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Toxic Mother

(3 Posts)
FionaGallagher Sun 26-Jul-15 13:35:10

It was my birthday two weeks ago and my mother called me. We live in different countries and I maintain very little contact because I find her toxic. She's actually one of the major reasons behind my decision to live abroad - I wanted to be as far away from her as possible.

I don't know why she is that way. She's probably not the worst mother in the world, after all, I turned out fine. But growing up she always undermined me, downplayed my achievements, even once called me a "pig" because I was fat. I had it good though - she basically f'd up my older brother's life. Physically and emotionally abused him from childhood to adolescence, no wonder he grew up with anger management issues. I know I shouldn't blame her because my brother is an adult but I really feel like she's partly to blame for how messed up my brother's life turned out. When my brother was having a difficult time with his marriage, all she did was add fuel to the fire. Now that my brother seems to have found a new woman (and she gave birth on my bday, too) my mother turns up her nose at the woman because she doesn't think she's fit for my older brother. Of course it's not like my brother is a saint but I really think all the physical (she used to beat him up growing up!) and emotional abuse greatly contributed to how he turned up!

She's very superficial.She also always brags about how people say she looks so young - she does, actually. But then she follows it up by saying horrible things like, this person or that person is ugly.

She has never encouraged me. Fortunately I developed some sort of thick skin over the years that's why I don't need her approval much. When I passed my licensure exam, she was happy but told me I should just look for an old dress to wear to the ceremony. When my younger brother was getting married, she said it was going to be low-key, just wear anything I have, so I came home (I lived far away then) and then found out it's an event, and she had two gowns made for the occasion. And everyone was dressed up and I wore an old yellow dress.

Anyway so I showed her our pictures here (I'm 40 pounds less now than when she last saw me) and she commented, "ok now you look like me." It's probably a harmless comment, but with the incidents in the past, it was like she's telling me now you look alright, you were horrible before.

Then we talk about my life here, and I told her I am planning to retrain and study again and she said, you're so old, you'd be 40 when you finish. You're going to waste your education. Then I explained, but it's not as if I have a choice. I explained my situation, and told her my classmate is going to do the same thing because our qualifications don't transfer readily. She asked, what's the job of my classmate's husband. I told her. She said, how much does he earn? I said, "probably as much as my husband". And she was like, "is that all?" with a tone of disappointment and a bit of disgust.

I'm just really annoyed at how toxic my mother is! I mean, who is she to talk about my husband that way? It's not as if she's supporting us! If anything she even "stole" money from me because when my dad passed away, she gave everything my dad left to her favourite, my younger brother. My dad left a lucrative business, insurance claims, money in the bank, assets etc and I (and my older brother) got nothing. And I didn't complain, didn't say a word and just thought well, I'm educated, I can fend for myself.

I know I'm babbling, I'm sorry. Just blowing off steam. I know it's not nice to call my mother names but she's really selfish and narcissistic.

CrazyCatLady13 Sun 26-Jul-15 20:58:50

Check out the Stately Homes thread - you'll feel right at home with people in the same situation as you.

One question though - why do you bother keeping in contact with her? If all she does is upset you whenever she calls, and based on what she did to you and your brothers as a child, why bother? She's not going to change ever, but you can change how you respond to her and how much you let her affect you.

FionaGallagher Sun 26-Jul-15 21:56:07

Thank you CrazyCatLady. Reposted in there.

Oh, I didn't call her, she called me. Maybe her friends had something better to do and she had noone to talk to. She hangs around with women and do Zumba and talk about other people's lives.

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