Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Affair in previous relationship - should I be wary?

(26 Posts)
cakeisnotaproperbreakfast Sun 26-Jul-15 20:50:45

I've been in a relationship for 18 months (both of us are divorced, me 2.5 yrs & him 8 years) & ever since we met he's been very blasé about the fact he had an affair during his marriage.
The way he does this makes me feel uncomfortable, ((he once told me that while his ex wife was in hospital having her beasts enlarged he was "fucking someone else" and the someone else was the mum of their daughters' friend) ...that's generally how it's referenced, in those graphic terms). So after a few cheeky vodkas on Sat night I was "brave" enough to say something. Now I'm wishing I hadn't because I'm wondering if I was being over sensitive as this was before I knew him, but I just can't get beyond how uncomfortable it makes me feel. Plus there's a weird atmosphere between the 2 of us now.
I completely trust him to be faithful so that's not the issue, it just makes me feel uncomfortable when he talks like that. Prob not helped by the fact my ex had an affair.
I told him that it seems like a badge of honour to him, and maybe that's cool when he's with his mates but it's definitely not ok with me.
He has apologised & said he needs to be more mindful of my feelings, but I'm irritated that I had to say something. Surely it's obvious that it's not a pleasant thing to hear??!! I guess I should've said something before now, I just didn't expect this to evolve into such an intense relationship (I was definitely NOT looking for one when we met). I being a princess about this? Or would you also feel awkward if you were in my position? And now what...Forgive & move on or be wary?

rosesanddaisies Sun 26-Jul-15 20:53:42


jonrotten Sun 26-Jul-15 20:55:51

he once told me that while his ex wife was in hospital having her beasts enlarged he was "fucking someone else" and the someone else was the mum of their daughters' friend)

Jesus op. I wouldn't want to be with someone so callous.

Learntoliveagain Sun 26-Jul-15 20:55:59

Well I certainly wouldn't 'completely trust him' based on that. And what a disrespectful attitude he has to both women. That would put me off massively sorry. He is showing you the kind of man he is.

LineRunner Sun 26-Jul-15 20:58:13

It's just so sordid really. I wouldn't be able to get past it, no.

Rosieliveson Sun 26-Jul-15 21:00:19

He actually sounds quite proud of his past behaviour.
The language he uses and this blasé attitude to extramarital sex would have me questioning his integrity to be honest. Based on the little you have said here. I don't think he has much respect for women, relationships or marriage.

JiltedJohnsJulie Sun 26-Jul-15 21:01:17

You have to ask?

thelonggame Sun 26-Jul-15 21:02:33

you need to face that you can't trust him ever, he's PROUD of his behaviour.
If it were me I'd be ending it with him before you get even deeper involved.

rosesanddaisies Sun 26-Jul-15 21:04:33


Glitoris Sun 26-Jul-15 21:19:11

'it just makes me feel uncomfortable when he talks like that'

That 'uncomfortable' feeling is your gut instinct.Listen to it.

If he had any remorse,he wouldn't be bragging about it,he would feel ashamed.The fact that he doesn't regret it (and he doesn't,that much is clear) tells me he would do it again.

Only be with a man you can be proud of (would you be proud of him if he or you were to repeat what he said to your family/friends?)

Buster08 Sun 26-Jul-15 21:19:18

No no no no no this is not good and you should NOT trust him to be faithful as he clearly thinks nothing of what he did during his marriage.

TheSweeper Sun 26-Jul-15 21:25:04

Seriously, seriously, you need to ask? Or is this a badly-crafted wind-up?

Ok, if a man tells you he was 'fucking someone else' while his wife was 'having her breasts enlarged', you dump him, as he is a pig.


cakeisnotaproperbreakfast Sun 26-Jul-15 21:26:09

Only asking as my own judgement was/is a bit impaired (stayed in a 20 yr relationship with a narcissistic misogynist) but yes, this is confirming what I thought. Seeing it in print makes it all a bit clearer too.
Maybe I should do the freedom programme (was advised to by my HV when my marriage ended). I was warned I might follow the same pattern. Thanks all.

Melonfool Sun 26-Jul-15 21:26:55

My dp had an affair when with his [now ex] wife.

Obviously this is undesirable behaviour in a guy. But the difference is - he knows it was shit. He ended it after a very short time (of course, I only have his word for all this) and really regrets that it happened, thinks men who have affairs are generally immature and that it was a stupid reaction to issues in his marriage.

If he talked the way your dp does I certainly would not still be with him.

SelfLoathing Sun 26-Jul-15 21:32:25


((he once told me that while his ex wife was in hospital having her beasts enlarged he was "fucking someone else" and the someone else was the mum of their daughters' friend) ...that's generally how it's referenced, in those graphic terms)

+ this:

I completely trust him to be faithful so that's not the issue


LineRunner Sun 26-Jul-15 21:45:39

I doubt very much he could be faithful. Sounds more like he's testing your boundaries, OP, to see what he can get away with saying and doing.

Ouchbloodyouch Sun 26-Jul-15 21:47:42

To be honest when I read the title of this thread I was prepared to maybe give some open minded thought.
But 'fucking someone else'? He actually used those words? If this is real post why would you accept so little from such an eloquent cunt?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 26-Jul-15 21:48:06

Why exactly do you trust him completely to be faithful? You really shouldn't.

Ouchbloodyouch Sun 26-Jul-15 21:49:30

Oh and when someone SHOWS you who they are.. believe them

cakeisnotaproperbreakfast Sun 26-Jul-15 22:03:50

Yes, he has used those exact words & yes I am embarrassed at myself for not saying anything before.
And no, despite the inference in a few replies, this is most certainly a genuine situation.
Seeing it written down has made me realise what an utterly ridiculous situation I've been putting up with. I'm actually a reasonably intelligent person (am 2/3 into completing a science based degree & have obtained a first each year so far) but for various reasons, emotionally I'm a wreck. Long story, but suffice to say I've never made good choices.

cakeisnotaproperbreakfast Sun 26-Jul-15 22:06:28

I trust him because he has said he knows he made a mistake & wouldn't risk losing me by doing it again. hmm
And because I'm an idiot. Think we've established that wink!!!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 26-Jul-15 22:18:19

He's not embarrassed or ashamed about having cheated, that says he believes he was justified in doing it. So he could just as easily justify cheating on you! He has a cheater's mindset and you should assess likelihood of cheating by that, not his stated intention not to cheat. Most cheaters don't start a relationship intending to cheat, they intend to stay faithful but when opportunity and excuse comes along they will be far more likely to justify it. As your guy has.

AtrociousCircumstance Sun 26-Jul-15 22:22:25

He wouldn't cheat because he doesn't want to lose you? That also demonstrates that he doesn't have a problem with cheating ethically. He just doesn't want to risk it with you. At the moment.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 26-Jul-15 22:39:02

I'd be asking his ex why she had a breast englargement and I wouldn't be at all suprised if she said it was because he kept on about how much he fancied women with big perky boobs and hers were deficient in that respect.

The writing on the wall is writ in very large print - THE WAY HE TREATED HIS WIFE IS THE WAY HE'LL ALWAYS TREAT WOMEN because he has no respect for them.

As for I completely trust him to be faithful so that's not the issue I'm sorry to say you appear to be delusional as this man is not capable of fidelity.

Only1scoop Sun 26-Jul-15 22:42:18

A 'princess' confused

No his moral compass is off he fucked the mother of his dd friend whilst his wife was having surgery.

He's telling you what he's all about. Listen. Don't ask him to water it down for you. That's version is not him.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: