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it's over, isn't it?

(18 Posts)
GoneAndDoneIt Sun 26-Jul-15 20:41:23

Name Changed.

Don't know what I'm hoping for from this really. Maybe some hand holding and moral support as I have no one in RL.

DH and I have been having a rocky time as of late. We both made it clear we didn't think it was working. He said a lot of vile things to me in an argument a few weeks back and has been sleeping in the spare room ever since.

I know we need to talk about our situation and I suppose deep down I thought that if we could we might be able to work something out. Stupidly every time I try to talk to him I end up in a blubbering mess, can't get my words out and can't express my feelings. He's not the most open person so he doesn't take well to these outward displays of emotion.

In my wisdom, I thought it might be a good idea to write down how I felt, what my reservations about the relationship are and what I felt could be done to change it. I gave the note to DH to read at his leisure. (Yes, I know, all very childish, but it seemed the only way I could coherently express myself).

DH confirmed this evening he had read it and mentioned 'going our separate ways'. I asked if there was anything he wanted to add/discuss. He said 'no I'm good thanks,' with a big grin, and walked away.

Am I right to assume from these comments that the changes I wanted are not going to happen? I now have to accept that this is the end of our marriage, don't I?

Although I know it's probably for the best long term I'm absolutely heartbroken. Please tell me it will get easier.

nozzz Sun 26-Jul-15 20:42:57

Why assume anything; talk

Nolim Sun 26-Jul-15 20:43:14

Yes it is over.

creativevoid Sun 26-Jul-15 20:55:57

I don't think writing something to explain how you are feeling is childish. You have tried to express yourself and gotten nowhere. Please don't beat yourself up. Your H's response is cruel but I guess he has told you what you need to know. Of course it is very sad but perhaps you can look on his behaviour to gather some of the anger you (justifiably) will feel and let it strengthen you. You will look back one day on this moment as proof of why it was best for it to end.

cozietoesie Sun 26-Jul-15 20:58:03

...He said 'no I'm good thanks,' with a big grin, and walked away...

I think it's over and if that's his apparent reaction to you pouring out your heart and thoughts, I'd be secretly glad of it. He may be hurting, himself - or may have regrets later on - but how can you go on easily after that? (And you said that things have been bad for a while.) Maybe he'll choose to write something back but I think I'd start thinking practically if only as a safeguard.

How are you fixed, financially and practically? And do you have DCs together?

Tanfastic Sun 26-Jul-15 21:01:21

I find writing a letter is sometimes a better way of getting everything off your chest without getting emotional, sidetracked etc. I've done this more than once in my life and always found it really helped the situation I was in. You can sometimes say what you really mean as well that you maybe wouldn't have the courage to say face to face.

I would say by his reaction it's probably over yes.

GoneAndDoneIt Sun 26-Jul-15 21:04:49

Yes we have 1 DC and 2 more on the way.

Financially, I can manage on my combination of salary, tax credits and child benefit (obviously I don't know how this will be affected by the upcoming cap, but that's a different matter) I also assume he will be expected to pay some kind of maintenance towards the children in the event that we do permanently separate?

I'm not even angry at him any more, I was, and wish I still was, but now I just feel completely distraught. (Probably hormones playing a part too!)

cozietoesie Sun 26-Jul-15 21:07:47

He's said nothing about the children then?

mrsmeerkat Sun 26-Jul-15 21:08:14

sad

He sounds very selfish and uncaring considering you are expecting twins and going through so much

I really, truly feel for you.

Have you a sister or good friend to help you at the moment?

Can you get dc1 looked after for a day and get some proper rest for yourself?

etKrusTe Sun 26-Jul-15 21:12:49

It sounds over yes.

But why would you want to stay together? You sound unhappy with him. He sounds cold. Unwilling to listen to you. Unfeeling. Just really distant. It sounds like having a stranger in the house.

It must be awful going through this with twins but there's never a good time. I left with a baby even though I knew in my heart it was over when I was 9 weeks pg

GoneAndDoneIt Sun 26-Jul-15 21:13:46

Initially he said he'd stick around until the babies arrived to give me some help for a little while. But he can't take

GoneAndDoneIt Sun 26-Jul-15 21:17:05

Posted too soon!

...paternity leave as he doesn't want to take the massive party cut for a couple of weeks, so aside from the 3-5 days holiday he'll be taking he won't be around anyway.

I also think that if he wants to go then he should and not drag it on....I know this goes against the 'wanting to make it work' comment I made, but I'm thinking of my own sanity and wanting to draw a line as soon as possible if that's going to be the case.

etKrusTe Sun 26-Jul-15 21:18:31

Split up, and make sure he has formalised access for two days a week. I know this is hard to digest now. But seriously, you will catch up with this. And when you do, you don't want him to say to you ''I can't take all this childcare'' while you juggle three children. Get everything formalised. I'm sorry if I sound petty but why should he be the one who gets to say ''I can't take three children'' and then walks off............... I'd make sure that you too get a few hours off twice a week. If it's regular, then eventually you'll be able to plan a life around it (job, socialising, whatever)

CalmYourselfTubbs Sun 26-Jul-15 23:32:58

yes its over.
sorry.

MyChildDoesntNeedSleep Sun 26-Jul-15 23:37:52

You're having twins?! Oh, wow. I'm sorry you are going through this flowers

westcoastnortherneragain Mon 27-Jul-15 06:20:05

I'm so sorry you are going through this,time to protect your financial interests. Whilst he's at work make copies of all financial and important documents. Phone a solicitor.

He's an utter twat, you deserve much better. flowers

Weebirdie Mon 27-Jul-15 06:36:01

What a grade A swine.

Please move on from this callous horror.

westcoastnortherneragain Mon 27-Jul-15 15:25:11

How are you getting on today OP?

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