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So yesterday he left

(12 Posts)
123why456 Mon 27-Jul-15 04:47:01

Yesterday my dp left and we decided to split up 6 years together and one beautiful dd mutual agreement, he seems ok I cried a lot yesterday this morning I'm up for work and my eyes are puffy as Iv only had about 3 hours sleep, but I don't want to cry anymore in fact I think I feel relived that I don't have to pretend to be happy anymore, how do u get through this really hard time? I want to make sure this doesn't effect dd which why I'm glad that me and dxp are being civil xxxx

Myturnnow4 Mon 27-Jul-15 05:08:20

No advice here, I'm three weeks in and still at the puffy eye stage. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone this morning.

daisyJ123 Mon 27-Jul-15 06:50:50

It will get easier & you will be ok.
Like you said, you don't have to pretend to be happy anymore. Things will fall into place. Try to focus on the good things in your life & talk to friends & family - make some plans to have a holiday or a couple of nights out. Sounds like you know you've done the right thing. Keep being strong.

Goodbyemylove Mon 27-Jul-15 07:05:27

I was in shock for a few days after exh left but it wasn't the worst bit. The most difficult was the three months prior.

So I get what you mean when you say you're crying but also relieved.

If you know it's the right thing to happen you will be ok.

Does work know? That helps if people can cut you a bit of slack. I did have some time off and when I went back people knew so I could just get on with my job and that helped.

Myturnnow4 Mon 27-Jul-15 08:05:43

How are you feeling now? Have you managed to get any more sleep and have you eaten?

123why456 Mon 27-Jul-15 16:27:17

Iv not eaten his just phoned me crying and sobbing it's so hard he seemed so fine with it yesterday today in been fine all day as soon as he dropped dd back it hit me and him? But I know this is the right thing I don't want to take him back just because we are both sad at this time xxx

Myturnnow4 Mon 27-Jul-15 19:17:59

I'm learning that sadness and grief are just huge parts of this. It doesn't mean you have to change your decision, or that the decision is wrong. It just means the end of something, and you've got to grieve for that. I read something really helpful this morning about how we don't have a social acceptance that the end of a relationship is a loss. We don't have rituals about it in the same as retiring from working life, or marking a death etc. Doesn't mean it's not a horrifically difficult time.

Both of you will have feelings all over the place.

I've not eaten either. Perhaps we should promise each other we'll eat something this evening?

FolkGirl Mon 27-Jul-15 21:41:38

It does get better x

123why456 Tue 28-Jul-15 05:33:42

I finally had some pasta but he turned up last night and I just felt nothing I asked him for space and time and he just kept pushing me to make a decision and I couldn't because I think this is the right one its so hard hopefully I'll be to busy at work to think about it today xxx hope ur ok as well xxx

Dowser Tue 28-Jul-15 06:00:07

With my bereavement counsellor's hat on , yes it is a loss and you are grieving . There isn't any social norm on this one. No wedding party, no christening celebration to mark the start of something new or funeral to mark the end of a life, just a big empty chasm.

Whatever you are to each other now, you did love one another . You were a big presence in each others lives. You laughed, loved and maybe were sad together. Think of it as building little bridges from one person to another and now those bridges need to come down bit by bit.

It's a long slow process. It won't happen overnight. While you may not be 'in love ' with them anymore parts of you will still love that person for what they were to you and the good times you had. As its an amicable split no doubt you care very deeply for their welfare.

There's also just missing a physical presence. While you might feel relief that a difficult situation has come to a close we are programmed to recognise the familiar and to some extent miss that familiar presence. Even if times it annoyed the hell out of you!

Letting the grief out is an important part of the process as those bridges you built gradually slip away. The tears you shed are ancknowlegement of the love you once shared. Be proud of yourself for the lovely human being you are . For recognising something wasn't working and having the strength and courage to go it alone instead of letting it dissipate until resentment set in.

Gradually those numb feelings will recede as you start to pick up the new threads of your new life . New interests and new people will step forward into the new space you have created and maybe then you will be able to look back at your old relationship with a fondness that honours the good and let's the bad reabsorb into the mists of time.

That's how I feel about mine anyway.

123why456 Tue 28-Jul-15 06:32:43

Thank you so much that makes so much sense xxx

Myturnnow4 Tue 28-Jul-15 06:37:17

I had some yoghurt.

Would you consider counselling to kind of mediate the separation?

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