Odd breasts stopping me from dating

[PiazzaDelPoppolo]

Hello,

Not sure if this post should be in relationships or elsewhere. Sorry if it's in the wrong place - this is the first time I've posted.

I am single. And have been for nearly three years. Id really like to meet someone and want to start dating again. I'm 36 and would like to settle down and have a family.

The problem is I have assymetric breasts. I don't mean they are slightly different, I mean one side is a DD and the other an A. So it's kind of 'embarrassing bodies' territory.

I don't want surgery to fix them as I would prefer not to go under the knife. The issue is that it's stopping me from dating as I am pretty self conscious naked as you can imagine. Also, I never know when I should tell a potential partner about it - too soon and they run for the hills, too late and it turns into a big scary secret I have to blurt out just before sex.

Has anyone else got any experience of either the same condition or maybe a hidden 'problem' that gets in the way of dating and can offer advice on how best to handle it?

TIA

[Goodbyemylove]

Have you had medical advice on this? I know someone with the same problem and she had an implant on one side and it changed her life.

[BifsWif]

Op you say you don't want surgery, so you have to try and accept and embrace this part of you.

I understand it must be frightening telling a potential partner, but if you overthink it and worry, it becomes bigger than it needs to be. If you think it's heading to the bedroom stage, just mention it if you feel you need to but it doesn't have to be a big sit down conversation. Any decent man won't bat an eyelid I promise.

[Joysmum]

I had asymmetric breasts due to a botched lump removal and then weigh loss left me with empty sacks.

I used to be anti surgery too but had mine done 2.5 years ago and am no longer self conscientious. If it's not for you then it's not for you but I'm so glad I changed my mind and wish I'd had it done years ago, so many wasted years.

[Flipsider]

I'm a chap who lost a testicle in a sports incident at school in my mid teens. It had a profound effect on my relationship with women for many years, all in my own mind, thinking I'd be ridiculed and considered a freak. Now in my mid fifties I can look back on the significant number of women I have been 'intimate' with and not a single one has made any comment on the subject, any discussions all being at my instigation at a later date. All were very understanding, as I would expect any decent man would be in your circumstances. I wish I'd realised all those years ago that it was nothing to be ashamed of or worried about.

[DoMeDon]

Personally I wouldn't get intimate until I trusted/loved someone, at which point a discussion about insecurities should feel safe. From what I understand about men, they don't need perfection any more than we do. Anyone who wasnt accepting, wouldn't deserve you but I doubt that truth is comforting if you're crippled by anxiety. Self acceptance is a long but worthwhile journey. There are lots of people with scars, asymmetry, imperfect bodies, who are in happy, physical relationships.

[cosytoaster]

Good advice above. I've got really bad stretch marks from pregnancy and (after marriage ended) was v anxious at the thought of anyone actually seeing them. I've had 3 close relationships since and I think I actually pre-warned the first guy about them before dtd! They were a total non issue for him and for the two since as well. Looking back I can't believe I wasted time worrying about them. I'd second waiting until you feel secure with someone and know them to be a nice person, then I'm sure it won't matter.

[happyh0tel]

Nobody is 100% perfect in mind, body or soul

Just be yourself, smile, laugh, enjoy life

I believe that there is someone for everyone

[PiazzaDelPoppolo]

Thank you for your advice. I feel like I have two options : surgery to fix the problem or self acceptance of me as I am.

I'm not one for jumping into bed with people quickly so would probably wait for the right person before dtd. However, at the moment I'm a bit paralysed with the fear so I'm not even trying to meet people or try dating.

Does anyone know where threads about breast surgery would sit? I had a look and didn't see any. I think I need to research it more thoroughly. And at the same time work on my self esteem issues.

[HuckleberryMishMash]

I really think that most guys won't find this as weird as you think; in fact they might quite like having two different breast personalities to enjoy! (I hope you don't think I'm being flippant).

Please don't let this stop you. The only real issue is your confidence. Stop focussing on the one thing about your appearance that isn't 'the norm' and think about all the other things that make you a good catch.

By the time a guy is undressing you, your boobs aren't his priority anyway and I really don't think he would run away...

[PiazzaDelPoppolo]

@joysmum did it take long to recover from the surgery? I'm worried people at work etc will notice I've suddenly had a boob job. I don't want to draw attention to it!

At the moment I wear a lot of padding so it's not really noticeable when I'm dressed.

[HPsauciness]

I would investigate surgery and get further advice, just even for peace of mind so you know what the options are- you might find you don't want to take it forward, you might find it encouraging, who knows?

I would also date at the same time, then don't wait til you are 'perfect' because no-one is, men of 36 or over are often going a bit bald, or grey, or getting a bit of a tummy, many are not, but people aren't perfect. There was a thread in Chat about starting relationships in old age recently that was very inspiring, many people knew someone who had dated/married into their seventies, eighties and even nineties, but no-one there will have had perky 20 something boobs, would they?!

If you meet someone nice, and you want to mention it beforehand, you could, but equally its fine not to, as I say, most people have hang-ups about their bodies so many of us have less than perfect bodies to work with (overhanging tummy in my case!)

[Zillie77]

Piazza-take a look at the website "real self"; it has tons of stories from people who have had "cosmetic" surgical procedures done. You have to register with an email but they won't spam you. I found it very useful earlier this year when I had some cosmetic surgery done. I had never had surgery before but it was fine and I am happy I did it. I am not saying that you need surgery but if you are thinking about it, if I were you I might consider a reduction/lift on the larger side to match the smaller, if you want to avoid implants. They can sometimes tuck a flap of fat on the smaller side to make it a bit bigger as well.

I did not have breast surgery, but I read lots of the stories about it on the website.

[tvlover1234]

If I can give you any advice it would be not to put implants in. I had mine for 19 months and they ruined my life. I'm nearly 21. They made me so ill and there are so many bad side effects they rarely tell you about

[HoneyDragon]

Your breasts are like kind were in cup size difference. My dh didn't give a hoot. They were boobs, he liked boobs, better than that, they were attached to me, whom he also liked.

I did have surgery though. For me the comments from other women, and the bra fitter in M&S were what upset me.

[HoneyDragon]

I had a bi lateral reduction btw, not implants.

[HoneyDragon]

Oh and as for noticing it at work. Most people thought I'd either lost weight or had a haircut

[happyh0tel]

Suggest - what if someone said to you - "it is not the first thing that they notice about you"

Everyone is a "whole package" - not just what they look like

They might like you, because you make them laugh, you are kind, you share common interests, you share common beliefs etc

Love yourself first, love life & others will love you

[HelenaDove]

Not the same thing i know but mine are 34HH which droop. I also have loose skin from a ten stone weight loss.

(mine would have been big anyway as most of the womens in my family are apart from my DM)


Any decent man will not care a jot. He will like you because you are YOU.


Honey Dragon im so sorry you have had comments from other women and a bra fitter as well That is shit

[minkGrundy]

I too would suggest you duscuss your options with a medical professional. It commits you to nothing and might put your mind at rest that in fact this may be more vommon than you think.

I also was trying to think of a way of saying what huckle said. Many men might actually like the variety. Any man that reacts badly probably isn't the man for you.

I find I am far more critical of my lumps and bumps than any man ever has been.

[minkGrundy]

Sorry common not vommon

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Oh God, I can't believe I am even going to admit this. Going through a hideous divorce I have had several sexual experiences which was very brave difficult having been married to the same man for a very long time and like you, very worried about revealing my body. It's not a bad body and I exercise etc but I have extra breast tissue near my armpits, one of which actually has a nipple I don't look at all like a cow with udders . I have to say, nobody has noticed...at all...or if they have, they haven't said anything. I have had a lovely FWB relationship for the past year and he hasn't mentioned it once. Clearly the difference in your breast size is fairly obvious so I would be inclined to mention it first. I would also definitely consider surgery which I would imagine you would be able to get on the NHS (quite rightly) given that it will present a psychological issue.

I really appreciate how difficult it is when you have "oddities", but I have been very lucky with the men I have revealed all to and I hope you are too...

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Also, I wouldn't consider it a "boob job", more a "corrective procedure"...

[TheFormidableMrsC]

Somebody above also mentioned stretch marks...I also have those which make me very self conscious even though they are not terrible, but one lovely man said to me "they are scars like any other, and testament to the miracle of producing a child"...that properly turned me on...what a star!!!

[TheFormidableMrsC]

God I sound like a slapper...I am not, I am just finding myself again and revelling in the freedom to do as I please...it's quite liberating really!

[DrLego]

I don't think surgery is the answer necessarily - if there are complications you'd feel even worse. However, it sounds like this is having a profound impact on your life. While I think surgery isn't the answer necessarily, because of how you feel and the things you don't do due to this maybe it is worth considering. The alternative is to realise that anyone worth shagging won't be put off by asymmetric breasts. Most women's breasts are not the same size. If you really like someone and they really like you in a long term relationship it won't matter, but its a shame if this stops you for years on end from living life to the full. So, become more accepting, adopt a wait and see plenty of fish approach to dating and wait until you feel comfortable, and if it continues to bother you to the extent that it is, consider surgery - there are many techniques now and some don't involve implants/ would look very natural, etc. also, things like pilates/ yoga / swimming regularly might improve how you feel a bit re body confidence.