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after dinner chat - not what I was expecting to hear??

(92 Posts)
Sparkles2010 Sun 26-Jul-15 14:32:00

totally confused today and after some friendly advice please here goes........ have been with my partner for 5 years and it's always been quite rollercoastery. We have periods where everything is lovely and happy and then periods like now where I feel everything I do annoys him no matter how hard I try I feel like he doesn't want to be with me.
Sex life started off great but just lately it's been once a month - six weeks. I put this down to abit of everything (he works hard and long hours and i just assume after that long these things happen and sleep becomes more important) I've tried to talk to him about how lack of sex makes me feel and he dismisses it says I'm obsessed, it's not the be all and end all etc but he isn't overly tactile either so I feel it's important for keeping that connection otherwise we are just friends who live together right?
Last night though after dinner and a few drinks it came out that he doesn't find me attractive anymore not necessarily my looks but my 'lack of drive and ambition' and that's why we haven't had sex. He wants a career woman and a go getter where as I'm fairly happy in my job and at some point want children and to be a mum. I said this and he Said 'no man wants to hear that these days' he said something along the lines of I'll give you 3 months to do something about it or that's it.
To an extent he is right I've had the same job for years and there's no real room for progression but I guess I'm so emotionally involved I just want some outside points of view.
Are we just not matched very well and want different things and should I call it quits now. Or is he trying to help me better myself but going the wrong way about it? I slept in the spare room last night and we haven't spoken yet today. I just feel sick at the thought of it ending as I do love him But I can't help feeling he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore and don't know if we can get past this?
Any advice greatfully received haven't really got anyone in RL I can talk to about this sad

Ejzuudjej Sun 26-Jul-15 14:35:59

You are worth so much more than this. flowers

Please do not let him dictate terms to you. Get rid of him.

girlwiththegruffalotattoo Sun 26-Jul-15 14:36:33

He'll give you 3 months to transform yourself into someone you're not or he'll end it?! How about replying "You've got 3 seconds to accept me how I am or you can sling your hook!"

If you're happy in your job then why should you look elsewhere? If you'd like children one day then why shouldn't you tell your partner of 5 years that?!

Plenty of men will appreciate you for who you are and want to start a family with you, I'm just sorry that this one doesnt. And he sounds like an arse.

onlyif Sun 26-Jul-15 14:36:40

He's not very nice, think you should be making plans to separate not get a new job. If you happy in your job that's worth far more than career progression.

BathtimeFunkster Sun 26-Jul-15 14:37:56

I'll give you 3 months to do something about it or that's it.

I think the kindest thing you can do for this wonderful specimen of manhood, and the rest of womankind, is not to waste 3 months of his precious time on trying to be what he has decided he wants, but set him free immediately to find one of the many "career" women just looking for a sexist prick to shag.

Colabottle10 Sun 26-Jul-15 14:38:32

"he said something along the lines of I'll give you 3 months to do something about it or that's it."

Well, as soon as he said that to me he would have been wearing his drink and looking for somewhere else to stay.

Why would you even consider that this is something worth saving? How dare he give you such an ultimatum!

Bin him. Move on.

ZetaPu Sun 26-Jul-15 14:38:58

You do seem to be mismatched.
He may genuinely find drive and ambition an important characteristic or he may be looking for excuses.

Whichever it is, it's not nice for you.

LuisSuarezTeeth Sun 26-Jul-15 14:39:07

Good grief, why are you wasting time with him? He sounds totally self absorbed. I reckon you can do much much better!

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sun 26-Jul-15 14:39:47

You are who you are. He either loves you (and who you are) or he doesnt. Sounds to me like he is wanting to end things - and fwiw I think you would be better off without him, sounds a right wanker.

He has either (1) had his head turned by some strong confident career woman at work and is trying to justify it to himself as how different you both are or (2) he is aware that marriage and babies are your mext step and he isnt ready - so trying to change your outlook rather than just saying he isnt ready.

TheStoic Sun 26-Jul-15 14:40:37

Something tells me that if you were the go-getter career woman type, he'd want you to be maternal and family oriented.

He wants out. Let him go.

isittheweekendyet Sun 26-Jul-15 14:43:33

He'll give you 3 months...? Good Lord. What a charmer. I'd be saving him the hassle of remembering when his 3 month challenge is up, by showing him the door now.

notheroldie Sun 26-Jul-15 14:44:42

I'd say ... I'll give you three MINUTES to change your attitude towards me and my life' ..... or YOU can sling yer hook.

Leave him. If you're happy in your job... stay there!! A job that you go to every day and makes you happy is WAY better than furthering your career, to please HIM in a job you may posssible hate. Are you going to be coming home after an awful day in a job ( that you take because he thinks you should) and be super happy and pleased to see him when you might just want to have a rant about it? You won't please him. Twat.

jelliebelly Sun 26-Jul-15 14:44:50

Yes you are mismatched - I'm afraid it sounds like he's bored and ready to leave but doesn't have the guts to say so. He loves you as you are or he doesn't love you at all would be my response. Sorry.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 26-Jul-15 14:45:49

Sorry op sounds like someone else has caught his eye and he's measuring you against her. He's a dick and will continue to be so I suspect thanks

QforCucumber Sun 26-Jul-15 14:48:45

After 5 years he doesn't want to hear that you want children and to be a mother? Definite mis match right there I'd say.
If he doesn't like you how you are changing will only push resentment against him in future. And really, where does it stop??

Sparkles2010 Sun 26-Jul-15 14:49:39

Thank you all. Think I just needed to hear this from people who aren't involved. I was really shocked when he said that so much so to the point where I couldn't work out if it was unreasonable or not.
I think you maybe be right that someone has turned his head having been cheated on before none of the signs are there yet but it's probably only a matter of time.
I did start to pack at bag last night but he said he didn't want me to leave which leaves me even more confused surely if he wanted out that would be his chance? Or am I just trying to justify it and he's to gutless to make the decision? We have talked about the future and settling down before and it's always been a when not if sort of thing as in theres stuff we want to do first etc so me saying I wanted to be a mum shouldn't have been a shock.

Oliversmumsarmy Sun 26-Jul-15 14:53:46

I would say he has his eye on someone else who is all those things. Even if she took up with him in 5 years time she will probably be thinking of children instead of trying to climb the greasy pole

HelloNewman Sun 26-Jul-15 14:59:57

I would walk away while you still have your dignity.

You sound completely mismatched and I suspect he's found someone else.

Morganly Sun 26-Jul-15 15:02:56

You need to be with someone who loves you as you are and doesn't want you to turn into someone completely different (within a timescale he has arbitrarily decided). Pack that bag, sweetheart, he is not the one for you. Sorry.

andthenagain Sun 26-Jul-15 15:03:02

He wants you to change. he doesn't want you to leave.....

What do You want ?

He can't take back what he said and you won't forget what he said.

Leave with your dignity intact. (but why do you need to leave? who owns/rents the house?)

Joysmum Sun 26-Jul-15 15:06:14

Something tells me that if you were the go-getter career woman type, he'd want you to be maternal and family oriented


He's either looking for excuses or else he's not happy with who you are.

Can you imagine that if you do have kids with him he'll resent your maternity leave and the fact you'll be bringing in less money.

I think you're best off calling time as this really has all the hallmarks of tears in future, yours, if you don't.

Sparkles2010 Sun 26-Jul-15 15:07:38

We rent but in a house which he already lived in.
I have said to him before you should love me regardless of what I do don't do who I am who I'm not. Lord knows he isn't perfect either but I love him inspite of all his flaws.
i do want to be with him but last nights comments have really knocked me for six. I had no idea he felt (or doesn't feel) that way about me.

BrockAuLit Sun 26-Jul-15 15:08:47

You are mismatched. This difference between you is not something that will go away by itself, and it can't be worked on either.

You are simply being forced into really looking into who and what you are. You sound hesitant about what exactly this is. Use the opportunity to define yourself, and be brave enough to tell yourself if it isn't what this man tells you he is looking for.

You are far, far better off alone and comfortable in your own skin, then in a relationship and trying to be something you're not.

Finally, the guy sounds like a twat. You sound lovely. You can probably do much better.

Sparkles2010 Sun 26-Jul-15 15:30:21

Thank you all for your words. I am starting to see things for what they really with your help. you're right a new job isn't going to make me more attractive to him I have to accept the fact that for him that has gone and won't come back and then just work out my next move.
We have spoken briefly not really about any of this or what happened.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Sun 26-Jul-15 15:34:21

I have said to him before you should love me regardless of what I do don't do who I am who I'm not. Lord knows he isn't perfect either but I love him inspite of all his flaws. i do want to be with him but last nights comments have really knocked me for six.

You sound like a very sensible person with perfectly reasonable expectations of your relationships. He sounds like a twat.

Relationships shoudn't be like rollercoasters you know.

It seems like he expects you to do anything to keep the privilege of his love: put up with withdrawal of affection, tell you talking about being a mum one day is inappropriate (wtf!), tell you your career is shit, give you an ultimatum to change your personality, whether or not you split up is his decision alone.

Well, if I were you I'd be out of there with a flick of my hair and a sneer in his direction. It would be my decision and what the jumped up little man lwants wouldn't feature.

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