling with boyfriend

16 replies

Babymario15 · 27/07/2015 08:41

Been with my dp for 19 months. He treats me amazing. He's brilliant with my kids, works hard ect ect. We are both 25.

There is a few problems coming up that I don't know what to do.

we hardly have sex. And if we do, he sometimes doesn't come. We attempted it this morning and he was pulling faces, asked what's wrong and he said I was hurting him. He couldn't tell me that?!

he's my best friend. I feel like sometimes we act like best friends rather than partners. He points out women (as do I) who we think would be his "ideal woman". It bloody hurts. I know I'm not his ideal woman. I could discribe his down to her shoes! We were best friends before we got together so I know I'm not his.

he's not very touchy feely. My ex although an abusive prick, made me feel sexy, just by the way he was with me. Dp doesn't do that.

I don't know what to do. I love him to pieces and he makes me laugh so much. But I'm sick of having no confidence because of this!

OP posts:

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CocktailQueen · 27/07/2015 08:43

Hmm. If you hardly ever have sex now, what's it going to be like in 5 years? Or even a year? Sounds very odd that you were 'hurting him' this morning - what were you doing?!

Pointing out other women who could be his ideal women is plain rude and hurtful.

Sounds like he likes you but just doesn't fancy you that much. I'm sorry. If the relationship is making you feel so unconfident, maybe it's time to end it?

Anniegetyourgun · 27/07/2015 08:47

You sound like two people who really should have stayed just friends. Is it possible to go back to that?

TokenGinger · 27/07/2015 08:55

I echo the above. I really think you should just be friends. It sounds like he's slipped in to this accidentally and actually just prefers the friendship; hence the problems with sex and the ease with which he speaks to you about women.

My DP and I point out hot people on TV and stuff, but not in real life! Nor do we point out who his ideal woman is. That's incredibly disrespectful to you.

I think you should reinstate the friendship.

Babymario15 · 27/07/2015 09:23

Thank you everyone. I adore him, and he talks about having a baby and all sorts. It's so confusing.

OP posts:

Goodbyemylove · 27/07/2015 09:35

You're only 25, he's taken on your kids and talking about having another?

Please don't bring another child into this. Sort out your relationship first. It doesn't sound like you are compatible I'm afraid.

Babymario15 · 27/07/2015 09:41

Yep I don't want another child for years. We have loads in common, which is why we get on so well. We both love vintage, same music, ect. His family love me and mine love him. We laugh constantly and have never rowed. We have had two fall outs in 18months and they weren't major.

OP posts:

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 27/07/2015 09:48

You don't fall out when he points out his ideal woman to you?

Dilema76 · 27/07/2015 10:03

Sounds like you have gone for safety and he has just drifted into this relationship without really thinking. If it's like this now, it's only going to get worse I'm afraid. You need to end it as it won't end well if you don't. Sounds like he just doesn't fancy you.

Smorgasboard · 27/07/2015 10:07

Pointing out your ideal woman and describing in detail, just to let you know where you are different, is not treating you amazing at all. Neither is not communicating about important things like sexual matters.
Yes he may be great in other areas, but that seems to come down to common interest, which makes friendships, but you need much more to have a relationship as you are finding out. You need to feel enthusiasm for you from your DP. He's not showing any (being passive?), yet actively putting you up to fail against other women. The first time he did that and hurt your feelings, should of been the last time. Somehow you've stayed passively quiet about that too. You are just not communicating to each other on a level that lovers should.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/07/2015 10:08

You need to go back to being friends. You're sexually incompatible, and he's ruinous for your self-esteem.

You're 25. You've got too much life to live. The sooner you free yourself from this chap, the sooner you'll realize how nice it is to be with someone who's the whole package.

Babymario15 · 27/07/2015 10:16

Thing is, I'm his first girlfriend. And I don't tell him it hurts when he points out women, I just go along with it :(

OP posts:

msrisotto · 27/07/2015 10:19

Why was sex hurting him? My DH had that once and it required medical intervention. All sorted now, but couldn't be left to it's own devices.

That's a very different issue to the rest of it. It is very hurtful when he is pointing out other women and how ideal they are. Very bloody rude! Does he want to be with you? If so, why is he doing this? It's objectively a twatty thing to do. I dunno, it doesn't sound like he fancies you, sorry I know how that sounds but yeah, maybe you two were fine as friends but are you right for each other romantically? Maybe not.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 27/07/2015 10:22

You can't build a lifelong relationship on similar music and clothing tastes
Sorry but those things you have in common are irrelevant. You aren't compatible as a couple, time to cut your losses and try to stay friends if possible.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 27/07/2015 14:18

He wants to make his life with a different "ideal" woman. You want passion that he can't give you. So, that's that then. You are incompatible as sexual partners.

Close it down now and you can both get on with finding the right partner.

ImperialBlether · 27/07/2015 14:21

You'd probably be better staying as friends.

pocketsaviour · 27/07/2015 14:31

So he had never had a girlfriend up to the age of 23/24?

There are two possibilities that spring to mind re the sex problem:

He may be asexual. "Aces" (as the community sometimes refer to themselves) are capable of getting erections and some masturbate, but do not really feel the urge for sex.
If he is feeling pain during sex (I assume in his penis) that could indicate a number of physical conditions: phimosis is probably the likeliest culprit, or possibly an injury to his frenulum.

However... everything else you've described seems to indicate that he's not really in love with you - nor you with him. You are best mates who occasionally have sex. I think you have looked at him and seen a good man who cares for you, and after your abusive ex that must have been incredibly attractive. The two of you have kind of fallen into a relationship and because you're such good friends, it's kind of rubbed along okay. But now it's affecting your self-confidence in the bedroom and it won't be long before his lack of interest starts eroding your confidence and self-esteem in general.

You deserve to be with a man who cherishes and loves you, but who also fancies the arse off you! The two things aren't mutually exclusive, you don't have to make a choice between a caring partner and a partner who finds you sexy. There will be a man out there who ticks both boxes for you

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